Overthinking Everything

Three Hours At The High School.

2012-02-09T10:56:00.000-05:00

Last night was Amanda's induction into National Honor Society. Even though I went to high school thousands of miles away from Massachusetts in Washington State every time I go to any high school for my kids events it manages to throw me back to the late 80's.

We got to the high school at 5 and the event started at 6. I had brought a book so I could read while I was waiting. But I had forgotten how I can not resist the urge to people watch. Once the program started I watched these 60 kids that were getting inducted with keen interest. Each of the kids chooses a friend of theirs to read 8 or so sentences about their accomplishments up to this point in their lives to show that they without a doubt qualify for National Honor Society. Some told about how their friend qualified because they could eat 12 donuts and then run the mile in under 5 minutes. Some told about how their friend qualified because they went running with them through Stanley park in Speedos. Most of the qualifications were not so fun and just endless lists of clubs they were members of and sports teams they were on. Sixty kids + 8 or so sentences per kid really took a lot of time but I did not mind the hours that went by, it was so fascinating. I saw so many personalities. I noticed at least 40 girls whose mom's did not educate them about the hazards of wearing a short skirt on a stage. I marveled at the enormous lists of accomplishments of these kids. I had fun trying to match the kids up with their twin in my high school class...the jocks, the musicians, the class clowns....etc. I wondered if they realized what an amazing place they are in...the world is wide open to them...they can pretty much do anything they want to do. I was surprised at how they had each others personalities figured out and could testify to each other's characters. Some of the kids were quiet. Some were outgoing. Some proclaimed to want to be famous when they grew up. A lot wanted to be engineers. Several wanted to be vets. Some had been friends for life. I wonder where they will all be in 5 years? I observed where my child fit in. It never ceases to amaze me how much you can learn from watching. I could pick out immediately the kids everyone is naturally drawn to. The ones with the easy smiles. I could pick out the ones that not many kids relate to. I could pick out the ones who like themselves and the ones who are not sure who they are. I had no idea you reveal so much about yourself by what you wear, how you walk, and where your eyes go when you talk. Yeah, seriously, do you wonder if I was paying attention at all? Sort of funny to sit there thinking all these thoughts and oh so many more and not a single person had any idea :)

I was grateful when the Mayor of Westfield reminded them that their lists of accomplishments did not matter near as much as their characters. He also listed some famous people who were members of the Nationl Honor Society when they were in High School....Meryl Streep, Alan Alda, Troy Aikman, Katie Couric and Cindy Crawford were a few on that list....I do love information and lists :)

Amanda and I spent $5.79 at the Wendy's drive thru on the way home. I did not buy her flowers or a Pandora bracelet and charms for her accomplishment. I hope I have not ruined my kids because I am not into all those outward signs.

If You Are Happy And You Know It......

2012-02-05T11:25:00.001-05:00

Think about that song. How many times you have just mindlessly sang it? :) Oh dear...how many times have I deceived others and sang that song and clapped my hands and not really known for sure if I was happy? :) No, seriously... What makes you happy? How do you know it makes you happy? What does happy look like? Is happiness male or female? What makes it go away? How do you get it back? Does it come before or after joy? I have been asking WAY too many questions about happiness lately. I have been surprised at how many people have not really answered my questions about happiness. How do you describe it? How do you recognize it? I fear I am on a quest to figure out what on earth happiness is.

All the way back in 2011 a dear friend told me about a book called The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I finally bought it in December but I did not start reading it until a few weeks ago. I am fascinated by how the author Gretchen is writing about this topic and can not wait to see if by the end of her book if she indeed can declare she is happy.

I have always considered myself to be a happy person. But after this last year I am finding myself wondering if people who cry everyday can still claim to be happy? Can crying and happiness go together? Should I attempt it? I wonder if someone will call me on it?

I wrote to my daughter Madeline on her mission in El Salvador about my happiness quest and I was so surprised when she wrote back and told me that she actually kept a running list in the back of her journal of things that make her happy and she added things to it after she thought long and hard about if they truly made her happy. I never knew that about her. So I thought "Geesh, I better get me a happy list." I bet it will make me happy :) But the words that she said that worried me were that she "thought long and hard" about each thing on her list. They were not just plunked on that list without going through a process and earning their spot. I have just recently learned about stopping, being still, and thinking long and hard. I have learned to adore these three things and have welcomed them with open arms to my personality. But sometimes covering up, suppressing, and busy want with all their might to be bullies to stopping, being still and thinking long and hard but I am learning how to send them to time out when they are mean.

I was encouraged on Friday when I was musing with a dear friend about who I really was to sit down and make a list of what I like AKA what makes me happy and she said I would be pleasantly surprised to discover how much I really did know about myself.

So I thought just for the heck of it I would blurt out the first ten things that came to my mind that make me happy and see what comes out... so here it goes: (in no particular order :)

#1. Hiking makes me happy.
#2. Growing things makes me happy
#3. Getting a load of compost delivered to my garden makes me happy.
#4. Avocado on a sandwich makes me happy.
#5. Driving long distances makes me happy.
#6. The moon makes me happy.
#7. Someone needing me makes me happy.
#8. The smell of fire, pine trees, new tires, and freshly cut wood all make me happy.
#9. Reading makes me happy.
#10. Discovering that we have something in common makes me happy....I adore connecting.

So I imagine if I drove a long way to get to a hike, went on that hike with a sandwich with avocado on it, had someone along who needed me and also liked avocado on their sandwich, we hiked through some pine trees and past someone who had a campfire, we stopped at our destination and read a book, we hiked back in the dark with a full moon, got home to discover the peas had come up in the garden, and someone had delivered compost I would be able to be supremely happy :) SIGH....I wish it was that easy :)

Oh wait I thought of #11 ......a view.... Oh how views make me happy.......

No Leaves.

2012-01-13T08:25:00.003-05:00

I have come to an interesting realization as I have been driving around Massachusetts this winter...are you ready for this? :) I have decided.....dramatic pause.....that I LOVE trees with no leaves. I know, I know it is possible I maybe broken :) A few days ago I wandered aimlessly into my backyard and decided to lay on the trampoline and as I looked up at all the naked trees I realized I love seeing their shape.....when they are covered with leaves you just don't know who they really are. I ran back inside to get my camera so I could take some pictures. I am not sure why their stark reality speaks to me lately. When I look at the mountain behind my house that is covered with trees all with no leaves I find myself adoring the gray color that stretches across the mountain.

I wonder if anyone has ever written poetry about naked winter trees? :) If I could through in some lines about the smell of pine and campfire I might be able to pull it off :)

Second Hand.

2012-01-11T20:55:00.000-05:00

I have decided that I am going to try to make every other Wednesday , "Shop at the Salvation Army Store Day." Not just any Salvation Army store but the one in Hadley that is about 25 minutes from my house. Why specifically Wednesday? Because, silly goose, on Wednesday there are four colored tags that are all half price not just one colored tag like Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday, oh no Wednesday is the day ...it is the thrift store on steroids day :) I only wish that I was the only one who knew about it :)

I grew up thrift storing. Anytime we needed anything the thrift stores were the first stop. I was never very good at it. My sisters always seem to find everything cool. We would all frantically search for the Esprit, the Asmile, the Jordache and the Gunne Sax brands so that we would have bragging rights :) When we all get together now we still go thrift storing except now we search for Banana Republic, Ann Taylor, Adidas, The Gap and more. I have dabbled in thrift storing a little bit since I have been married and had kids but not to the point that I have had an actual day set aside for it. But it must once again be the season of my life for thrift storing and I think I may be addicted :)

The minute Natalie got on the school bus at 8:30 am I grabbed my coat and headed out the door. The drive to Hadley is one of my favorites and oh so therapeutic. The sky was clear today, the sun was shining, it was perfect. When I got to the Salvation Army I felt that familiar anxious feeling in my stomach as I saw the very full parking lot and imagined all those people finding all MY glorious finds. The minute I walk in the thrift store I always get another wave of that anxious feeling as I find myself wanting to be in the housewares, the books, the kids clothes, and the skirts all at the same time and that is just not humanly possible. So today I decided to focus and start in the jeans. I own one pair of jeans. They are not very stylish and since I have recently lost weight I have been longing for some decent jeans but I hated to pay full price for them. There were racks and racks of them and I decided to look at every single pair while listening to the 50's, 60's, 70's, and 80's music playing throughout the store. I love listening to the little old people singing along to the tunes.I smile to myself at the quirky employees who follow me down the aisle fixing the shirts back on the hangers properly after I disturb them. After checking out every pair of jeans available I perused sweats, shirts, skirts, kids clothes, books, furniture and then back to shirts. I stared longingly at a bench that I knew would be perfect for my front porch but it was $56.00 and this girl is just not spending that for a bench even though I know that bench loved me with all its heart. In the book section I was ecstatic when I found a copy of The Country Bunny and The Little Gold Shoes a children's book that I remember my mother reading to me when I was a kid. I have been trying to collect the books that I remember my mom reading to me when I was a kid so I was....oh yeah, I already told you that I was ecstatic. I also found two pair of jeans, three shirts, a Gap dress for Tatiana, a snowsuit, and three children's books all for $23.00.

I am not sure what has inspired the renewed interest in second hand things but I am having a ball. Saturday I stopped at two antique stores that I literally pass at least four times a day. I hated that I always wanted to stop and never had. I was rewarded for my time and I found two amazing basketsThis one was three dollars and I love it. I brought it home and carefully washed it and wondered to myself what it's story was.

This basket told to me ever so politely that it really wanted to carry my stuff to church so since it could talk I immediately bought it for $5.00.

My eyes have been opened to all the many things I can do with what I find at the second hand store and all the money I can save... so that I can have more money to buy cans of spray paint for all my fabulous second hand finds :)

A Letter To Perspective.

2012-01-10T13:09:00.001-05:00

Dear Mr. Perspective,

I realize that no one has verified what your gender actually is but I like to think of you as a guy so I chose to address you as Mister Perspective.... I hope that is okay :) I also took the liberty of running some background checks on you. I needed to know what you really mean now that I am 43 and realize you and I should have been better friends :) First I checked the dictionary and read a description of you. You are so lucky that people can do that to understand you. I wish my friends could go to dictionary.com and search my name and find a good description of what I mean. But anyhow I discovered that one way to describe you is that you can be a visible scene especially one that extends into the distance. Then I saw that you are also a way of regarding situations, facts, etc and judging their relative importance. Then I saw this and it really connected with me and I decided this would be my favorite way to describe you, "the proper or accurate point of view or the ability to see it." After I picked my favorite definition it was of utmost importance that I check out the other words that were synonymous with you....your friends can say a lot about you....and your friends/synonyms were proportion, viewpoint, landscape, attitude, prospect, overview and panorama. Your antonyms/opposites of you were not to be found apparently you are an analytical viewpoint and because of that you have no direct opposite...drat I really like to know the opposite :)

When I think of you Mr. Perspective I think of how often in my past I should have asked myself, "Does this really matter?" I feel like if someone has perspective they are able to face life and sort things easily into...things that matter versus things that don't. You and I both know that I have never been so good at that. Remember high school? And that thing called grades? If one has perspective they see what good grades will bring them in the future. I only saw my immediate relationships/friendships when I looked at the view not my grades and college and self confidence :) What about all those times when I spent money on something I thought I needed right now and if I had only had perspective how rich I would be :) There are so many times along the way that one needs to stop and use perspective. To get perspective the experts say you have to:

Take a weekend away.
The word on the street is that if you do this it will renew you and give you some clarity....I would love to be given some clarity :) So Mr. Perspective where shall we go on our weekend away? I am thinking Maine :)

Schedule thinking time.
I wish I would have understood about 24 years ago the importance of thinking time. A time to ask myself if I feel unhappy about anything. A time to wonder what is going well and what isn't.

Write in a journal.
What? Yeah you read that right. I was a great journal writer eons ago except for one small detail I mostly wrote surface things....too afraid that someone would read what I really thought or what I was really going through. Silly me. Yes, I know better now but that does not help the years I lost with perspective. Journal writing is apparently an amazing way to get perspective. Just think Mr Perspective if I could have been honest in my journal you and I could have had so many fond memories. You could have given me so much :)

Be brave.
Yeah this one is brutal. It involves things like facing relationships that are hard. It could mean admitting something. It's standing up for yourself and even possibly turning down other people's requests. It definitely involves the H word...honesty.

So Mr. Perspective I am so glad that now I understand and now when my silly old mind tries to get me away from you I can grab it by the throat and glare at it and say "Will this really matter in a day? A month? A year?" I am ever so sorry that I continually threw you under the bus Mr Perspective. I did not understand how if I had you I could have made better choices...yeah, way better choices. So basically I just need you to be my best friend and stop giving away perspective to everyone else...okay? :)

Both Kinds Of Signs.

2012-01-06T22:00:00.000-05:00

This morning I happened to be browsing through pictures from the summer and found a couple pictures of signs and I wanted to share them with you. I love signs. I love information and signs always give you information. I am always looking for signs :) The more I go to New York City the more I discover things. The first couple of times we went to the city we were focused on going to the main tourist places like the Statue of Liberty, Times Square and such but as we have now been to all of those places I find myself noticing more obscure things like signs on buildings and street signs. I love to take the time to stop and read them.

This sign was on a building across the street from Grand Central Station. I had heard Nathan Hale's last words (which are on the bottom of this sign) so many times but it all of a sudden they became real to me as I was standing near the spot realizing what they really meant. It was morning and the sun was peeking just around Grand Central Station and my sister and Gail and I almost walked right past this sign. But I am so glad we noticed it and stopped and read it.

The second sign I have a picture of is from my long awaited excursion to the Brooklyn Bridge. I had spent the summer finishing the book by McCullough about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge. It was a fascinating book that made the Roebeling's my heroes. Here is the sign.....oh drat you can not see it very well let me tell you what it says: "The builders of the bridge dedicated to the memory of Emily Warren Roebling 1843-1903 Whose faith and courage helped her stricken husband CCL.Washington A. Roebling C.E 1837-1926 complete the construction of this bridge from the plans of his father John A Roebling C.E 1806-1869 Who gave his life to the bridge "Back of every great work we can find the self sacrificing devotion of a woman" When Washington Roebeling became so sick from the bends his wife helped carry on the work on the bridge and wrote out his notes for him among many other things. I can not do her justice in this blog that is supposed to be about signs but I stood there on the mighty Brooklyn Bridge reading this sign and thought about Emily and what an amazing woman she was and how great it was that the bridge was dedicated to her.

This last sign was just begging me to take it's picture :) New Yorkers do love to honk their horns :)

What about the other kind of signs? Yeah, you know the kind of signs you watch for and that often confirm something to you :) Today I had to drive to New Hampshire for an appointment and as I was coming home I was driving on the Massachusetts Pike heading west into the setting sun and the most amazing sunset burst across the sky...all shades of orange and pink brilliantly streaking across the sky and tinting the clouds. It honestly took my breath away. My mind had been mulling over all I had discussed in my appointment and the gorgeous sunset seemed to be just for me...a sign that someone was aware of me. yeah, I do love signs.

Seed Catalogs

2012-01-02T00:14:00.000-05:00

I must confess that I have an addiction to seed catalogs. I love them with all my might. Three of them came this week and when they come I am so happy. I carry them with me everywhere I go. The more glossy the catalog, the bigger and more colorful the pictures, the worse it is. I read every description. I take a pen and circle everything I love. Just like Natalie circles everything in the American Girl catalogs that come for her. Tonight as I was poring over the Burpee Seed catalog I found myself smiling as I realized, yet again, that I am all talk and no action. I make lists of what I am going to buy in these catalogs.....detailed perfectly neat lists. But I never, ever...gasp.....actually buy from them. I was wondering about this fact tonight as I was imagining what it must be like to get seeds in the mail. And right then and there I forced myself to figure out why I never purchase form them and the reason is... that I like to nickel and dime myself. Even though I may end up spending exactly the same amount of money in the end I can not bear spending that big amount up front. And that is the only thing that keeps me from ordering from these catalogs. I live in fear every year that the companies will take me off their mailing lists not knowing that just because I do not order from them does not mean I do not NEED them in my mailbox :)

I stare at each picture of each vegetable, annual, perennial, and fruit in these catalogs. I read about what they need to be happy. I imagine them in my garden looking exactly like their picture in the catalog...of course :) I wonder about all the varieties and how they all came to be...what really are the differences? Burpless cucumbers or not? Determinate tomatoes or not? Hybrid or heirloom? So many words for the girl who wants to garden perfectly and yet understands that it is not possible....too many factors to long for perfection :)

I have many garden plans this year. I am going to expand the raspberries. Figure out why the blueberries are unhappy. Fight the bunny rabbits. Move the achillea and split it. Find some free bricks and carefully line 9 beds in my garden. Put up a fence. Plant loads of flowers. And attempt the cold frame venture yet again :)

So I am off to make another list of the things I need from the Burpee catalog and maybe this year since I have a free shipping coupon on page 20 that is good until the 15th of February I may get up my courage to actually order form the catalog and then I could write a fabulous post on how it feels to get a box of seeds and potato tubers in the mail. And then when people are standing around talking and asking other people about receiving seeds and tubers in the mail I can participate in the conversation :)

Moving On :)

2012-01-01T01:02:00.002-05:00

New Years Eve. This year was oh so quiet. Not really my style but necessary. I was in my cozy flannel pajamas and my white hat ( yes, I wear it in the house since the thermostat is set at 62). I was with Tatiana and Natalie. No yummy food just some fruit snacks....they were Motts not Welchs so don't feel bad for me :) We watched Coldplay play their hearts out in Austin, Texas....and I resolved to own every CD they have ever made....actually I may own them all? Seriously, their music truly speaks to me. And apparently Coldplay speaks to Natalie too because she wanted to know when we could go see them in person :)

At 11:30 we watched Dick Clark's New York City thingy. I resolved to be there next year. That looks just too fun to pass up. And I live close enough to be there so there is no excuse to not be there. I just need to find a crowd loving friend who would do anything for me to come along. So please sign up :)

Last year at this time I was in Northampton, Massachusetts watching their cute little ball drop from their hotel in town. There was a crowd with a college feel to it since The University of Massachusetts and Smit College are near by. We stood in the middle of the closed off street, it was oh so cold, the ball dropped so fast I missed it, and I remember a wave of lonely coming over me as midnight came...weird huh? I had a few of my kids with me and some friends. I do love to get out on New Year's Eve.

In Indiana we had some friends who had a fun New Years Eve party that we attended every year we lived there. Lots of families, games, tons of construction paper confetti, the ball drop on the TV, tons of food...truly epic and memorable.

My earliest memory of New Years Eve is a party at my friend Evelyn's house in California when I was twelve or thirteen. It was a bunch of my church friends. There were a lot of firsts for little old Jennifer that night. And yes, my mom will probably read this but it was the night of my first kiss and also the first time I had ever acquainted myself with the game Spin The Bottle....it is important to remember the first time you learned of this game :) My friends frantically hid that bottle in a pillowcase when their mom came upstairs to check on the party and I ended up getting hit in the head with that pillowcase, pillow, and bottle later on in the party during the pillow fight part of the party :)

I also vaguely remember a New Years Eve when I was at an enormous dance somewhere in Western Washington State. I remember vividly...definitely not vaguely... what I wore that night because it was the first time I had shoes that actually went with an outfit. The shoes were red, the dress was black with red flowers, and I had red belt that matched the shoes. I also remember standing there awkwardly with a boy from my ward at church when midnight came and everyone else was kissing and we were best friends without benefits :)

Tatiana had that realization come to her this year that not everyone celebrates New Year's eve at the same time. So we talked about time zones and how we celebrate the New Year first on the east coast and how grandma and grandpa in Oregon are the last ones on mainland United States to celebrate New Years Eve.

2011 taught me way too much about the words longing, perspective, pain, understanding, confidence, determination, honesty, and suppressing. Because of 2011 for the rest of my life I will wonder about everyone else's secret pain they carry. I wonder what 2012 will do to top the growth and refinement that adorable 2011 taught me :) Bless it's heart :)

Podcasts?

2011-12-29T09:30:00.002-05:00

What do you know about the word podcast? I had heard it before but never really focused on it. I confess that visions of Star Trek dance in my head when I hear the word and the picture of a space ship flits through my mind. I know that is not what it means but I never really focused on what a podcast was. Well on our epic driving trip to Utah in November I came to understand what a podcast is and how it can benefit me....let me tell you all about it.

My daughter Madeline had a ton of podcasts on her Zune for a radio show entitled This American Life. It continually amazes me how life is going on around me amazing books are being published, amazing groups are singing, and amazing radio shows are being broadcasted and it may be nearly impossible for me to know about all of them. This American Life has been in existence since 1995!! How have I missed it?? I have only known about it for about six weeks and I adore it. It is a weekly radio broadcast from Chicago and you can download the podcasts for free.

My kids moan and groan when I want to listen to them in the car. They claim to like the stories but not Ira Glass's voice. Ira is the creator of This American Life and the host. And I can not figure out what could possibly be wrong with his voice it must be a kid thing. Besides the whole podcast is not just his voice.

The podcasts are at least an hour and each show has a theme that it is loosely based on and they have a couple stories that relate to the theme. It is truly just ordinary life. The topics are fascinating. I want to be best friends with the person who dreams up these fabulous topics. The first one I ever listened to was called Frenemies....then I listened to one about well meaning parents...then one about unconditional love....one about people who want to be super heroes...the list is endless my friends and they are all real life. Some of the stories make you sad, some make you laugh, some make you nostalgic, some make you long to write, some make you marvel at all the different people in the world and the experiences they have, some make you think about what you have accomplished. And some just simply make you wonder :)

So as soon as you are done reading go and google This American Life... look at the archives... read all the topics... salivate at all the fabulous information out there just waiting for you... Download just one... get into a comfy chair preferably one with a great view out a window and listen to your podcast :) Oh, and be sure to let me know what you think :)

Staying The Same? Not Me :)

2011-12-25T20:10:00.000-05:00

Sigh...hey blog, I have missed you so. Please do not take it personal :) There is not a day that goes by that I do not long to pour out my entire heart to you, it would be amazingly therapeutic... I just know it. How do people survive by suppressing things and covering them up? :) You know I am an open book my dear blog and if I had not recently learned that being an open book tends to help you lose your friends I would have already told you oh so much. Because I do not really care what you know. Surely the fact that you know I am not perfect is enough.

Christmas was today and as the day goes on and I have been wandering through the house gradually picking things up and assimilating the new stuff I find myself thinking ahead to what my goals for the new year will be. I also find my mind racing through the past year....a wedding, a missionary coming home, a missionary leaving, a serious earth shattering trial, and evil bunnies eating every single pea in my garden :) What can I do to improve and be different? Who wants to stay the same?

I long to run. I actually have started this goal already and it has 100% surprised me. I can not remember the last time I was able to run more than a mile without my legs feeling weak and my breath eluding me. So when I started out running a few weeks ago I fully expected to be feeling not so great about myself. But there I was plodding along ever so slowly with the goal to run as far as I could in 15 minutes and then turn around and come back. I fully expected to do some walking. But I never did. I ran the whole way and I felt so good. I wondered if this was the tender mercy I had been praying for for oh so long. Would that be weird for Heavenly Father to bless me with mad running skills? Who knows? I have been running for the last three weeks about 4 times a week. So far I have made it to three miles and now I am trying to do three miles in 30 minutes. I never imagined that I would use the word liberating in the same sentence as running. But it brings me so much joy to accomplish this everyday. I put my big old headphones on. I borrow Madeline's I-pod shuffle. I put on three shirts and a hat and sometimes even gloves since it is so cold. And I just run and run. Maybe if I keep running my problems will just give up and let me be. I am hoping that the end result of all this running will be running Ragnar in May but we will see. I am trying to wrap my brain around the possibility that extenuating circumstances may prevent me from running the Ragnar relay but hopefully, if necessary, I can find something else to fulfill this need I have and be okay with that.

I long to go back to school. I have decided I would absolutely love to be a nurse. I have a friend who is patiently guiding me through the, "getting back into school process." I am trying to not be afraid of this process and reassure myself that plenty of 43 year old mothers of seven go back to school. I looked through some math books at Barnes and Noble and realized that this going back to school thing is not going to be pretty. But I feel determined. I just need to make sure Mister determined and Mister Courage are on the same page :)

I long to be normal. But what is normal? After this year I have a lurking fear that I am not normal in anyway. I find myself frantically asking anyone who will listen...am I normal? And of course they say I am. But honestly what else could they say? :) I am not sure what sort of goal one sets so that they can become normal?:) Maybe I should Google "what is normal?" But maybe I am afraid of the answer :) I should probably set a goal to not be afraid, huh? :)

Funny, I feel better now that I have rambled here for a minute. Hopefully this will get me back into the blogging thing...I do have so many things I need to tell you about :)

Taylor And The Baird's :)

2011-11-22T18:49:00.001-05:00

Let's talk about concerts. Have you ever been to one? My ability to converse about concerts is very limited. The first concert I ever attended was when I was in high school. I happened to be in Utah and my cousins happened to have mercy on me and invited me to go with them to the ski slopes of Park City where Tears For Fears were were having a concert. I do not remember too much about the concert but I do remember flying down the road before the concert in someones car with all the windows down and the song Tears For Fears sings that has the words "Shout,shout let it all out" blaring and all of us singing along.

My next concert experience was also in high school, it was summer and it involved the Beach Boys and the Puyallup fair grounds. I very vaguely remember this one. I know one of my Young Women leaders at church took me and I know my friend Jenny Small was with me but that is about all I remember.

My third concert experience was when I was in my thirties and it involved about nine other girl friends, Fort Wayne, Indiana, and T-shirts that spelled out "We love you Donny"....yeah, Donny Osmond.

So now that you are up to speed and all done laughing about my concert experiences let me tell you about my latest experience and my new totally unrealistic new goal.....yes, I have not learned about reality yet :)

It all started this summer when I got a phone call, while I was in Oregon, from my oldest daughter Madeline who needed to know, right away, if I wanted to go to a Taylor Swift concert with her, Miriam, and Amanda on November 21st in New York City. I was in. But November seemed so far away I could barely give it any attention. But before I knew it November was here and starting on about November 10th I started to feel a little anxious about the details of how this whole, "concert in New York City thing", was going to work out. But thankfully Madeline was able to recognize that my usually detail oriented mind was still on it's 6 month vacation and she figured everything out. You see, you have to think about parking, and crowds, and money, and time when you go to a concert in New York City.....lots of logistics.

So yesterday at 11:45 I picked up Amanda from school we then picked up Madeline and Miriam from work and then we drove an hour and a half down Route 91 to New Haven, Connecticut to attempt something we had never attempted before.......taking a train into the city. Usually we drive right into the city and park. But I have ALWAYS wanted to take the train. There are some things you just know in your heart that need to try. It was so much easier than I had expected. You park your car next to Union Station. You purchase a $28.00 round trip ticket on the Metro North train, you get on the next departing train with your three oldest daughters and you soak up every single bit of the hour and a half ride that takes you straight to Grand Central Station in New York City.

When we got to New York City we were early. You may want to note that that will always happens when you invite me to go with you. We decided to walk from Grand Central Station to Madison Square Garden which was three blocks over and ten blocks up or was it ten blocks down? :) It was a nice evening. Not to cold, not to hot. A lot of the Christmas Windows were already up in the big department stores like Macy's and Lord and Taylor. I love being able to take my time and not have a care in the world when I am in New York City. We got to Madison Square Garden two hours before they started seating for the concert so we walked around, asked the security guards all sorts of questions since we do love details and knowing how things work and then we decided to go get something to eat.

When I am in New York City I like to make sure I never eat at a chain restaurant but I did not even tell my girls about this notion I have as we dashed into a Five Guys and ate.

Then we headed back a few blocks to Madison Square Garden. My girls all wanted Taylor Swift t-shirts so we used all our extra time to stand in line for those and we also used that waiting in line time to start taking in the sights. I think since we are concert virgins it immediately took us all by surprise the lengths people will go to for a concert. As person after person walked past us in t-shirts proclaiming their love for Taylor, outfits copying outfits Taylor has worn in the past, hair curled just like hers, posters with lights all over them, signs, and more signs. We started to feel vaguely out of place because we were not obsessive about Taylor Swift in any way. I felt that anxious feeling mom's feel when they realize they did not prepare their children for an experience....I mean if I had only known I could have given them a small hope that they could draw enough attention to themselves that someone would see them and invite them to meet Taylor backstage after the concert and then they could be best friends with her forever...right?

When we finally got to our seats we were pleasantly surprised that we had good seats. We sat there for two hours watching fan after fan file in and find their seats. We saw poster after poster pop up all around the arena. We watched the opening acts...Adam Brand and Need To Breathe....both were very good. There was plenty of fascinating people watching to be had.

I was stunned at all the people and all the noise they could make for one 5'11", curly hair, 21 year old girl. Remember my concert experience is very lacking. When Taylor Swift finally came on stage she completely mesmerized me for 2 hours I felt my world changing. I am 43 years old and I could not believe what I had been missing out on all these years.....how could I have thought that driving down a curvy, dark road with my music turned up way loud was the best thing ever? :)

There were fireworks, there were dancers, there was oh so much hair flipping :) there was guest singer which just happened to be the lead singer for the Goo Goo Dolls, there was Taylor bearing her soul to ME about how hopelessly romantic she is and why she felt inclined to write the words to the songs that she did, there was thousands singing along to her songs, there were glow in the dark things all over the auditorium making it look so fabulous, feeling all that power in one very big room was pretty darn amazing.

The few times I happened to look at my three girls I had to smile as I realized that we were so alike. None of us are inclined to being crazy or drawing attention to ourselves. We all stood there, sang our guts out, clapped, raised our arms when Taylor told us too,and occasionally screamed.... but no spontaneous dancing for the Baird bunch, no rushing to try to touch the aforementioned famous person just quiet happiness :)

I watched all the future concerts at the Garden and at Radio City Music Hall flash up on the screen while waiting for the concert to begin and found myself trying to figure out how I could make it to see Lady Antebellum in May...Swedish House Mafia on December 16th, Kelly Clarkson on January 21st, and oh so much more.

Marveling.

2011-10-18T08:51:00.001-04:00

Yesterday Natalie and her little friend wanted to go to the park. We live just a mere two miles from a truly amazing park with the first name of Stanley.....Stanley Park. Stanley Park is over 300 acres. Along most of its perimeter is a beautiful stone wall that I wish was mine. There are tons of trails. Numerous over fed ducks. A luscious wide open grassy spot. Gardens, ponds, fountains, flowers, huge frogs and ever so much more.

I confess that it had been a long time since I had been to a playground at a park with my children. We seem to have outgrown that stage at our house. I chose a bench to sit on while Natalie and her friend ran to play. Gone are the days when I have to follow a child around at the park making sure they do not put anything gross in their mouth. Gone are the days when I have to follow them to make sure they do not hit someone they are not related too. Gone are the days when they need me to go down the slide with them. Gone are the days when I would meet several other moms at the park and we would chat. And on this particular day I discovered that also gone are the days they need me to push them on the swing. Natalie knew how. I am going to sheepishly declare that I do not know how she learned how to pump on the swing so beautifully. It made me feel a little melancholy that my last child knew how to pump on the swing. I sat there on my bench feeling the wind blowing the clouds across the sun you know so that you feel a burst of warmth and a burst of cool as the clouds cover and uncover the sun. One of those moments you have a feeling you will remember. I always remember where the sun was and how it felt in moments that were important to me :)

Through my mind ran so many memories of park visits in the past. Care free park visits that seem so far away now. I had brought two books to read while Natalie and her friend played but I found that the notion of putting one more thing in my head did not appeal to me at the moment so I just sat. Sometimes I found myself observing all the little personalities at the playground recognizing exactly what sort of grown ups those personalities would be when they grew up. You know....the ones who go up the slide and ruin it for those of us that are coming down :) Or the ones who block the top of the slide demanding a password. Or, my personal favorite, the ones who declare everything is base when they are playing tag. Sometimes I found myself just staring off into the distance deep in thought. For awhile I watched a pink balloon that was blowing all around the playground entertaining a little boy who thought it was the funniest thing he had ever seen. The balloon was very mesmerizing. And I was interested that it did not frustrate the little boy that the wind continued to blow the balloon out of his reach. I watched a dad go down the slide and land on his bum on the ground at the bottom :) I watched two teenage boys swing as high as they could and then see who could leap the farthest.....that brought back fond memories. Another thing that brought back memories was a kid laying on his stomach on the swing winding himself up and then letting go...spinning endlessly in circles. The circle thing always made me sick but I do love to lay on my stomach on the swing and stare at the ground and run my feet up and back, swing, and then drag my feet through the playground bark. Speaking of circles Natalie and her friend wanted to go on the tire swing. I did push them for that. They leaned back and closed their eyes and my instructions were to surprise them with a push...so that they would not know when I was going to spin them.

We only stayed about 45 minutes but the views were endless and strangely therapeutic. How will I justify the playground when they are all gone? :)

Running And Ragnar.

2011-10-13T09:58:00.000-04:00

So what do you know about running? My parents started us in a running program when we were kids. It was the first organized activity I remember doing. I ran the 50 and the 100 yard dashes and loved it. I did pretty well until everyone else grew longer legs. I remember running...ahem, chasing boys....on the playground in elementary school and other kids marveling at how fast I ran. I loved the feeling of never getting caught. I thought I was on top of the world as I flew around that playground in little old Sedro Woolley, Washington.

I have lots of ribbons in a scrapbook somewhere commemorating my track running years. I started on the track team in high school but I confess to you that I gave up pretty quickly when I realized I could not get by on sheer talent anymore that I would also have to work? WHAT? So I decided music was my thing and never looked back at track.

My sisters all ran track very successfully in high school. My sister Rebecca still runs and actually will be running in the Boston Marathon next year. My dad ran in high school. My kids have all dabbled in track....except Joe. Madeline even ran on the BYU track team for awhile. I run from reality :) I guess the point is running seems to be all around me. I have recently found myself longing to understand it and embrace it.

As seems to be my way I have been asking anyone I can all about their running philosophy, reading about it, and meditating about it for a few months now but still no action :) I got new shoes....so I guess that could be action. I ride 6 or so miles on my bike several days a week maybe that could be action? :) I seem to think I need proper running clothes before I can start. Stalling? I hope not :) I have a goal in mind. And that goal is Ragnar. Have you heard of it? Ragnar is when you gather with eleven, non judgemental, loving friends and run about 200 miles, relay style, with them. You share your hopes and dreams with them. You let them smell your sweat for 24 hours. You let them watch you snore in the car between race legs. It speaks to me. Madeline has run Ragnar for the last couple years and Amanda ran last year, Zach even ran one leg with Madeline just for fun. I volunteered last year and that is when I caught the vision of the absolute blast it was. I confess that I am more in it more for the bonding than the running. But I would love to be able to have successfully accomplished this race. Have I ever run a long distance race before? Ummm no. I keep looking at the Ragnar website and reading their training schedule and looking at my calendar and penciling things in thinking that I can so do this. I have felt so confident and in control until my darling other half pointed out that I am almost 43 and have not run like this before. Then I found worry creeping in. Not my favorite feeling. I tend to be an overly optimistic person never ever considering any side other than the positive. I REALLY want to run Ragnar. The race has a different course this year and is going to be run through Plymouth, Massachusetts and up Cape Cod to end in Provincetown which sounds like such a beautiful and fascinating course to me. But now I find myself questioning my abilities and I hate that part.

I need to stop worrying about if I have the right sports bra or the right shorts. I need to stop worrying about someone seeing me running and I need to just start with baby steps and not worry about anything else. Anyone I talk to who is now a successful runner always tells how they started out slow and how they could barely run a mile when they started. I used to long for time to do things like this and believe me now I have the time so I have no excuse....is fear an excuse? Is running alone an excuse? Is needing something to hold my music on an excuse? Is running though a constant fog an excuse? Is feeling a little broken an excuse? Yeah, look out Ragnar Relays Cape Cod here comes Jennifer, maybe you are just the thing she needs :)

It Does Not Happen Often :)

2011-10-10T08:52:00.000-04:00

Okay, I do not want you to panic but I may or not be going to blog about craft projects today. I have told you many times before that I am a "wanna be" craft girl. I buy fabric. I buy paper with prints on them. And occasionally I do things with them. But it does not come naturally. I am not the type to just let those creative juices flow. Nope, if I craft, and when I craft it is because I have very detailed instructions written out for me...preferably with pictures...even better is a step by step how to video ....even better than that is a craft loving kind of friend who will hold my hand while I craft.

Usually the notion to craft at our house is accompanied with a child's birthday and this time it is Tatiana's birthday. She wanted to have some craft projects to do with her friends. It took me a couple days to get up my courage and then when I knew it simply would not go away I took a deep breath and went to the Family Fun website. There were ever so many adorable things to make. I printed off 7 ideas and presented them to Tatiana. She was instructed to choose two.

The first one she chose involved acorns. Which I was delighted about because we have gazillions of acorns in our yard. I have to tell you that the acorn project had a warning attached to it. A warning about worms inside the acorns. The instructions were to freeze or bake the acorns to kill the possible worm inside otherwise you would have trouble. Worms crawling out of your acorns trouble. So when I finally got Tatiana to choose her crafts I did not have much time to collect the acorns from the yard, wash them and then freeze them for a day, defrost them and then pre-paint them. So I hurried out to our front yard to gather acorns in the rain. Sigh, the things a mother will do. Gathering them and killing worms inside of them was the least of my troubles. Remember that I had to paint them orange? Yeah, try to hold an acorn and paint it. Very difficult. So let me tell you what I ended up doing because it will make you so happy when and if you ever end up painting acorns. Get a trusty safety pin, poke the sharp end into the soft bottom of the acorn where it will stay nicely while you hold the top of the safety pin and paint the acorn.

It took at least two coats to cover each acorn adequately. They were painted orange so they would look like pumpkins. They were so little and cute. It was worth the agony of painting each one twice. Oh and there is more agony, I had to figure out how to dry them without setting them down, and guess how one does that? They get out their trusty blow dryer and hold each painted acorn and blast it with hot air. Yes, we always pamper our acorns at the Baird house. And here is the finished, well loved, pampered acorn craft project.

The second project involved begging my friends for milk cartons. And then all it required was a sharpie and a sharp knife to cut a hole in the milk carton. Okay, and a little bit of experimenting to make sure I could burn a candle inside a milk carton...which is working out splendidly...so far :) I have no idea how, or who comes up with these ideas but I am duly impressed.

I adore these ghosts. The hardest part of them was getting a good picture of them. I confess I have a longing to make a gazillion of them. I used solid white milk cartons and the normal more translucent milk cartons and both turned out well. Tonight, Tatiana and her friends each made one and they looked so fabulous all lined up on my porch. I stood out there way too long staring at them.

"Fire Virgin"

2011-10-07T23:18:00.000-04:00

So is there anyone more in love with fire than me? I really can not imagine there is. I live for that meaningful smell. The crackling, popping, sizzling sound it makes is music to my ears. Watching the colors dance is right next to bliss. I have no idea why I can make sense of so much in my life when I am staring into the fire. When I was a teenager we would often have a fire outside and I remember finding my mom sitting out there. I associate fire with nothing but supreme happiness:

Putting a pop can in a fire on the beach in Anancortes at Shelley's dad's house and running when it exploded....awesome sound!

Countless years of girls camp.....singing silly songs around the campfire about Sippin Cider Through A Straw and such :)

Sitting on a beach somewhere near Tillamook, Oregon watching fireworks explode out over the water while sitting by a huge fire....yeah, that's right I used the word fire twice in that sentence....sigh, that was a perfect moment.

Sitting by a fire and hearing owls hooting back and forth while staring into the fire.....so perfect.

Sitting by a fire listening to my mom dispense words of wisdom to my sister.

I have often longed to live in a place where we could have a fire outside. I know there are people out there who have fires every night they possibly can. They sit around them and chat, stare at the stars, and soak up nature I have been known to be jealous of them. Fire is such a simple, yet oh so powerful thing.

When we first moved into our house in Massachusetts I needed a fire pit.....soon. So the husband went to work on one. I was appreciative, but the finished product ended up being very close to an enormous rock that we have in our backyard and we could never fully enjoy the fire because one side of the fire was blocked by this massive rock and the actual pit was small, I am a BIG fire kind of girl. Nevertheless, that was our fire pit for three and a half years and it served us well.

Last spring I got the notion to switch things up. When Zach came home from his mission in May I enlisted his help and he started researching fire pit building ideas online. But then he ended up getting a job at the Missionary Training Center in Provo, Utah and he suddenly had to leave so we never worked on the fire pit. About two weeks ago I decided it was time to really focus on the fire pit. The husband jumped right in to help but I really wanted it to be my project so I signed a paper stating that I indeed had instructed him to NOT do a honey do :) JK.

I have no idea why today was the magic day but it was. I made a large circle outline with my shovel and then using my hands I pulled out all the grass that was inside the circle. Then I wheeled 3 wheelbarrows full of topsoil away. Next I went to the Baird Families perpetual pile of rocks (every family should have one of these :) and I chose out my very favorites to line the fire pit with. New England is always happy to provide you with rocks anytime you need them.

When I was done with the fire pit I did not forget the most important part....proper seating. I remembered that sitting in my garage were two logs that I had used in a cub scout activity eons ago. I carried them back to the fire pit, tried them in several different spots, so as to be true to my womanhood, made a final decision, and blissfully sat on them. I confess, I was pleased as punch with my accomplishment. But there was one last thing....FIRE! Now you would think with all this talk about fire that I have been building fires since I was a wee lass....ummm that is not so. I have attempted fire building but there is something about me that just causes other people to long to show me how to do things. And I have always happily let them. But those days are over. Jennifer needs to be able to do things like build a fire on her own :) How will I ever get on Survivor? :)

So I headed to the garage and procured newspapers. Then I headed to the kitchen for matches. Then I stood with my hands on my hips staring at our leaning wood pile. I knew a few basics since I have taught cub scouts in my past....start with little sticks and end with big sticks... I am so smart :) So I laid out little sticks and rolled up pieces of newspaper and lit them with a match and voila.....yeah, not really. I mean it did start and I gave it all the love, nurturing, and kind words I could but in the end after about 20 minutes it was clear I was missing an important part. But I decided to dwell on what that missing part was later on and I moved on to the rest of my day. Yes, I am aware that you can probably identify my problem by looking at the picture :) I never was one to hide anything :)

When Tatiana came home from school and saw the new fire pit she was SO on board. She needed a fire right then and now and she needed to cook something over it. So after we did paper routes, a Wal Mart run, and other puttering around it finally came time to play fire again. We grabbed my flashlight, the newspaper and matches and headed to the backyard for,"Jennifer starts a fire volume two." We worked extra hard this time. We gathered pinecones and pine needles in the dark, we coaxed and coaxed the fire, and finally we got a very average fire going. Starting it was not a problem it was keeping it going.

Suddenly all my girls came out to join in the fun and Madeline immediately declared herself to be the goddess of fire. She explained to me all about oxygen, combustion, and everything in between. I was fascinated and immediately learned what I had been doing wrong. We all hung out by the fire for awhile. It was pretty cool to be sitting there with an amazing moon, stars, fire and my five daughters. We did not talk about all our deep, touchy feely, feelings Baird's rarely do that. Instead they danced around the fire, they yelled at Natalie for shining my amazing flashlight in their eyes and they counseled Tatiana on the fine art of cooking her brat (not a brat...you know....a brat :) over the fire. As we were winding down and heading inside I despairingly declared, "I really stink at building fires" and Madeline declared comfortingly, "It's okay mom, you are just a fire virgin." I think I said, "Thanks" :) I am still not sure what a good reply to that title would be :)

Best Friends With Characters.

2011-10-05T22:11:00.000-04:00

I was flipping through a magazine the other day and I came across an intriguing question, "If you could be friends with any character in a book who would you be friends with?" I have found myself thinking about that question for a few days. So this morning I went and stood in front of my bookshelf and decided I just had to have an answer to this question. Which characters out of the books on my shelf would I want to be friends with? I never do anything halfway and I must sheepishly admit that I am sitting here surrounded by 18 books that have characters in them I would adore being friends with. And I am confident that I could have found 18 more if I had not consciously stopped myself :)

So the first one I have to be friends with is Emma from Jane Austen's novel Emma. Emma most definitely had some flaws but she always had good intentions and when she responds to a situation at a picnic in a very poor manner and her dear friend Mr Knightley reproves Emma and explains to her how wrong she was to respond the way she did she bears his reproving with such strength and then determines to fix the situation and is willing to admit that she had been wrong. I would love nothing better that to be friends with someone who tried so hard to be genuine and help people and could admit when she had done wrong. I confess that I dearly would have loved to wear those long dressses with the empire waists and take walks and shoot bow and arrows with her. She is a character that really grows throughout her story and it is fun to be around people who learn and grow in a pleasant easygoing way :) Jane Austen gives her some unlikeable qualities because Emma lives more fully than the others in her world, takes more chances, and feels her successes and failures more keenly. And I love that.

My next dear friend would have to be Eowyn from Lord of The Rings. Eowyn is fearless and I could use a friend with "long hair like a river of gold" and some fearless in my life :) Eowyn did not sit around waiting for an outcome she acted. SIGH.....I would love to hang out with someone who acted and did not wait to be acted upon. If I was her friend I would have been there for her when she realized Aragon did not love her and I would have been ecstatic for her when she met Faramir and married him. We could have ridden our horses across the most incredibly picturesque fields with our hair flowing in the wind and I would hope we would go sword shopping together :)

I thought about being friends with the main characters from two of my favorite books....The Angle of Repose and A Room With A View but Lucy Honeychurch would have been so frustrating to be friends with because it took her forever to be honest with herself about her feelings for George. I wonder if I could have waited patiently for her to discover them? And then Susan Ward sigh...how she messed up everything. I mean it takes two to tango but to watch her come to her angle of repose is oh so painful. But this is not about people I do not want to be friends with ...that can be tomorrow :)

How about Anne Shirley of Green Gables? Oh what a fabulous friend that would have been for me. She was stubborn, she was passionate, she was loyal and oh so smart. I think we could have taken on the world together. Our hearts could have soared together when we saw a beautiful view. I would definitely laid in the bottom of a boat and quoted poetry while floating down the river with her. We could have talked about words for hours on end. And as a added bonus Anne adored fantasy....I could use a break from my, "all about reality friends"....sorry guys :)

Another one that made the top of my list of 18 was Katherine Mary O'Fallon who is the main character in the book Mrs. Mike. She left her home in Boston to marry a Canadian mountie and headed into the great Canadian wilderness with him. I promise I do not just want to be her friend so I can see the Northern lights....that would just be an added bonus. I would selfishly hope I could learn about love from her. Her story is so tender and romantic. Would I have been a supportive friend as she adjusted to living so differently than she had been used to in Boston? Would I have been able to comfort her adequately when her children died? We could have chatted about maturing marriages and their troubles. And how I would have loved to listen to her talk about all she learned.

So I never intended to bore you with my entire list of 18 but I will tell you that silly me had Seabiscuit in my pile...who would not want to be friends with a racehorse? I had The Great Brain...yes girls can be friends with boys. I had Little Women, The Host, Pride and Prejudice, Anne Frank, Redwall (yes,I would be the first human that would be friends with mice :), My Antonia, The Great Gatsby....Nick of course would be the best friend ever he was so open minded and so good at listening. So here is to our favorite friends in books, they fill our minds with so many dreams and hopes and help us to recognize oh so many things as we watch them struggle. I wonder if I was a character in a book if you would want to be my friend? :)

The Sound of Silence.

2011-10-02T08:09:00.000-04:00

Silence is like a river of grace inviting us to leap unafraid into its beckoning depths. It is dark and mysterious in the waters of grace. Yet in the silent darkness we are given new eyes. In the heart of the divine we can see more clearly who we are. We are renewed and cleansed in this river of silence. There are those among you who fear the Great Silence. It is a foreign land to you. Sometimes it is good to leap into the unknown. Practice leaping.

MACRINA WIEDERKEHR, Seven Sacred Pauses

Perhaps the most important thing we bring to another person is the silence in us, not the sort of silence that is filled with unspoken criticism or hard withdrawal. The sort of silence that is a place of refuge, of rest, of acceptance of someone as they are. We are all hungry for this other silence. It is hard to find. In its presence we can remember something beyond the moment, a strength on which to build a life. Silence is a place of great power and healing.

- Rachel Naomi Remen

What do you know about silence? Does it make you feel like you need to say something? Does it make you feel comfortable or awkward? I have been thinking about silence for about 9 months now. Yes, we always think about things for a long time before we actually try them out :) Silence is the relative or total lack of audible sound. Silence can refer to the lack of communication or it can also be total communication. Yeah, think about that for a minute :)

A long, long time ago when I was about 39 there was an activity at the church building in Indiana, where we lived at the time, and I decided to go. I will never forget the fear in my heart when the person in charge of the activity wanted to make a point by having us stand and stare into someones eyes....someone who we did not know very well...we had to stand there while a song played and simply look into this person's eyes. In my head, I was not very mature about this activity I was dreading it. I mean people never do things like that in real life. It is too personal. To still. To revealing. I felt so incredibly awkward but there was no graceful way out of it. At first it was exactly as I imagined.....awkward....but then I started really looking into this particular ladies eyes and I was startled to discover a connection forming. It felt so strange as I seemed to feel her happy and her sad just by looking into her eyes and not saying anything. I did not want to admit that it was sort of cool and because of this experiment I will always have a connection with this woman that I hardly knew.

Sadly, silence and Jennifer have never ever been together in the same sentence. Way too scary :) I have always been on such a never ending quest to know you, connect with you, and trade information with you that silence and being still were rarely on my radar. But I am happy to say that has been changing....ever so slowly... but it is changing. I love learning something new about myself. And I have learned that silence and I are actually very compatible. I am attempting things I never have ever attempted before. I sit on my front porch in the morning for at least a half an hour and just listen and think...no phone, no computer, no book, no cell phone, just me and the front porch. I notice where the sun is shining. I notice the sounds the birds make. I notice the leaves. I have been going on hikes by myself. I spend hours in a silent car with no cd's or radio just the open road and silence. I go shopping by myself. I even find myself not needing to defend myself and just let silence be my answer to rumors and untruths that reach my little ears...don't get too excited I am SO not perfect at this part but I am definitely dabbling in it :) Silence is becoming strangely comforting.

It can be difficult to interpret silence. Does it mean anger, hostility, or disinterest? Or does it mean something else? When I was reading about silence I found out that people who live in Western cultures feel uneasy with silence. So true! When I was teaching seminary I was encouraged to embrace silence and not to feel any rush to fill a quiet space with words. I was taught that it would not hurt those seminary kids to have a moment to reflect. And it turns out it really was a good thing.

There are two kinds of silence. One is good and one is bad. The one where you give the silent treatment or you are quiet because you are too weak to assert yourself can create dysfunction or disunity. The one where you wait to say something because you are trying not to speak impulsively...yeah, thinking before you talk :) Do people do that? :) that silence is good.

Gratitude for Ancestors.

2011-09-25T22:40:00.002-04:00

I have found myself thinking about ancestors tonight. Is it strange that as I have struggled this summer with some oh so enormous difficulties that the one thought that kept me steady through it all was of my ancestors? Yeah, all those adorable people who came before me, all the ones I am descended from. The ones I got my stubbornness from. The ones I got my need to talk from. The ones that I acquired my love of connecting with people from. The ones I got my need for fairness from. And one of them surely had to have given me my sense of humor....sigh, and do not forget the hateful curly hair, and there is oh so much more....but not here, not now :)

SO why did/do my stubborn, talkative,connected, humorous, curly haired ancestors keep me steady through my miserable-ness? And how did they do it since they are long since gone? Dang good questions. You see, my ancestors pushed handcarts across the plains to Utah. They suffered persecution and hardships for what they believed. Some of them died before they ever got to Utah. They left their possessions behind. They never gave up. When the very evil, "I really can not do this" thought crossed my mind this summer the next thought that immediately followed was how could I dare think that ? How could I betray that word persevere that is very solid in my genes?

I was in Utah this summer on the 24th of July, the very date that in 1847 Mormon Pioneers first entered the Salt Lake Valley. I was up very early this particular Sunday morning. I had a multitude of thoughts spinning through my little old mind as I was driving north on the freeway from Salt Lake City towards Plainfield with those huge, majestic mountains sitting on my right with the brilliant morning sun shining on them I found myself doing the sobbing thing as I drove along thinking about what the people who had come before me had given up.....yeah, you know sacrificed. What have you sacrificed lately? What have I sacrificed lately? If you sacrifice something you give up something of value as a means of gaining something more desirable or of preventing some evil. Do I even understand what sacrifice means? Hmmmm I wonder. I think I do.

I have quite a bit of my ancestors writings but I find myself longing for a big old fashioned talk....since we are all talkative and love to connect would that not be lovely? :) What gave them strength? What gave them courage? What were their fears? What was their comfort food? :)

I wonder what kind of ancestor I am being? What strength am I giving to some curly haired, stubborn,talkative, future mini me through my example? Do you think when they were bucking up and being strong way back in the 1800's they had any idea how it would influence my life in 2011 in Massachusetts? I am ever so grateful for their examples.

Plan B?

2011-09-23T09:24:00.000-04:00

We have to talk about hot air balloons today. Why? Because I am ever so fond of torturing myself. But lets not get ahead of ourselves. Lets calmly start at the beginning. I love hot air balloons. When I was a kid in Snohomish the hot air balloons would often fly over our house. You would be laying in bed on a Saturday morning and hear the sound of the hot gas being shot up into the balloon as it went over your house. A disconcerting sound if you do not know what it is. But once you know what it is you run to the window to see if you can see it and then you run outside to get the full view and see if it just might be the one that will land in your families lower pasture. I do not remember having a huge longing to go up in one but I do remember adoring watching them. I feel the same way about the ocean. I could sit and watch it for days but to actually get in it? Ummm yeah, not so much :)

As I grew up and moved away from Washington I have yet to live somewhere where my house has happened to be in the path the hot air balloons took so it has been years since I have seen one. It is a fond childhood/teenagerhood memory I have and I have really wanted my kids to have a chance to see hot air balloons.

So last year about this time I saw a friend from Massachusetts post something on Facebook about a hot air balloon festival in New York. I was so interested. But I had already missed it for that year. So this year I had, "see a balloon festival" on the top of my list of things I HAD to do. I contacted that friend, researched, announced to the family many days ago that there was no choice... they were all coming, and I got the husband to procure a hotel room. Everything was set for the perfect weekend with hot air balloons ever. I have been so gosh darn excited. But I forgot one important detail.....to have a chat with Mr. Weather. Hot air balloons can't play in the rain. It drives me crazy that I still do not know for sure what the weather will be on Saturday September 24th at 5:45am. It continues to fascinate me that I have not one ounce of common sense in my 4'10" body at all and I want to still go even though rain is in the forecast. I continue to be optimistic. But I was voted off the island :) and the hotel was cancelled and I am so sad.

I was determined to have a fun weekend so I got on the computer and started looking up things that were next on my list of "must do's". I would research and get all excited about a new plan and then have my practical, realistic husband remind me it was going to be raining as I continued to mindlessly choose outdoor activities. So look out Baird family because the next sunny weekend in New England we will be driving to WaterFire in Providence, Rhode Island, a balloon festival wherever I can happen to find one in the continental United States, a hike in Vermont, and that awesome train ride in Stockbridge.....reality schmality :)

Use The Force

2011-09-22T20:13:00.001-04:00

Yeah....I googled "Jedi mind tricks" and ended up spending the morning reading about the force. Wait, I can explain. I had a moment of desperation :) I can not seem to make my mind do what everyone else seems to think it should be easily doing and while I was dwelling on that concept for some reason the phrase Jedi mind tricks popped into my mind and I realized that I needed to google it.

I have a sneaking suspiscion that I may have a mind of my own....gasp. It is so fascinating to me how you can know something logically in your mind and yet have the hardest time actually doing it. I think about Luke Skywalker working and working on understanding the force while cruising through space on Han Solo's Millenium Falcon with Obi Wan. Trying to fight against that little gray floating ball while wearing that helmet on his head that covers his eyes. Being told to let go and trust his instincts. Yeah, easier said than done right Luke?

According to Wikipedia the force is all around us and a Jedi...or in this case, a Jennifer, gets her strength from the Force. The force is an energy field created by all living things, it binds everything together. Sometimes there are disturbances in the force and that occurs when there is a death or some intense suffering. There is force sensitivity which means you have a extra gift that makes it so you are ultra sensitive to the force and you have to learn how to harness this gift. If you have telekenisis, levitation, telepathy, increased empathy, basically any increase in natural, physical or mental abilities those all fall under the definition of force abilities. If I could figure out how to just let go and embrace the force I could easily launch proton torpedoes into a two meter wide thermal exhaust port on the Death Star if needed. That would be pretty sweet :) A definite confidence booster.

For now all I really need is the ability to feel and truly understand what I already know, being able to bring down the Death Star is undoubtedly in my future but lets start small. I desperately need a Yoda to help me steady my own mind and teach me how to use The Force to concentrate and be still. Remember when Luke's spaceship sinks in the swamp? Yoda tries to tell him that raising the ship out of the swamp is just like moving the little rocks he has been practicing moving. Luke declares that he will try and after a less than serious attempt he proclaims, "I can't" and simply walks away. While Luke is sulking Yoda sighs, closes his eyes, raises his little hand, does his Jedi mind "thing", and raises the ship out of the water.... Good times.

Yep, I definitely need to open the application process for a Yoda. I fear I may be as stubborn as Luke and it is possible that I may decide to disobey and run off to help my rebel friends but I think in the end it will be a rewarding job. I show lots of signs of being able to submit and concentrate. So if you are non judgemental, patient, unconditional and love frustration you should let me know.... we can watch all the Star Wars movies together before we start :)

Open House.

2011-09-15T22:25:00.003-04:00

Tonight was yet another beginning of the year school open house. Last week was the high school open house. Tonight was the middle school open house and next week is the elementary school open house. I have no idea why I adore attending school open house. I fear it may be my love of watching people. They do so fascinate me.

I love to meet the kids teachers. You can tell so much about them right away. Some have hand outs for you. Some have websites. Some even have Andes mints and sharpened pencils for you. Some spend a ton of time explaining the curriculum. Some brag. Some justify their choices. Some keep you after the bell that tells you to head to your kids next class just because they can. I love how pleased they are with themselves when they immediately guess which child is mine. I never ever crush their little world by telling them that everyone in the world knows after one look that my kids are mine :) I just smile and ask them how on earth they knew that I was Joe, Tatiana, Madeline, Miriam, Amanda, Natalie or Zach's mom. I know they are sizing me up just as I am sizing them up. Some of them I can talk to immediately like we were best friends. Others I work very hard to get a smile. I always find it interesting that just as I love to tell my kids what I observed about their teachers their teachers love to tell my kids what they observed about me. I am sure they are watching which seat I choose to sit in, if I chat to the people around me, what kind of questions I ask, if I brought a pen (yeah, I forgot one and had to borrow a pen from someone in every single one of Joe's classes...UGH). They are most likely thinking that they can tell from a mile away that I am Amanda's mom as I ask lots of questions to make sure I am filling out my forms the exact right way... Joseph's mom as I ask my questions with a smirk on my face, and Tatiana's mom as I sit quietly and drink in everything in the room with my eyes.

Observing the teachers is not the only fun at open house....oh, no the parents are supremely entertaining. At Westfield High School I wish I knew the statistic on how many of the parents actually went to Westfield High School themselves. They all seem extremely chummy as we are all walking through the halls. It is almost like we are all back in high school too as we walk from class to class sizing each other up. I have "I went to high school on the west coast and don't know any of you" written all over me. But I love that. More quiet alone time with my thoughts and analyzing of them :) There is always a parent in every class that asks a question that the teacher has already answered. There is always a parent that asks a question that makes it so you know they are doing their kids homework for them :) There is always a class clown, even when you are a grown up. You can observe which ones were popular when they were in school. And which ones are still fighting their label from high school. Yep, there is nothing but a good time to be had at open house.

Tonight was the middle school open house and I confess I almost did not go. I was involved in a book that I could not put down but at the last minute Tatiana asked if I was going and I said yes and I am once again so glad I went. I learned oh so much. Her music teacher made me smile and wish I could be in school as he exuberantly taught me about chords. Her science teacher had her picture taken with Bill Nye the science guy. Her math teacher loves acronyms. Her language arts teacher wants them to learn how to make the boring interesting (which a few parents were not to thrilled about...it is so hard for their kids to write about something if something interesting did not happen to them.) It surely can not be easy to be a teacher and have to deal with us parents. We think we know how they should teach and how they should handle things and we think our kid is perfect. I find myself longing more and more with each passing open house that I could be a school teacher. It looks so amazingly fun. It seems like a cruel twist of fate that I am going to be 43 soon and finally know what I want to be when I grow up. Thanks life for showing up late.....bless your heart :)

Overgrown.

2011-09-08T10:05:00.004-04:00

I have been ignoring my garden this summer....there I said it. In all my 20 plus years of gardening I have never, ever been able to say that. I guess there is a first time for everything, eh? As the evil bunnies systematically ate two plantings of peas and 6 rows of beans I felt discouragement take over and as it turned out, bunnies were the least of my worries this summer, and I finally just had to give up.

I finally decided just this last Saturday that enough was enough and I set out to face the very embarrassingly overgrown garden. I am not sure what I had been waiting for. Maybe I had read way too many church-y articles about people needing support and service and other people feeling prompted to show up to help and thought someone would show up and offer to weed along with me and listen to me talk in a most un-judging way :) Yeah, silly me, I tend to not embrace reality :) I filled our huge, wheelbarrow heaping full with weeds four times and that was not even half of the garden. Can I tell you how rewarding it was to rescue the poor little plants that were choking? It was so therapeutic to grab the base of those huge weeds with both hands and pull and pull and then to be rewarded with a beautiful open spot.

I decided you would still love me and not be too disappointed in me if I posted a picture of the part that is left for me to weed so you can see just how neglectful I have been. And hopefully you can feel better about the state of your garden.

I was curious to discover that despite the weeds I had a fabulous crop of potatoes. A overwhelming crop of cucumbers. And way too many tomatoes. And meandering all around the garden are the best pumpkin vines I have ever grown with huge pumpkins on them. So all was not lost. Definitely not pretty to look at but still fulfilled it's purpose.

I spent Tuesday canning tomatoes and got 20 pints from my first picking. I am going to have to find more tomato based recipes to use all these canned tomatoes :)

As I weeded my garden I found myself thinking about The Secret Garden. I can vaguely remember reading the book and I know I watched the movie and I found myself wondering if what I remembered was true. So today when I really should be weeding the rest of the garden I fear I am off to go sit on my bum and watch The Secret Garden. It seems like I remember the overgrown, hidden garden giving someone a focus, a goal, and some perspective but I could be, oh so, wrong :)

Running Shoes.

2011-09-06T07:48:00.003-04:00

I have known for awhile now that I needed running shoes. I actually had a pair picked out in May at Marshall's but when I went back to get them they were gone. I have a few issues that make it so shoe shopping in general, let alone, running shoe shopping has some serious obstacles.

The first issue is my shoe size which happens to be a kids size 2. Some of my shoes are three's, some are four's, I even went through a phase where I convinced myself I could wear a ladies size five but the truth of the matter is I wear a size two in kids. Yes, I could wear shoes that have Dora the Explorer or princesses on them if necessary......which is a very helpful thing to know.

I had a dear friend that alerted me to the fact that there are websites out there that have amazingly grown up looking shoes in my size but I have yet to commit to one of them. Instead I continue to wander aimlessly through the kid shoe sections in Kohls, JC Penney, Kid Footlocker, Marshall's, Lands End and oh so many more. Occasionally I will have amazing luck and find something that looks grown up-ish. It may have flowers on the bottom, so that I can leave enviable footprints wherever I go but all that matters is that on the surface it looks like a 42 year old woman's shoe. I have to say that this amazing luck with shoes happens very occasionally.

When I was a teenager I was known to stuff the toe of my shoes with toilet paper so that I could wear a shoe I adored but did not really fit me. I just needed to confess to you about that just here in the middle of my blog :)

An issue that comes with running shoe shopping is finding good running shoes for kids....ahem, that are not pink and are actually good running shoes like they would make for a serious running adult. Which I am hoping to be :)

Two weeks ago I spent way too much time in all the running shoe stores in the mall with Joseph, my 15 year old, and while I was waiting for him to look at every single shoe in every store I wandered over to my section and checked out what my options were. Everything was very trendy. With odd bottoms or colors or velcro :) Things that make the kids feel like they are going to die if they are not wearing them. I am not sure what a shoe would have to have to make a 42 year old woman die if she was not wearing them. Finally in one store on the clearance rack I saw a pair of Nike's that spoke to me. They were light. They could bend in half. They were gray. They were $39.99. I did not purchase them. WAIT....the story is not over :) If you are going to shop with me you have to know this is normal. I left them there. And the next two times I was in the store I looked at them again. I needed to know if they were going to be good running shoes. I knew I liked them otherwise. Finally, I ended up at the mall with my 20 year old daughter who ran on the BYU track team and she approved my shoes...I think it is called validation and reassurance :) And those two words were all I needed to purchase the Nike Glide 2's in gray.

Of course now that I have the running shoes I need running outfits. For the first time in years I am looking at running tights, running shorts, running shirts....gasp....without sleeves. I do not know why some of us think we need all the right things before something can happen :) But all the stores in the world must surely be grateful for us :)

I am going to take the best care ever of these shoes. They are not allowed in the garden or when I am doing yard work. I always end up wearing my "running shoes" everywhere until they become "everything shoes." But not these shoes. The other shoes in my closet are going to accuse them of being stuck up and it is going to be true...they are only for running :)

Pissarro, Williamstown and Friday.

2011-09-02T23:26:00.006-04:00

Yesterday was the first of my Adventure Friday's. I have had Clark Museum written on my calendar for several days and was so excited for this day. All summer long there has been a billboard on the Mass Pike and this billboard told everyone heading west on the Pike about a special exhibit at the Sterling and Francine Clark Museum in Williamstown and I would stare at it longingly every single time I drove by, which is way to often :) The exhibit was called Piasarro's People and I was going to die if I did not get to see it. I easily convinced my dear friend Gail to go with me and we chose yesterday for our fun.

The drive in itself makes it so worth it to go. It was a beautiful clear day with a hint of Fall in the air. The trees are getting ready to change color. The entire drive there are trees and mountains in every direction and I could see hints of fall colors on the tops. We passed several beautiful lakes. We saw enormous wind....oh dear what do you call them? They are so amazing. They are huge and they look like giant pinwheels that are plain white and they make energy out of wind. They look so out of place yet mesmerizing when you see them peeking over the mountains turning around and around. I wish I had a picture to show you what it looked like. I could have watched them for a long time. The New England towns are so beautiful to drive through. And a few times the road would just happen upon an amazing view that would fill my heart so full it would nearly burst. The conversation with Gail is always fascinating and I had not even arrived at the museum yet and I could confidently declare it was a perfect day.

I did my research and the library in our town had a free pass to the Clark Museum so we were feeling pretty proud of ourselves that our day was going to be free.....oh, alright, gas and some food :)

I have to admit I did not know much about Pissarro so I did not know what to expect. It continues to amaze me as I look at art and read about the paintings how confidently people can declare what the painter was feeling when he painted the picture and how his political views, his personal relationships, and his profound social and economic concerns can all shape what he choses to paint. I guess if I would have sat still and thought about it it does make sense that your work would be much better if you were trying to make a statement and cared deeply about the topic and that you would need a strong motivation.

So the scoop is that Camille Pissarro was an impressionist painter. Often referred to as the father of impressionism.....what does being an impressionist painter mean? If you are an impressionist painter you use small, thin, yet visible brush strokes and your emphasis is on the accurate depiction of light. Also you paint common ordinary subject matter. And there are some other guidelines but these seem to be the basic ones :)

Pissarro painted his family, friends, and farm workers. Lots of the pictures were set in his home, out in fields, or market places. Of course one of my favorites was painted in a garden. Pissarro had eight kids so he had lots of options for subjects to paint. He apparently was a family man but not conventional in any way. He encouraged his kids to read and draw and to question the values of the time. Pissarro himself had anarchist beliefs. I had heard that word before but I had never had a cause to really focus on what it meant. As I read about him at the museum and talked with Gail I came to understand what it meant and to form my own opinion of anarchist beliefs. Pissarro's anarchist beliefs were a huge part of his life.

We looked through part of Pissarro's paintings on the main level of the musuem and then we wandered through some other exhibits. A fascinating concept if you think about it.....wandering through a museum staring at things other people painted, wondering what they were thinking about when they painted the picture. Amazing how much of art celebrates the human body. There were also lots of portraits and landscapes. I felt a little disappointment at some of the titles of some of the pictures....."Man in a Hat"....really? I could do so much better even just a few more words would have made a world of difference.....Man in a Hat Thinking About His Day" would have thoroughly satisfied me and given me lots to think about.

We eventually found our way to the rest of the Pissarro exhibit on another floor of the museum and then sadly we had to get going. I hate how your real life reaches out and grabs you and you can not ignore it. We ate at a cafe in the museum that was truly amazing. I had quiche with swiss cheese and ham in it and an amazing salad with all sorts of fresh lettuces. It was so fabulous and yummy that we both did not even hesitate to order the chocolate mousse for dessert. I NEVER order dessert but the lunch was so light and perfect that I was surprised that I actually had room for dessert. And it was oh so decadent. I wanted to stay there all day. It was such an amazing day that I still feeling the after effects of it today....have you ever had a day like that? That the feeling and impressions of the day are still with you the next day? As I am sitting in my cozy bed in my flannel pajamas. I am sincerely longing to go back to Williamstown.

On the way home we passed a beautiful green, wood door sitting in the "free zone" :) Gail needed that door and so we stopped. We laughed and laughed as we got it to fit in my little Subaru. And then we stopped down the road to re-adjust the door so the back hatch could actually be closed :)

I am planning another Friday adventure for next week now that the kids are back in school. I do adore the freedom. And I am continually amazed at how much there is to see around where I live and I am determined to see it all :)

Have You Ever Noticed?? :)

2011-08-29T23:20:00.002-04:00

One thing about what I have been through this summer is that it has made me very aware of when something makes me smile. And when I notice that something made me smile I have been making a note of it in my head. I have never done this before. Usually everything makes me smile but this summer I have learned a lot about not feeling like smiling and it has actually been good and has made me notice the little things so much more.

On our paper route we drive by a house that almost everyday I notice that the husband and wife are sitting in chairs just inside their garage. Just sitting there observing the world. Maybe they are chatting or maybe they just sit there in silence. Regardless, it always makes me smile and today I even heard a chuckle escape from my throat as I saw they were both wearing khaki pants and a white polo.

Last night I decided to watch Mama Mia. I forgot how delightful that movie is. There are several parts that make me grin from ear to ear. Yes, I do always sob when Meryl Streep sings The Winner Takes It All with such passion to Pierce Bronson. But the rest of the movie, the music, and the little asides, truly make me smile.

The other day I was riding in the car with Madeline on the way home from book club and she and I happened to notice a guy in a truck that was practically in the trunk of my car and as he passed by us in a huff we ended up having to stop at a stoplight next to him and as we stopped we looked over at the guy driving the truck and he looked over at us at the same time and we realized he was not too bad on the eyes and he realized Madeline was not to shabby either and Madeline and I bust up laughing as we all had this realization. It felt good to burst out in laughter.

I have taken to sitting on our front porch and thinking and as I was sitting there the other day I watched a little chipmunk come up out of a little hole and rest his little paws on the edge and just gaze at me like he wanted to have a conversation. It made me smile as I wondered if a chipmunk looking like he cared could count as a tender mercy? :)

When we mowed the lawn the other day Tatiana and Natalie spent forever out in the yard playing and when they came in Tatiana was telling me that they had been gathering the mowed grass and playing with it. I told her how I loved doing that when I was a kid. It seemed to give her courage when I said that and then she decided to come clean and told me that they had been picking things in the yard and making "salads." I smiled. And I told her how I totally remember making salads out of things I picked in the yard when I was a kid. It made me feel like going to play salad with them.....oh and then we could turn the bikes upside down and turn the pedals and make ice cream with ingredients from the yard too :)

Kid History makes me smile. When the college kids in my house come home from college they spend oh so many days treating us to discoveries they have made on Youtube while getting their education. The latest discovery is Kid history. And they brought that home in December. You must quickly go to Youtube and search for kid history and be prepared to laugh and laugh and laugh out loud. It feels so good. My kids love them and have introduced all their friends to them. I even exposed my parents to them and I think they liked them. You know that anxious feeling you have when you introduce someone to something you really like and you want them to like it too? And you wonder will they? I have yet to find anyone who does not laugh out loud at Kid history.

There is this word that Natalie made up and uses all the time that makes me smile. Whenever she wants to say the word without she instead says "forout" So she will say "I want my sandwich "forout" mustard." "Or I want to go to the store forout Tatiana." As often is with made up words we all use "forout" now and it really makes me smile.

It has been interesting to feel like I have been "forout" a smile for so long that I am actually noticing when I am smiling. I am amazingly grateful for the perspective :)

Do You Have It?

2011-08-25T10:07:00.002-04:00

"I have confidence in sunshine. I have confidence in rain. I have confidence that spring will come again besides what you see I have confidence in me."

Can you see Julie Andrews, a suitcase in each hand, dancing down that oh so beautiful road somewhere in Austria, on her way to her nanny job for the seven Von Trapp children, singing her guts out about whether she has confidence or not? I deeply adore this song I am actually listening to it at this very minute and blogging at the same time :) Do not try this at home...it requires a huge amount of concentration :) Lately, having confidence has been on my mind way too much. I wish you could get confidence just by thinking about it. If that was the case I would currently have a ton of it and would be selling the excess to you for a tidy profit :)

If you have confidence you believe in yourself and not just yourself but your powers and your abilities. Did you know the opposite of confidence is mistrust? People who possess confidence have determination, assurance, resolution and certainty. The part that fascinates me the most is that if you have confidence you are not afraid to be who you are. Is Jennifer afraid to be who she is? I have been pondering this.

I know I was not afraid to be who I was when I was little. I mean you just have to look at my class pictures from those early years and how could you ever doubt my confidence? :) In one grade I am wearing a red ribbon tied oh so carefully around my neck...definitely had confidence then. What about the year I wore the pink dress with my blue running shoes? Yep, that screams confidence. Oh wait, we can not forget the year I wore the white and red knitted poncho...yeah, I could have written the book on confidence that year. Clearly I was who I was, none of that hiding who I truly was stuff for me. Now in case you think I think confidence means you wear out of the ordinary things in elementary school, actually, there are more reasons why I think I used to have confidence.....

I am sure it took confidence to hit a boy in the neighborhood with a big stick when he proposed playing doctor.....I did not care one bit what he thought of me and was not scared to stand for what I believed in...yes, I know I hit :)

It took confidence to try out for solos in choir in middle school

It took confidence to try out for student office over and over and over again.

I wonder if it was confidence I had when I told my sixth grade teacher how to organize the talent show never considering that I should not share my fabulous ideas :)

...editor of my sixth grade newspaper, running track, playing the piano, singing......I must have had a little bit of confidence to try all those things

Never once did the thought cross my mind that people would not like me....yes, it crosses my mind daily now...ugh :) I wonder where that confidence went? Knowing my luck it probably is in Greece and I will have to get a passport and lots of money to go find it :)

I am determined to locate my self confidence. According to what I have read that means that I have to first figure out where I am right now...where I want to go...get the right mindset for my journey... and apparently commit(yeah, we love that "C" word).

A confident person does not behave based on what other people think.

A confident person does not stay in their comfort zone afraid of failure and afraid of taking a risk

A confident person does not work hard to cover up mistakes and hope they can fix their problem before anyone notices.

I am forcing myself to have lots of quiet, alone time with myself so I can figure out confidence. Usually I fill the enormous void in my life with party after party and person after person. I seem to have a different perspective these days it is a little unlike me but I am pleasantly surprised at how empowering it is turning out to be. I have always admired people who could give themselves what they need and not need from other people. I want to have that quiet confidence.

To start my journey I made a list of things that would be outside my comfort zone and I am going to accomplish them all. I will not bore you with the entire list but the biggest one on the list is running a Ragnar Relay next spring. I think the running will really help my confidence. Since Seminary is starting soon my running time will be 4:30 or 5:00 in the evening everyday. My first goal is to be able to make it to Stanley Park and back and then I will add to that. This was a goal awhile ago but life just was to heavy for awhile there for me to accomplish anything but now I am back and very excited and determined to face this one.

So we can all start looking forward to the day that I can dance, and sing about my confidence, while swinging my suitcases down a lane in Austria just like Julie Andrews.

Connecting.

2011-08-23T22:23:00.004-04:00

I am sitting here in my cozy LL Bean flannel jammies letting my mind wander around the word connect as I stare at the chocolate brown walls in my room. I am not quite sure what started me thinking about this word tonight. Maybe I felt a longing to connect, recognized it, and started really wondering what would make someone have that longing. Maybe I was thinking about how amazing it feels to truly connect with someone. Maybe I was thinking about doing a dot to dot :) Maybe I was thinking about the game Connect Four. Maybe I was thinking about the joy that comes when you can not figure out how to put something together and then you figure out if you connect this to that and then..... voila you did it. Whatever it was, I am deep in thought about connecting, and have lots of longing to connect with you on the subject :) Most of the thoughts are meandering ones so do not get your panties in a bunch as I brainstorm out loud. Putting the words down is oh so helpful for me but possibly confusing to you :)

As I was contemplating how I could put into words all that is in my head and heart about connecting I went to dictionary.com and checked out the word connect....there were all the usual connect type words there hanging out... join, link, bind, fasten together, unite, associate.....but then something caught my eye...the word bridge. You all know I have been fascinated with bridges lately. I have been trying for over a year to find a spot of time to read The Great Bridge by David McCullough. A book all about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge. I devoured it on all my plane trips this summer and I am finally half way through it. I long to finish it. The book is so fascinating. From the minute I read this quote in the front of it, I began my fascination with bridges;

"It happens that the work which is most likely to be our most durable monument, and to convey some knowledge of us to the most remote posterity, is a work of bare utility, not a shrine, not a fortress, not a palace, but a bridge."

Montgomery Schulyer made that quote in Harpers Weekly in 1885. And I have thought a lot about it and read it over and over. So when I connect with someone I make a bridge and my most durable monument long after I am gone will be those connections I have made with people? Some of the bridges I have attempted to make have not stood the test of time and misunderstandings have caused them to fall....they apparently were not built on firm foundations. Washington Roebling went to so much work to make sure the Brooklyn Bridge was built on a extremely firm foundation. The amount of work and research he did to make sure the caissons were sitting on firm solid ground in the river was truly amazing. Some of the bridges I have made in my life have been built on that sort of foundation and have been unconditional and solid and brought me so much joy and wonder.

So, there I was last Saturday standing on the deck of the Staten Island Ferry at 5:00 in the evening taking pictures of all the amazing bridges I could see all around me, in every direction, all of them connecting things. Each bridge was different. I wanted to know about them all. Who built them, and how, and why, and when. When the Brooklyn Bridge was built some people were afraid of what the connecting of New York City to Brooklyn would do and some were excited about the prospects. People are like that too. Some of us are afraid of making connections....we may get hurt, it may be a connection that requires some work, or maybe it is a connection that will require a sacrifice. I confess I never think about the scary parts of connecting I just plow ahead needing and wanting a connection.....sigh...maybe someday I will learn to stop being so naive and learn to weigh the enormous risks of connecting.

We all long to connect, right? I work oh so hard at it. I really am interested in people. I keep in touch with people from every place I have ever lived. It is very important to me. I love that I can reach out to friends from years ago and pick up right where we left off. Sometimes I fight with all my might the incredibly overwhelming need I have to connect. I have been known to secretly curse this part of me and try with all my might to suppress it. It is oh so often misunderstood to be neediness or sometimes people do not think it is possible for someone to want to connect as much as I do and they decide I am not genuine.

When you meet someone for the first time you immediately start searching in your conversation for ways to connect....Where have you lived? Where are you from? What is your favorite color? Searching for a common ground....a connection.... and, oh the joy, when you discover a connection..... you like avocado, and apricots, and asparagus? SO DO I !

Some Shoes Just Need You.

2011-08-21T22:19:00.004-04:00

Do you remember when you were a kid and you were shopping with your mom and while shopping you saw something that you just fell in love with? Something that you could totally imagine yourself wearing. Something you just know would complete your image? Something that will make you famous? :) JOKING. But seriously, something that connected with you? I remember this happening a few times in my life. Often the free flowing dreamy happiness that I knew would come pouring in when I got the item of my dreams depended upon if I could get my mom to see the vision too.

Once when I was in Junior high I had a solo in a choir concert and I needed a new dress for the occasion, while shopping I found this amazing, "flowy", gauzy, white dress with short puffy sleeves. It was made by the brand Gunne Sax which was my brand of choice when I was a kid. I was so positive that when I went to the Academy Awards I would be wearing a dress made by Gunne Sax :) Anyway, I do not remember the conversation my mom and I had about this dress but I do remember her actually calling my dad from the mall (back in the day of ....gasp... no cell phones.) to ask him if she could purchase it for me. I think it was around $40.00 which was pretty unheard of when I was a kid. But I am happy to report that both of my parents saw the free flowing dreamy happiness that would come to me when I got this dress and it did became mine. I wore it, and wore it, and wore it clear into high school. LOVED this dress. I do not remember caring whether I looked great in this dress or not I just cared that I felt on top of the world when I wore it.

Once I saw a pair of jeans in the JC Penney catalog that had a roller skate embroidered on the back pocket, the girl in the catalog looked so happy wearing them that I could SO see myself at the roller skating rink, skating around with ALL my friends, wearing those fabulous jeans. This was one of those times when not one of my miserable, boring, non visionary parents agreed with me and those jeans that would have made all my dreams come true were never mine.

Just a few weeks ago when I was in Oregon thrift storing merrily away with my mother in Eugene I saw some shoes sitting in a shelf that, without a doubt, knew my name. I saw myself in these shoes. It did not matter what anyone thought of them I knew they were mine. Of course you hope for some validation and reassurance when you purchase but occasionally you just purchase because you just know and that was the story with these shoes. The great part about thrift storing is that you can often just do that because usually the price is "oh so right"and definitely not an issue in the decision making process. SO for $1.50 I really had no decision, the shoes were mine. My mom had some questions about the shoes as I would have too if one of my girls had shown the same shoes to me. They are suede and had a few spots on them but I would not be dissuaded from purchasing them. I never even sat them back down. Which is not really like me.

When I got home my dad took out his shoe cleaning basket which was full of all sorts of amazing things that I had no idea even existed on this planet and we brushed the shoes and rubbed a magic stone on the shoes (JK about the stone...we did rub the shoes with a magic blob of something I just do not remember what it was called.) But I had an enormous amount of hope in it. The shoes seemed to look a little better, but again, it did not really matter, I had already seen myself wearing them...for eternity :)

I have worn the magnificent shoes about 5 times since I got home from Oregon. No one has noticed them or said anything about them but I adore how I feel when I wear them. I have never ever owned a pair of red shoes. Red is my very favorite color. I love the thick chunky feel of these shoes. I love the confidence I feel when I see the red peeking at me when I look down at my feet. Yes, my life is complete :)

Hiking Alone.

2011-08-17T14:51:00.006-04:00

I can not believe that I have not yet told you about my hike last Saturday. Remember Alander Mountain? Remember me hiking it alone? Yes, all by myself :) Well it finally happened. I set out to accomplish it a few times and glitches kept happening so this time I was determined. I had spent the day before I went reading all sorts of things about this hike. Alander Mountain is not very straightforward there are several trails to the top. Some are marked well and some are not. Some are easy and some are not. I read ever so carefully every opinion I could find. That is how I do everything in my life I gather and gather and gather information and then I sort through it all and then....maybe, then I decide :) As with everything in my life I wanted to go one way but was afraid because the way was not as clear to me as I wanted it to be....so I chose the easy well marked way.

All of my family had things going on all Saturday morning so the earliest I could leave was 1:45. I arrived at the hike at 3:00 pm. I grabbed my backpack which I had very thoughtfully and carefully filled with my awesome flashlight which could definitely substitute as a weapon :), lifesavers, some pages with information and directions, a few cliff bars, water, a jacket, my clipboard with paper, a pen, some chex mix, okay, and I will sheepishly admit that some of my seminary papers may have been in the backpack too :) I wondered as I was packing if you pack differently if you know you are hiking alone but I did not think about it too hard.

They had a spot to sign in for the hike so I signed my name and paused as I wrote the number one in the square where they asked how many were in my party.....is one a party? Well I was sure going to find out. I headed out with confidence but true to my nature I asked the first group of people I came upon all sorts of questions...... a little validation and reassurance fix :)

For the most part I was the only one on the trail. I thought about all the different people that were on the mountain all hiking to the same goal I was but all from different starting points and on different trails that they had deemed the best way to the top. My hike seemed strangely like life. We all have a common end goal (hopefully a view :), we meet different people along the way, we ask them about what they have seen or learned on their way, or we ignore them, we may just smile at them, or we may attempt to seriously connect with them, no matter how many people are around us we really are alone, we all reach the top at different times, some of us like to go off of the trail for awhile some of us don't, some of us are prepared, some of us aren't, we all notice different things as we are walking along. Yeah, the list could most definitely go on :) So much symbolism I can hardly bear it :)

I discovered things I never knew before since I usually hike with huge groups. I learned that even full water bottles make a sloshing sound when you walk. I listened to birds. I admit I said a few Snow White type words to some little brown scurrying mice but they paid me no attention and did not seem to know anything about a prince. The hike was well shaded most of the way and the trail was wide and very well marked with blue blazes and some signs. I passed a primitive campground and also a primitive cabin as I neared the top. I stopped at the cabin and read all the things people had written on it and wondered very briefly about the pair of personal effects someone had nailed on the outside.

As I headed up the last very steep part a group was coming down and they warned me about three rattle snakes up ahead sitting on the trail. Strangely it did not bother me and I never did end up seeing them. When I got to the top at 4:18 pm I felt very empowered. I admired the amazing view from every spot I could. I sat and ate some of my food. I did some writing on my trusty clipboard which has now been to the beach and the top of a mountain. I stayed on the top until 5:30 pm and then I decided it was time to head down because of the impending nightfall. Hiking alone in the dark did not appeal to me in anyway......okay, it scared me. I lingered as long as I dared and then slowly headed down.

On the way down I thought about getting to the top and expectations and how I felt. On the way down I met people who asked me questions just like I had asked questions of the people coming down earlier. We always want to know from someone who has already been don't we?

Learning To Drive.

2011-08-16T14:42:00.003-04:00

Do you remember when you learned how to drive? Did you learn in a car with a standard or automatic transmission ? I learned on a standard. I was very afraid. My dad was very patient. I gave him lots of good, "stalling the car on a hill" stories :) There were loads of hills in Everett, Washington where I had to pass my drivers test and I knew it and the hill thing with the standard transmission thing did not seem to comfort my fears much. But I finally got my license. It was such a momentous occasion that my parents bought me my own huge box of miniature Reese's from Costco. And of course that is all I remember about that day :)

My oldest child, Zach, learned how to drive a standard transmission...it was a painful process but he learned. I have left the "teaching the kids driving thing" up to the man of the house. None of the kids, so far, have taken any form of drivers ed. It costs so much money here in Massachusetts that we have had the kids wait until they are 18 to get their drivers licence to avoid shelling out the $600 to $800 dollars that the driving schools in the area are asking. Although sometimes I wonder if it would be worth all the trouble to just pay someone else to do it.

Anyway, Madeline learned how to drive on an automatic transmission. She has driven a standard a few times but she absolutely hates it. But the latest car we purchased has a standard transmission and she really needs to learn how to drive it and I have decided that teaching her is my responsibility. It takes all the persuasive powers I possess to get Madeline out of the house to drive with me. She has a lot to say about our purchase of a car with a standard transmission. I love standard transmission cars and I am the one who wanted it with all my heart. She grumbles the whole time she is driving it about how bad they are and how unnecessary it is to have a car like this when we could have one that does it all automatically for you.....bless her little reasoning heart :) Once she gets going she drives the standard transmission perfectly it is stopping, starting and backing up that give her trouble....:)

I have been wondering a lot about the pros and cons of each transmission as I have been listening to her moan about her miserable existence and as I have been trying to help her to see that she will be so grateful that she knows how to drive a standard transmission car when she grows up. Yeah, she is so not buying that discussion :)

So today I googled "standard versus automatic transmission" and I finally have some reasons for Madeline......that will probably make no difference but at least now I know why and can coherently argue with her on our oh so pleasant drives with each other :)

The first thing I discovered is that a standard transmission car is going to be cheaper apparently you can save $800 to a $1000 dollars if you buy the standard.

Standard transmission cars get better gas mileage

They are more fun to drive.....I already knew this but it was good to be validated by google :)

A standard transmission is more practical if your battery dies. You can get a push start if your battery dies if you have a standard and just keep on driving. If you have an automatic you have to get a jumpstart or towed.

A standard transmission is easier to repair because it has fewer parts and is mechanically simpler than the automatic.

With a standard transmission you can keep the power of the engine right where you want it. Something this little housewife in Massachusetts always wants :)

I found out that in Europe most cars are sold with a manual transmission unlike America. There is a huge list of countries that if you get your licence in a car that is an automatic you receive a drivers licence that declares that you can only drive automatic cars and because manual cars are more prevalent in other countries most people make the effort to take their test in a manual transmission car so they can get the full drivers license. Other countries go even further and you can not get a license if you do not take the test in a manual transmission car....hmmm maybe we should move to Brazil or Denmark :)

Driving a standard transmission requires a lot more concentration and that is Madeline's biggest complaint. How can a person change the radio station, eat, talk on the phone, put on Carmex, and look for something you dropped if you are driving a standard? :) I do not dare tell her I have figured out how to do all those things and way more :)

Miriam also needs to learn how to drive a standard transmission car but she actually really wants to learn so hopefully that will ensure success. I am reading up on the best way to teach someone how to drive a standard so I can do a good job explaining it to her. I have wondered if I even understand all the whens, and hows, and wheres, of driving a standard even though I have been driving one since 1985. I am curious to know if there is a wrong and right way to all the times you shift and downshift and other such things :)

So in the next few weeks the lady who does the laundry and fixes meals at the Baird house will also be teaching driving. The children will probably think I am doing it wrong and have all sorts of things to say and think that every word out of my mouth is critical but otherwise I am sure it will go along fabulously. Maybe if we practice driving to the mall or boyfriends houses it will go better ? :)

Realizing.

2011-08-14T23:20:00.000-04:00

What do you know about realizing? When was the last time you realized something? If you realize something you understand it clearly. You discern it. You know it. You become fully aware of it.

But then what? Sometimes realizing makes you happy. Sometimes realizing makes you feel oh so melancholy. Sometimes you realize something and attempt to ignore it because it is something you prefer to not understand clearly. This is not recommended because if you realize and then ignore you usually just stay in one place and never progress..... sometimes we may be all for that not progressing thing...secretly, of course :) Once you awknowledge that you realized something then you have to choose what to do with this information. I have been doing a lot of realizing lately. It is wearing me out. Is it possible to go a couple days without realizing something? You know take a break from realizing? Does realizing understand if I tell it I am on base right now? Some of the realizing is small and some of the realizing is huge. I had felt a big realization coming on for a few days and I confess...I tried with all my might to hold it off.....how silly and unrealistic am I? I fought a good fight but the realization won the fight and it arrived this morning when I was laying in my cozy bed staring out the window.It was a weird moment when the realization washed over me. I let it come and tried to embrace it and be one with this adorable realization. It was tough because it meant I had to do some admitting. This realization has hung over me all day as I have wondered what to do with it. You do not have to wonder about what to do with the happy realizations so I guess that tells you enough :)

Colbie Caillat sings a pretty great song about realizing. If you really start thinking about it everything is about realizing. Yeah, do not think too hard about it :)

Just right now just off the top of my head with my hands tied behind my back and with my eyes closed i can give you a pretty extensive list of realizations just from today....read and be amazed at my realizing skills :)

I realized I like waking up to rain.

I realized we are out of band aids.

I realized you should never walk into relief society late with way too many bags in your hands and tears in your throat that you thought were all happily supressed.....

I realized that I have a new favorite movie.....The Adjustment Bureau.

I realized Tatiana is almost as tall as me

I realized that nothing is better than unconditional and it is oh so hard to find.

I realized that I can stay up until two in the morning working on refreshments, and a talk for my seminary kickoff meeting and still function all day without a nap.

I realized that I have way too many cucumbers in my garden

I realized that Natalie's birthday is this week...hate it when those sneak up on you.

I realized I have not been a good friend

I realized that my favorite flower is a dahlia...I realize this every day when I check on them and they make me smile :)

I realized that a little 8 year old giving you a hug is pretty awesome.

The worst part about realizing is when YOU realize something BUT no matter how you try you can not have any control over if someone else realizes it. I wish you could will someone to realize something would that not be cool? But then would it still be called realizing? :)

A Few Pictures From the West Coast....the words From the West Coast Are In the Next Blog Down

2011-08-12T10:50:00.008-04:00

When you get out of the car up at the visitors center at the top where Mt St Helens is this is what the hills look like. Lots of stumps and a little bit of green growth. I have no idea why I could not stop being fascinated with the stumps :)

This is my dad and I hugging one of the enormous Redwoods.

One of the Redwoods had fallen over and this was the roots. It made me think about a black hole or a huge Sci-fi yucky creature :)

Yeah, how about laying on the ground and seeing that view whenever you wanted?

My fascination with bridges is growing and this one was begging for me to take its picture :)

Oregon coastline. I loved how there would be these random "plops" of rocks in the water. The water was an amazing blue and all sparkly. I was surprised at how empty the beaches were....that never happens in New England :)

Highlights :)

2011-08-12T10:03:00.003-04:00

I am longing to tell you every detail of my trip to Oregon.

I wanted to tell you about how they lost my luggage on the way there and about the funny little, teeny, tiny bag they give you as a condolence. I decided after looking through my, oh so small bag, that I need to be on the Delta airlines committee that decides what goes in the complimentary "we lost your bag" bag. I could think of some way better stuff. Although I had no idea they could make deodorant so teeny tiny :) it was pretty cute.

I want to tell you about how comforting it was to wake up every morning and have the Wall Street Journal spread out across the kitchen and listen to my parents discussing its contents while they ate their steel cut oats with blueberries from their garden on it. We discussed riots in England, the S&P, and the stock market to our hearts content.

I want to tell you about how we got up Monday morning and headed for the Oregon coast and how part way there I asked my dad about how far it was to the Redwoods and right then and there we decided to drive down the coast to California and see the Redwoods. I love doing things spontaneously like that. The views of the Oregon coastline off of Highway 101 were beautiful. When we got there we hiked into a grove of redwoods and it was so peaceful and definitely awe inspiring. I had so many questions.

Yeah, speaking of questions. My parents did not really remember that I ask so many questions. And I do not really remember them not having all the answers :) One of them mused outloud at one point about how I see the world and am so curious. We should probably start a support group for those of you who have been exposed to four days of my question asking and wondering.

I want to tell you about thrift storing. I grew up going to thrift stores with my mom and sisters. I am not so good at it. It takes me awhile to get into it. Once you find one amazing find then your mood changes and you are ready to search endlessly all day. I ended up finding a ton of stuff and only spending about $35.00, I even figured out how to get it all home.

I want to tell you about picking berries and veggies in the garden and then coming in and eating everything we picked.

I want to tell you every detail of our trip up to Mt St Helens. I had lived in Washington most of my life and had never been to see it. I was so excited about this excursion. I was watching for the signs the whole way up to the mountain. I was looking for areas where the mud, ash, and logs had washed down the river. It was amazing to me that even though it erupted in 1980 a lot of the signs of what had happened were still there. As we got closer to the mountain I marveled at all the tree stumps and all the logs still laying on the mountains where the blast made them fall. I was curious about so many things. I asked question after question. There were four visitors centers on the way to the mountain but it was late enough in the day that we headed straight for the visitors center at the top. When we got there we watched a movie about the eruption and when the movie was over this curtain automatically goes up and there, right in front of you, larger than life is a perfect view of Mt. St Helens. It was pretty cool. We walked around and took lots of pictures. I was amazed at all the wild flowers growing everywhere...all different colors. The area around the volcano had such a desolate feeling. I did not understand until I saw it what an incredible force it was.

I wanted to tell you that I thought flying when there were fireworks and thunderstorms was the best but then this time I flew when there was huge puffy white clouds everywhere and also flew when the sun was setting in the west as I was flying east and I realized that I just love flying :)

A Few Pictures From Oregon.

2011-08-07T20:27:00.003-04:00

I can not keep staring at the amazing color of this hydrangea by the folks front door

Yeah, how I long to garden like the master, my mother :) Check it out :)

I adore this rock path that wanders through the yard. The perfectness and exactness of it ....sigh

Going Home.

2011-08-07T19:13:00.004-04:00

How long has it been since you were home? What is home anyway? How does it make you feel? How do you know it is home? If you are home you are in a situation that is familiar to you a place where you feel at ease. Yesterday I got on an airplane at 4:30 in the afternoon Eastern time and got off of an airplane at 9:30 Pacific time and then drove another 2 plus hours and then I was home. I have not been to my parents home in six years. I have seen my parents during those six years but have not been to their actual home in Cottage Grove, Oregon. I did not grow up in the home they live in. They have lived here 12 years. Yet, the minute I walked in the door the smells were familiar. The feeling of peace and contentment were familiar. The pictures hanging on the wall were familiar. Some of the pieces of furniture I remember from my childhood that are still around were familiar.

I think maybe the last time I had both of my parents to my complete and utter self was when I was born :) I sighed inside when the minute I got out of the car last night at 12:30 in the morning my dad said "You have to come out here away from the light and look at the stars" So there I stood in the driveway thousands of miles from my home standing under the Oregon sky looking at millions of stars, the Milky Way and oh so much more. They live out in the country on the top of a hill with an amazing view of a lake and pine trees for as far as the eye can see.

Our favorite thing to do as soon as we can is walk through the yard. My parents spend most of their time in the yard and the garden and it shows. It made me feel ashamed at how I have neglected my yard these last few months. We picked squash, cucumbers, blueberries, boysenberries and strawberries. We stared at the most beautifully colored hydrangea, in their front yard, that I have ever seen. We mourned the loss of 4 fruit trees in their orchard. I reaquainted myself with their mannerisms that endear them to me. We fixed breakfast for lunch.

It is so quiet here. I have been sitting in a chair reading this afternoon in 75 degree weather, with the windows all open so a breeze can blow through, listening to the distant sound of motor boats on the lake, listening to my parents share what they are reading in their books, and trying not to think too much about all the things I need to figure out.

In 20 years will I have a comfortable, yet humble home, with a view, with a perfect lawn and gardens and berries and fruit trees and a patio set and a grill? Will that make me happy? :) We have already been discussing happiness, the folks and I, where it comes from and what it means......good times :)

Sigh....Beach Day.

2011-08-03T21:48:00.008-04:00

Today was, "Go to Crane Beach with 4 other moms and 15 kids between us Day." I do love this day. It started when I left my house at 8am in the morning with my 15 passenger van. By 9:15 all the friends had been gathered and we were on our way up the Massachusetts Pike with a completely full 15 passenger van and one extra car following along.

We arrived at Crane Beach in Ipswich at about 11:30. We ran into a little bit of traffic but it was a beautiful day to drive so I would never, ever complain about traffic. When we drove into the parking lot at the beach and I saw how empty it was I just knew it was going to be a great day. I love when you arrive at Crane Beach because you can not see the beach from the parking lot so you are filled with anticipation. You unload the car, load your children, and yourself with things you can not live without on the beach. Then you head up to the wooden stairs and boardwalk through some amazing tall, blowing in the wind, grasses and then there it is.... the Atlantic Ocean and the waves are breaking on a flat white beach that goes on and on and on in either direction. I had forgotten how truly stunning Crane Beach is. The tide was out when we arrived and there were some sand bars that were definitely calling my name. I am frantically searching for the perfect words to explain to you how fabulous the day was. There was a breeze. The water was 65 degrees. The kids were building in the sand and playing in the water. The seagulls...um yeah, a little bothersome, but yet oh so entertaining.....like me :) I had my cherries. I had my four friends to chat with. I had my paper and a clipboard.....what? Yes, you heard me :) You never know when you may need to write.

As soon as we dropped our stuff in the sand the kids and I headed off to explore the sand bars. In the water that was sitting between the sand bars there was schools of little fish that were oh so fun to try to herd....which we tried to do for way too long. The only downside of the day was a time limit. We all knew that would be the way it was before we ever left Western Massachusetts and yet, we still decided to go. My most very favorite situation is a beach day without a time limit. I love to be the last one on the beach in the evening and to drive home in the dark with sleeping kids. That will happen on our next beach trip which will hopefully be the third week of August. But today was still very fun. I wonder if I rented a beach house and stayed for a week if it would be possible to get tired of the beach?

Tatiana and her friends built a sand wall next to the shore and while I watched them frantically try to stop the tide from destroying it I found myself remembering all the times I had built something on the beach and thought I could keep the tide from destroying it. You can't hold back the tide no matter how you try. It may take time but eventually it will come. Interesting to think about.

On the way home I asked my friends riding in my car with me when was the first time they ever went to the beach? As I listened to them tell their stories I found myself thinking about when was the first time I ever saw the ocean and I realized that the Pacific Ocean had always been a part of my life. I remember my dad driving our big old yellow Cadillac on the beach when I was a kid. I remember my parents finding a green Japanese fishing float on the beach. I remember my dad losing our car keys on a very rocky beach in La Push, Washington. I remember being tumbled into shore by a huge wave in San Clemente, California when I was 12. Ever since that experience I still love the ocean but do not get into the water the way I used to. The first time I saw the Atlantic Ocean was when I had Zach and Madeline and it was Christmas Day in New Jersey.

I wish there was a way to describe all the thoughts in my head as I sat on the beach and took in everything....the texture of the sand on Crane Beach is very fine and the way it feels as you dig your feet in and bury them is so soothing. The color of the water was so true. The Crane Beach Estate sitting back on the hill looks so stately. And don't forget all the beach sounds. It reminded me that I once had a roomate in college who had a tape with wave sounds on it that she would listen to when she was trying to sleep. I found myself wondering if everyone else is thinking the same sort of things when they are at the beach. Are they sighing inside at the gloriousness of it all or all they thinking about what is for dinner? I have a feeling I might be the only person in the world who has constant longing in my heart at the beach and a constant awareness of all the details...but do tell me if you understand, maybe we could go to the beach together and marvel at all the amazing-ness together :)

A Movie and the River. Yes, In the Same Day :)

2011-08-03T06:40:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was one of those days. You know the ones. You do nothing you should do and just.....gulp...go with the flow. It started when I woke up at 7:12, jumped out of bed, threw on sweats, a ponytail, and headed on a bike ride. I literally was out of the house in 60 seconds. The morning was beautiful and I have a goal to ride my bike every morning. I usually leave at 6:45 am but today I did a little sleeping in. I love the freedom I feel while I am riding my bike. There is a particular street in Westfield that has significance to me and my goal each morning is to ride to this street and then I turn around and head back home. The ride ends up being about 4 or so miles and it is oh so glorious....okay, and very theraputic.

When I got home I quickly got changed out of sweats, answered e-mail, folded laundry, and then I woke up my two little girls because Tuesday and Wednesday morning the movie theater in West Springfield shows a free movie for kids. They do it all summer and the Baird girls...ahem, and the mom all live for it. This week was a movie I have never seen so I was really looking forward to it.....Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief. The movie starts at 10:00 am and we usually leave oh so early so we can save seats for our friends. I really enjoyed the movie....yes, even though the theater is teaming with little voices fighting over seats, and popcorn, and asking questions, and exclaiming about which part is coming up next in the movie :)

It seems like more often than not I end up leaving the movie with more kids than I arrived with which is no problem for me and today was no exception. I loaded the car with three friends plus my two girls and we headed home. Today I felt like avoiding all responsibilities so I told the girls we were going to the river.

We got home and I quickly blogged while they played their favorite game....pioneers/pilgrims. I love watching them play this game because I totally remember playing it when I was a kid. They dress up in all the pioneer bonnets and skirts that I have made throughout the years. They pack bags with various things and they wander around the yard. It makes me smile :) I have no idea what they actually say or do so I am not sure if it is authentic pioneer/pilgrim play :) When I was done blogging we quickly did the paper routes, ate lunch, and then we loaded the car and headed back up to our latest favorite river spot by the Knightville Dam. The girls wanted to wear their pioneer skirts to the river so I let them. But they wisely abandoned the very long skirts once we got there. They were so excited to be there and so was I.

I had brought my box of cherries and my book club book but I ended up wading around,watching the girls, and soaking up the beautiful day instead of reading about Zombies and eating cherries. It was a perfect afternoon. I have no idea why river, sunshine, trees and a breeze can make me feel content. I have lots of fabulous memories from my childhood of rivers, rocks, trees, sunshine, and wading. I sat there on the perfect rock with my feet in the cool water thinking about feeling content and what makes me feel that satisfied, comfortable feeling.....rivers, ocean, trees, mountains, early morning, sunshine, snow, rain, the moon, a curvy road, radio cranked loud, wind, ferry boat rides, airports, airplane rides, hammocks, a view, a bonfire, raking leaves, headphones that make the music surround you in loveliness, rollercoasters, apricots, asparagus, avocado, steak, hiking, connecting with someone, and traveling. Whew, did you have any idea that you knew someone who had a "things that make me content list"? I know pretty nerdy, eh?

I think a day playing in the river is what a perfect childhood is all about. It was so fun to listen to them exclaim over the fish they were trying to catch, make up games, act out stories that involved rocks and water, tell stories about seeing a long water snake in the grass, and laugh with each other. None of us wanted to leave but real life has a way of reaching out and grabbing you and insisting on some attention so I finally herded them back to the car at 4:00.

Today is beach day. I am meeting friends at Exit 5 on the Mass Pike at 8:45am and we are heading to Crane Beach for a much looked forward to day. I can not wait to dig my feet into the sand and feel content two days in a row :) I have to confess that deep inside I know that the content is not as deep and whole as I would like it to be. There are things missing that would make it perfection which is one step above content if you were not aware of that scale :) But I am perfectly happy to see content because he is definitely one step up from despair which is where I had been ......bless my heart.

The Courage to Face Afraid.

2011-08-02T07:55:00.004-04:00

When was the last time you were afraid? Why do we have to get afraid? I have been thinking about being afraid the last couple of days and with thinking about afraid always comes thinking about having courage. But that is getting way ahead of myself....which, I am afraid, I always do :) When I think about something I do not really understand I try to break it down into the simplest form possible. So I tried to think about things I was afraid of, times I was afraid, how I dealt with it, and then how I felt when it was all over. Whew....we have a lot to cover today this is going to be so fun.

I can declare with confidence that I am afraid of spiders. I have grown a little bit in this fear and I can now handle little spiders that have not a hint of hairy on them. But that is it :) I am very afraid of scary movies but I think you are supposed to be :) I get afraid if someone is following me up the stairs. I have no idea why but it makes me feel like running up the stairs to get away from them. I am extremely afraid of being misunderstood....this is one of my more healthy fears :) I used to be afraid to tell the truth because I did not want to hurt anyone but I have recently learned that I hurt them more by not telling the truth so I have reformed...so do not ask me if you look fat in that outfit :) I googled, "what we are afraid of" and of course there was a list of top ten things people are afraid of and of course I am going to tell you what they were.......

#1.Fear of flying
#2.public speaking
#3. heights
#4. dark
#5. intimacy
#6. death
#7.fear of failure
#8. rejection
#9. spiders
#10. committment

I was relieved to discover that only number 8 and number 9 apply to me and I am able to tell you I have recently survived both :) Not together :) I would be okay if a spider rejected me :) But rejection all by itself is a truly nasty thing....I think if I were getting a grade on how I am dealing with rejection I would get a C- and unfortunantly there is no makeup work available to bring that grade up :)

I used to be afraid of the dark .....I would run like crazy up the driveway after putting the garbage can out but then one day I stopped... looked around me, forced myself to stand there, and all of a sudden I noticed the brilliant stars, the fireflies and the silence and I have never run from the dark again.......okay, I confess, I do have a flipping sweet flashlight with me at all times if necessary :)

I used to be afraid of driving in the snow. But as I moved further east and was forced to drive in all sorts of snow I slowly gained confidence and after getting stuck a few times and figuring out how to get unstuck I realized it was not so bad and I am no longer afraid of it.

As I have faced my fears through the years I have come to realize that is the key. You have to face them. I feel so empowered when I face something I am afraid of and take a stand. It is never easy to do something hard. Especially when Mr Unknown is standing right behind the fear waiting to join the party. When you are afraid you feel fear, apprehensiveness, discouragement, reluctance, unhappiness, intimidated and send me a self addressed post card if you want more words....because there are plenty more synonyms to the word afraid :) I do not know about you but I am not longing for any of those words to be in my life anymore. The only way to get rid of them is to make some very hard decisions and then deal with what may come after. Nothing is easy. Yes, I have finally learned that :) But I would rather face the hard without any of those afraid synonyms around.

I have been taking baby steps towards some fears lately. I want to desperately have the "quality of mind and spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger and pain without fear".....that is what the dictionary tells me the definition of courage is...determination, resolution, tenacity,endurance, and fortitude... do those words not sound oh so luscious? You have to admire someone who knows what they need to do and they have the strength to do it....conviction...oh my so many words to understand and become...so little time :)

Strengths??

2011-07-30T00:12:00.006-04:00

So when I was in Utah someone gave me a gift. A book. And the front of the book says, Strengths Finder. In the back of a book is a special code that you have to use scissors to open. And then you go to a special website and enter your special code and you take this test so that you can find out what your strengths are. The test is timed. You have 177 questions and you have to answer each question within 20 seconds. Although I wonder what really happens if you happen to take 30 seconds...but I am too much of a rule follower to have ever found out. And that sentence pretty much tells you about my strengths :) JK

Seriously, the book declares it is a Wall Street Journal bestseller right on the front cover. I do happen to think the world of the Wall Street Journal so that impressed me. The inside cover talks about how our natural talents often go unused and how we spend more time fixing our shortcomings than developing our strengths. Honestly they had me at the words "secret code you have to enter :)

I was a little nervous about the test. What if I am not sure if I strongly disagree or strongly agree with a statement.....or what if....gasp....I just happen to be neutral? What if they word it in such a way that I have no idea what they are asking? Yeah, you get the idea....more of my adorable strengths hidden in this whole paragraph :) Anyway I just dove in headfirst and started the test. I think the book and test are geared more towards people who actually work. My friend who gave it to me works for Marriott and I think she said they all took the test at work :) But I think I did pretty well at pretending what I would do on the few work questions there were :) Some of the questions did leave me wondering if I would be a good employee? But enough of this let me tell you what I found out about me...since this blog gig is about me :)

Drumroll please.........here are my top five strengths according to this Gallup poll....I always wanted to use the word Gallup and poll together :)

The first one was communication.....duh.....I cracked up when I read this description because there is no doubt this is me.....check this out...." You like to explain, to describe, to host, to speak in public, and to write. You feel a need to bring ideas and events to life, to energize them to make them exciting and vivid." It says I like to hunt for the perfect phrase.....who me? And then it took another shot at me and said I am drawn towards dramatic words and powerful word combinations......crazy talk, I tell you :) It gives you all kinds of tips on how to make this strength stronger...don't worry I won't try a single tip the world does not need me to be any better at communicating than I already am...trust me :) But it did offer some tips for those of you that have to deal with communicating freaks like me and these tips made me smile, and smile...get this, it says to "discuss plans for your organizations social events with this person. She is likely to have good ideas both for entertainment and for what should be communicated at the event" HAHAHAHAHAHAHA yes, I am rolling on the floor and then I will get up and plan your event for you :) Another tip it gave you for working with me is to take time to hear about my life and experiences...I will enjoy telling you and apparently you will enjoy listening and guess what the frosting will be? "Our relationship will be closer because of it"....I know....hang on while I stop laughing. How did these people know me so well? It is creepy :)

My second strength was "Includer".......what? Yeah, apparently hanging out with me is good if you like to be included because I apparently can not resist the urge to include you. I want you to feel like part of the group. I am an "instinctively accepting person" WOW! I am not totally sure what to say about this one....my communicating strength is failing me. The book says that if you work with an includer like me you should use me to make sure that everyone is included...yep, that is what includers do :) And if that is not enough apparently I can help you think about potential customers, markets, or opportunities you are not reaching today.....as long as I can pick the hours I work for you and you can validate me over and over and over :) (I added that last part all by myself :) Seriously, this is SO making me smile :) Oh and the last thing you need to use me for is if you are not a natural in social settings you should stick like glue to me and I will make sure you are part of the conversation .....and I will do it with my eyes closed and one hand tied behind my back :)

My third strength was "restorative?" Hmmmm what is that? Gulp....it is someone who loves to solve problems. I honestly had never ever thought about this but when I read this one I realized they actually are right in a wierd twisted way I do "enjoy the challenge of analyzing symptoms, identifying what is wrong and finding the solution".....it just takes me hours and hours and hours and involves chocolate :) I enjoy bringing things back to life and I adore restoring something to it's true glory. You know I do enjoy doing that for people.....so strange. Okay, but here is the scoop...if you work with someone who is, oh so strong, at "restorative" like I am and this person meets a particuarly thorny problem you have to help them through it because they will define themselves by their ability to cope and they will feel personally defeated if the problem remains unresolved .....sigh....I do .....I am.....that is SO me. How did these people know me? Oh yeah, I answered one hundred and seventy seven questions for them and they have me figured out. Start getting your questions ready and you too could have me figured out :)

My fourth strength was....."input" yeah it looks all innocent just sitting there but this my friends is the part of me you hate. I am inquisitive. Whew....there I said it. And guess what? I, "collect information and my mind finds so many things interesting." All you really need to know about working with me is that I need to be in the know so you are supposed to pass on books, articles and papers you would like me to read :) Yeah......I know :) If you only knew how true this is. Yes, I am giving you permission to send me info-email...I truly adore it :)

My fifth and last strength is going to blow your mind.....get ready.....woo.....did you blink? Did you miss it? WOO.....yes, woo. What does woo mean? Apparently it stands for "winning others over." If this is your strength you enjoy the challenge of meeting new people and getting them to like you. If woo is one of your strengths you are, "rarely at a loss for words and you derive satisfaction from breaking the ice and making a connection." Now you know my secret and I am going to have to dump this strength like a hot potato :)

Despite all my jesting I do find it interesting to mull over their analysis of me and think about my strengths and how I can use them. There truly must be something amazing that comes with knowing what you are good at and learning how to use it......to help the Rebel Alliance and not the Stormtroopers :)

Pictures From My Utah Trip.

2011-07-29T10:31:00.015-04:00

Me and Alyson.

Me and Shannon

Me and Julie

Yes, we were extremely silly at the spot where newlyweds take pictures.

This stained glass in the Union Pacific railroad building was incredible.

Me and the bear in Park City

Shannon bought us all matching rings.

Shannon and I on the hike to the Living Room in the foothills of Salt Lake City

Awesome rock chair that I sat in.

Alyson and I on the chair lift

Me at the top of the mountain with my trusty sled.

The view of Park City from the top of the mountain

Kristy and Nate finishing the Alpine Coaster ride.....so flipping sweet.

Park City

2011-07-28T23:08:00.007-04:00

Well, I am back in Massachusetts sitting on my couch in my cozy flannel jammies staring off into space and thinking. I have so much to tell you. I need blank blogging rectangle after blank blogging rectangle to catch you up on all that has been happening. But I am going to take a deep breath and slow down and start by finishing telling you about my Utah trip.

So Tuesday morning my friends and I all headed to Park City. I have been there before but never without kids :) The morning was beautiful....mountains, blue sky.....all the necessities. We arrived on Main Street in Park City just in time to have breakfast at The Eating Establishment. Traveling with these friends of mine is all about eating. It always has been and always will be. We are on a constant quest for perfect food. The Eating Establishment was very close to perfect. I never thought I would be the type to use the words amazing and omlette together but I simply must. My omlette was amazing!

When we were done with our breakfast we started walking down Main Street and going in shops. Each store front was different. I loved all that there was for my senses to take in. I love wandering through shops and galleries. I saw so many paintings I longed to own. It always amazes me that there are people out there who can so perfectly capture the longings of life in a painting. I loved that when I came out of the shops I could look up and admire the extremely close mountains. We continued our trend of taking way too many silly pictures as we walked and shopped. We stopped and ate another amazing meal for late lunch at a restaurant on Main Street called Zoom.....we shared salads and appetizers.

It was about four in the afternoon and we decided it was time to head back to Salt Lake City but as we were driving down Main Street I spied something on the left that made me shriek.....a chair lift taking people up the mountain. I HAD to know about that. Everyone noticed that Jennifer had perked up and actually taken an interest in something so they stopped the car and let me get out. They all waited while I went to ask questions and gather information to my hearts content about the possibility of riding this chair lift. I was so happy to discover it was only $11.00. But I was so sad that the afternoon thunder clouds were gathering on the mountain. I was in for this adventure no matter the weather because I am unrealistic in every way. But I knew thunder clouds would not interest the friends. We ended up not being able to go due to rain and I was ever so sad but all my nice friends promised to come back the next day.

The next day was packed full. And it was my fault. Never invite me to your vacation :) I wanted to go on a hike and Alyson and Shannon signed up to go with me. We decided on a hike just above the University of Utah called The Living Room. It had some good reviews and I needed a view. We left the hotel at 7:30 am and got to the hike at about 8:15. The trail was not marked, at all, but I had brought some directions from an article I found on the computer and after a few minor turn arounds we were soon on our way up the canyon. It was a steady climb and when we finally found shade Alyson and Shannon sat and ate while I finished the hike on my own. I had to know what was at the end. When I got there I was so pleased with myself for finishing. The whole Salt Lake Valley was spread out before my eyes. The reason the hike is called The Living Room is because there is tons of big rocks laying around at the end of the hike that people use to make couches and chairs that you can sit in. I found the perfectly crafted rock chair and sat in it. I felt the breeze as I sat there thinking about oh so many things. There was not a soul there except me. You see, I keep searching for a view that will help me to understand what is wrong with me. So, there I sat, staring at an amazing view in Utah, once again asking myself all kinds of questions and searching for answers. I could not help but think how truly amazing the view would be at night with all the lights of the city. I got a few more insights into my quest to figure me out, I noticed where there had been a fire at some time, marveled at the green growth coming up from the burnt ground, and carefully chose a rock for my rock jar. And then hustled to catch up with Alyson and Shannon.

After we got back to the hotel I got out of hiking clothes quickly and Julie and I headed to the Conference Center for a tour. Julie has never been there before. The building is so inspiring. I could spend hours admiring all the art inside and the views from the roof. But we still had to fit Park City, the Distribution Center and the Desert Bookstore into our day :)

Finally, three o'clock in the afternoon found Kristy, Jennifer, Julie, Alyson and Kristy's son Nate heading back up to Park City. I was so looking forward to my ride on the chair lift. When we got there we decided to do the alpine slide and the alpine coaster. Which meant slow chair lift ride and then speed :) All my dreams were coming true. So for $25.00 we got three fun things. I felt pretty blessed :)

First, was the slide. You get to ride the chair lift up. I have never been on a chair lift before. It looked very dreamy. All of us fit on one chair lift. As we were heading up you could see wildlife below. There were these enormous prairie dog looking things that were everywhere. One was even resting his paws on the edge of the slide looking at it expectantly....so cute. It was so peaceful, and slow, and beautiful. When we got to the top we grabbed our sleds for our ride down the slide and got in line. The wait was not too long and I chose a fast track for the way down. Julie was in the track next to me and I am sad to report she beat me down the mountain. You have a brake and you can control how fast you go. I thought several times that I was winning but I didn't. It was super fun. I loved how later on I saw an employee of Park City coming down on a sled with his weed eater with him. Would that not be a great perk to your weed eating job at Park City? :)

After the Alpine Sled it was Alpine Coaster time. The Alpine Coaster is single little cars that you sit in. When you get in the coaster pulls you and your little car all the way up the mountain, it takes about 6 or 7 minutes to get to the top. You are all by yourself, seat belted into this car, it is quiet, and you are admiring the scenery as you are being pulled up the mountain. When you get to the top you put your hands on these two levers on the side that control your speed. The further forward you push them the faster you go, when you pull back you slow down.

When I was waiting in line for the coaster this guy came off the ride and confidently declared loudly to all of us, "push those levers all the way down and never brake there is no other way" so I did just that and it was so thrilling. You are in this car, basically all alone on the track (since they try to keep a huge distance between you and the person in front of you) it is so quiet except for the part where you are screaming your guts out. It went so fast. I LOVED it. There were tons of corners to bank on. It was beautiful and exhilarating. I wanted to go again the minute I got off. But there were the small details of time and money so I had to face reality and be content with once. I am so grateful to my kind friends who indulged me way too much in Park City.

I will post the rest of my pictures on a blog by themselves in the morning and I put a ton of them on Facebook too.

It truly was a fun trip. I am so grateful for timeless friends who continue to be oh so patient with me and loving to me as there is not much else they can do as I attempt to figure things out on my own. It was a sorely needed break. Now I am home for a week and then heading off to Oregon to get pampered by my parents. Another needed break. I told my dad as long as he cooks me steak for every meal I will listen quietly to all his lectures he is readying for me :) So Saturday I am off on my alone hike and next week is beach. And I need to tell you about Tatiana's trip to Oregon and Madeline's mission call and oh so much more. I guess we are destined to be best friends :)

Monday In Utah.

2011-07-26T20:06:00.005-04:00

I need this to be perfect...... Oh, so much to tell you....... I am truly bursting........ Where do I start? This is a bloggers dream come true. Usually I spend a little bit of time wondering what to say but let me tell you... no wondering happening here.... no famine of words....so much to tell you about I am bursting.

Let me see if I can limit myself to some highlights from Monday and then you can sit on pins and needles wondering and waiting for Tuesday highlights :)

I took my first taxi ride.

We ate at Red Iguana.

We took way to many silly pictures on Temple Square. Yes, I will post those when I get home.

We stayed the night in the downtown Marriott.....view of the temple, anyone? When I woke up I greatly resisted the urge to throw those heavy hotel curtains wide open so I could lay there and stare at the view....since my friends were still sleeping :)

We considered buying some Katy Perry concert tickets on a whim

We shopped at the beautiful outdoor Gateway Mall.....it is down by the Union Pacific building in Salt Lake City. It was so amazingly beautiful. Shopping and enjoying nature at the same time......pretty sweet :)

I wore sunglasses all day.....I have never owned or worn sunglasses in my life but sometimes friends can prompt you to try things you normally would not. And then when you try that thing that you normally would not try and everyone ooohhhs and ahhhhs and gives you validation and praise how can you not think you are a movie star when you wear sunglasses and promptly wear them religiously? :) Yes, I will post pictures when I get home. I had no idea that sunglasses on top of my head could make me feel so glamorous.

Oh, and speaking of trying new things these friends of mine insisted that I put on a necklace that one of them bought and wear it for awhile. I am not about bling and accessories in anyway and felt very self conscious. For some reason people can not resist the urge to play barbie with me :) I attempted to resist but resistance was futile so I wore the necklace.

Laying on the beds in the hotel room chatting and chatting.

It truly is an amazing thing to have oh so many years have gone by and be able to pick up where we left off and have these lasting friendships. It has been good for me to get away and attempt to find perspective. I am not sure if it is working but I think my friends have been patient with a much more subdued Jennifer that they are used too. Today we went to Park City and I can hardly wait to tell you about that. And tomorrow is a hike called the Living Room.....yes, we have to know why. And I hope that I have talked everyone into taking the chair lift up the ski slopes for tomorrow too....hello.... spectacular view....who could not resist that? :)

Thunderstorms and Fireworks.....Lucky Me :)

2011-07-24T23:21:00.003-04:00

When was the last time you went on a airplane? The last time I went on a airplane was March of 2009. I love every single thing about flying. Yes, even the quart size ziploc bag with my Carmex in it. Yes, even the security line....good people watching. Yes, even getting to the airport way too early. Yes, even getting to Dulles and the captain of your flight deciding the plane is not fit to fly and so your 6:00 flight leaves at 8:30 instead. No worries, I got comfortable and chatted for those hours with three ladies from Utah, Pennsylvania, and Virginia and even the captain of our flight sat with us and chatted for an hour. Fascinating conversation. You have no idea how many questions I had always wanted to ask a airplane captain. The lady from Utah was on her way back from the Ukraine where she has been trying to adopt three kids. The lady from Virginia was on her way to comfort her sister who has been diagnosed with agressive cancer and does not have long to live. The lady from Pennsylvania was going to see her son and grand kids. We talked about oh so many things. How one of them had a neighbor who was on Survivor. How one of them had a husband in the Army. How the pilot had been in the Airforce for 30 years and his wife just divorced him 4 years ago. It was so strange to think by the end of three hours we knew so much about each other and yet would most likely never see each other again.

The wait for the flight was actually completely and utterly worth it. We flew by a wicked thunder storm with amazing lightning in the Midwest. I had no idea that seeing that from an airplane could be so mesmerizing. Sadly, we went by it so fast I did not feel satisfied and need to see another thunderstorm from an airplane. Then when we were descending into Salt Lake City I kept seeing something and wondered what it was and as I started focusing I realized it was FIREWORKS!! I had always wanted to see fireworks from the sky and it happened to be 24th of July celebrations in Utah and there were firework shows everywhere. It was so incredible. I now know it was a good thing to have longed to see that my whole entire life. And now I need to figure out how to get on an airplane when fireworks are happening way more often than I have in the past. Seriously thunderstorm and fireworks in the same flight. Who could get so lucky?

Oh, and I almost forgot.... I got to sit by a flight stewardess on my flight from Hartford to Dulles and she answered questions to my hearts content. I fear I may secretly long to be a flight stewardess. Would that not be so fun?

Then today after all my epic fun at airports and on airplanes I spent the day in the car driving up and down the Wasatch Front. I forgot how amazing mountains are. My ancestors pushed handcarts over these mountains. And this weekend is the weekend that the first Mormon pioneers arrived in the Salt Lake Valley in 1847. I could not help but think about them today as I watched the sun come over those amazing, solid, strong mountains. The sacrifices they made. The trails they faced. The things they gave up. It gave me a lot to think about.

I have tons more to tell you but it is late in Utah and I am ever so tired.

Julie, Kristy, Shannon, Kathy, and Alyson.

2011-07-22T22:53:00.004-04:00

"Tomorrow, tomorrow I love ya tomorrow you are only a day away " Do you have friends? Tomorrow I am going to see four friends that I have not seen in a very, very long time. This is epic...this is Sisterhood of The Traveling Pants...this is Divine Secrets of the Ya Ya Sisterhood....this is well.....this is ....well I guess this is the stuff movies are made of :)

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away....(Lawrence, Kansas) there were six girls who watched Survivor together every Thursday night. They ate luscious treats like stuffed mushrooms, artichoke dip, and won tons. They talked, and talked, and talked. They laughed until they wet their pants. They bonded in an epic way. Life moved on and some of them moved out of Lawrence some of them stayed in Lawrence all kinds of life happened to all of them. But strangely they always knew each other was there. When I have been hit with the hugest trial of my life (ahem.....the kind of trial you bring on yourself...the best kind :) I knew I could reach out across the years and the miles and confess and overshare to my hearts content and these girls would always love me no matter what. And even better they never misunderstand me. They love that I hate to leave things unresolved. They love that I am obsessive. They adore that I can not let go of anything. They....hmmm I better stop while I am ahead :) They could very easily comment on this blog and then you would know the truth :)

So the whole point is these girls are all meeting in Utah this very month. I am flying to Utah tomorrow. And Monday our epic fun begins. It has been oh so long since we have been together. We are eternally sad that one of our members of our possee can not come join our fun. We are going to eat amazing food. We are going to hike. We are going to Park City. We are shopping. We are solving all our problems. We are taking tons of pictures.

Before the fun starts with the girlfriends I am going to be getting my bum right off the airplane and procuring a rental car and going to pick up my oldest child Zach and his new, awesome friend that happens to be a girl and driving them back down to Provo to BYU so we can visit. I am dropping them off and then I am turning right around and heading back to Salt Lake City to stay with my dear friend Kristy. I can hardly wait to see her. And I confess the view of the lights of the city from around where she lives is pretty flippin sweet. I do love views and lights together.

Sunday morning I am getting up early and having breakfast at a friend's house. A most dear friend from Indiana who now lives in Utah. After breakfast I am going to church with my dear brother Jeff. Jeff and I talk maybe twice a year but we always love each other the most. Uncle Jeff is the most amazing cook ever so I am hanging with him until I am well fed.

I am really looking forward to my airplane ride. I love airports. I love traveling. I have no idea why it makes me have such longing. I always look around at all the people waiting for the plane and wonder about their lives. Where they are going? Where they came from? If they are happy? What they have decided about me? The only thing that would make it all complete is someone to tell all the details too :) I guess that is going to have to be my little old blogging rectangle.....lucky you :) So stay tuned for pictures and fascinating commentary :) You love that :)

A Dam, A Lake, and A River.

2011-07-19T16:02:00.005-04:00

Today Natalie and I went exploring. More and more I am marveling at the fact that in ten minutes Natalie and I can be on the road to anywhere our little hearts desire. I have realized that the numb, heavy, sad feeling I constantly have seems to raise it's feeble head and appreciate a view so I am trying to put my little resigned bum in the car once a day and go somewhere. Yesterday was the library but today we grabbed cherries, goldfish and waterbottles and headed north up Route 20. There were a few places I had always seen signs for and wondered about but never actually checked out. The drive up Route 20 is a treat in itself. You really should come visit me so you can see for yourself how beautiful it is. The road follows the Westfield River. I pass the most picturesque cemetery on the left hand side of the road right before I reach Huntington. I cross a bridge. I see lots of white New England church spires.

Our first stop was Littleville Lake. There were 4 cars in the parking lot. We could see some kayakers out on the lake so we grabbed our cherries and headed towards the water to see what it was like. The views were amazing. Water....trees....warm lazy sunshine....there was a couple having a picnic up on the grass, there was a little old lady sitting in a chair at the water's edge and a grandpa and his granddaughter fishing. There was no swimming allowed at this spot and the water did look a little questionable near the shore. I do not usually notice those kinds of things. There was not really a beach but Natalie and I still tried to explore a little. It did not take too long to quench our curiosity about Littleville Lake. There are pros and cons to everywhere you go. If I had a canoe, kayak, book, or chair in any combination I would definitely go back in a minute. Yes, I am sure I could figure out how to read and kayak :)

Once we got back in the car we headed towards Knightville Dam. I have seen the sign for Knightville Dam oh so many times and longed to see what it was. This was so exciting to feel so free to do what ever I wanted. I did not have to get anyone's approval. And no one was trying to talk me out of it. So sublime.

We drove up to the dam, parked the car, and walked out onto the dam with our bag of cherries. (yes, the cherries never want to wait in the car) There was not a soul in sight. It was quiet. No water on either side of the dam which made me have all sorts of questions that there was no one around to ask. Again the scenery was well worth it. Everything is just so pretty and calm. After walking for awhile in the hot sunshine along the not so shady dam Natalie and I decided we needed to go somewhere where we could actually touch water so on road down from the dam we stopped by the river and decided to check it out. We found a most perfect spot. Rocks were arranged in the river in such a way to form little pools (yes, I wondered how that had happened way too much) and then there were spots where the water was flowing. We took off our shoes and socks and I rolled up my sweats and we walked around in the most refreshing water. Natalie was determined to catch a fish to have for a pet so she set to work on that project. I just sat on a big rock, admired the world, and ate cherries. Yeah, you can retrace our steps by following the cherry stems and pits we left all over the Berkshires today :) We wanted to stay forever but clearly that did not work out. But Natalie made me promise we would go back tomorrow with water shoes and towels.

Thought It Would Be Random But, Alas, It Was Not :)

2011-07-16T21:35:00.005-04:00

So todays blog is random. Did you know that not every blog has to have a single, lonely subject..........oh my....did I just say that out loud? I know breaking out of the box is so happening for Jennifer :)

One of my favorite kids books is a book titled Serendipity. I love the word and I adore the concept. A word that means the same as serendipity is happenstance.....another pretty sweet word. Serendipity means an aptitude for making desirable discoveries by accident.....oh dear, I see that look on your face.....I see your eyebrows making that shape....here let me give you some examples of Serendipity so that you can understand and then it can become your favorite word too....I am okay with sharing my favorite word with you :)

#1. Serendipity is driving 2 hours to an important appointment in Nashua, New Hampshire and discovering there is a Five Guys practically next door to the appointment :)

#2. Serendipity is getting behind someone driving slow thus making it so you can safely put on your eyeliner while driving :)

#3. Serendipity is going to a parade in Suffield thinking it will just be firetrucks (which are cool...do not get me wrong) but actually it turns out there is incredibly, awesome bagpipes in the parade too :)

#4. Serendipity is opening a package of fruit snacks fully expecting at least 2 of the purple ones that you hate and discovering there is actually no purple ones in that bag and realizing the fruit snack gods love you :)

#5. Serendipity is needing something, not knowing what it is, opening the fridge and with delight discovering exactly 1 cup of Dr Pepper left in the bottle.

#6. Serendipity is thinking about really needing a genuine smile and all of a sudden noticing you are, at that very moment, driving by a place where you remember getting a pretty awesome oh so genuine smile and that is good enough to make you smile :)

#7. Serendipity is expecting to get scolded, since that is all you have been getting lately, and instead getting praise.....okay, it was from the 8 year old but hey, I am ever so grateful :)

#8. Serendipity is needing something at the store, not wanting to go get it and the teenager, who can drive. sauntering in and asking if she can go to the store :)

#9. Serendipity is thinking the magnetic words carefully placed on your door to your garage would be all messed up by now and it turns out they have stayed the same for oh so many weeks.

#10. Serendipity is not wanting to mop the floor and someone spilling something that makes it so you have to mop it :)

So, do you get the idea? I could make a nice serendipity list everyday.....but I won't :) Ruh Roh I just re-read my blog and guess what? It does have a single subject. Drat...once in the box always in the box :)

So next week starts some serious adventures for Jennifer so remember to check back often. I am flying to Utah to visit old friends. I am flying to see my parents in Oregon after not being home for at least 5 years. I am going to the beach. I am going on my alone hike. Miriam is coming home from college. I have book club. Madeline's mission papers are in. Natalie and I are going to Exit 2. And who knows I may even get up the strength to fix dinner...and blog about it....in a most riveting way :)

Can I Do It?

2011-07-15T09:13:00.005-04:00

Once upon a time there was this girl named Jennifer. Jennifer loved to go on hikes. I mean really loved to go on hikes. She loved to invite lots of people to go with her whenever she went on a hike because she had this annoying need to share. One day, a few years ago, she read about a hike that had many promises of amazing views. She needed to see for herself. She gathered friends and they went to hike this hike and find the aforementioned view. Alas, Jennifer took the wrong trail to the view, frustrated almost everyone who went with her. and never found the view she was looking for. She hated letting people down. She hated not finishing. The not seen view has haunted her at least once a week ever since her failure. She kept trying to figure out a way to get back to this hike and finish what she started but,ever so sadly, it never worked out. The hard part now is that over time more and more symbolism had crept in and associated itself with this hike now not only did she need to see that view but that she needed to go alone. WHAT? Did Jennifer know what alone meant? The words Jennifer and alone NEVER, EVER go together. Can she do it? Well, she thinks she can. Is she afraid of alone? Yeah, truthfully she is. She wants to be safe but she needs to do this hike alone for way too many reasons. She needs to face silence. She needs to be able to just make herself happy and not spend the entire hike trying to make sure everyone else is happy. She has been doing that during her entire hike through life. She needs to get to the view by herself. So Jennifer is:

Staring at her calendar for next week
Staring at her map
Writing her will in case a bear eats her, or she gets lost on her way to the view
Making a list of weapons she could carry :)
Determining the time of day to go.
Sunrise or Sunset? (A very symbolic choice to be made.)

She is excited for this adventure. She is positive there are blueberries once you get to the view. She is pretty sure other people have done this alone and been oh so fine. She needs to do something hard and prove to herself that she can. Jennifer's vegetable garden in her backyard is very overgrown for the first time ever. Jennifer has not made dinner in ages. Jennifer thinks she needs to talk, and talk, and talk to solve problems but maybe all she needs is to get to a view all alone. So wish Jennifer luck as she reads everything she possibly can about the Alander Mountain hike. As she possibly disobeys. As she finds her courage to do something that involves silence. And look forward to her report of her hike alone.....I wonder what Jennifer talks to herself about on the hike? :) Someone once told me that alone and lonely are two different things.....I wonder ? :) Can a mother of seven, someone who was voted Most Friendliest in her senior class way back in 1986, a winner of a gold medal in question asking, a winner of a bronze in reaching out to others do something alone?

Stockbridge, Massachusetts

2011-07-14T20:42:00.006-04:00

Today I did what I wish I could do three days a week....(What? A girl needs to be home to get laundry done :) I had an adventure.

It started when I woke up to an amazingly beautiful day....sparkly sunshine.....white clouds.....yes, puffy ones :) brilliant green trees and a endless blue sky. Not to hot, not to cold, perfect temperature with a hint of wind. I picked up a dear friend and we headed to the Massachusetts Pike AKA I-90. And we headed west towards Exit 2. It always makes me eternally happy to head towards Exit 2. It is 30 miles from Exit three, where I live, to Exit 2. Why all the talk about Exit 2? Let me tell you there is so much to do off of Exit 2....(yes, I just used the word exit 6 times....but I think you will forgive me :)I feel so sad that I have barely scratched the surface of what is there to see:

Norman Rockwell Museum

Mt. Greylock

Tanglewood (summer home to the Boston Pops)

the Clark Art Institute in Williamstown (that has an exhibit right now that I MUST see)

Edith Wharton's home and gardens

quaint towns with fascinating shopping

countless hikes

countless museums

and this list has barely scratched the surface of all the possibilities in Berkshire County.

But before I burst I better focus because today was only about Stockbridge, Massachusetts. Stockbridge is a very quaint New England town. A huge tourist destination....especially in the Fall. Norman Rockwell used its residents and main street in many of his paintings....so that should tell you loads. We arrived in the town at about 11:00 and parked in the very first parking spot we came too. I really like to do that :) We got out and started walking. Lots of fun shops to look in. I found a picture in a gallery that I simply must have. It was taken in the area and it was rolling hills with perfect clouds. It was very big and I just need to find $1,500 dollars laying around so I can own it. In this gallery there were so many amazing pictures of scenery from the area...oh, and there was an enormous friendly St.Bernard that became my new best friend.

I rarely buy in the shops but I really could browse all day I do love to know my options in case buying ever crosses my mind someday in the future. The only purchase I made today was a pink rubber ball that fits in my hand, smells amazing, and promised to bounce amazingly high. It was a $1.59. I have already bounced it up and down my driveway, against the garage door, and sniffed it's awesome rubbery smell, and am very pleased with my purchase. I just have to hide it from my kids.

One of the most important parts of the trip to Stockbridge is The Red Lion Inn. If you are ever sitting around at your boring old house wondering what to do for lunch you should grab a friend...or not.... and go eat at the Red Lion Inn. The Red Lion Inn is one of the few American Inns in continuous use since the 18th century. It has 108 individually decorated rooms. I would love to catch a glimpse of them all :) The history of the Inn is amazing and way too lengthy to entertain you with here. But you could google it if you need to know. Which I bet you just do not know that you need to know :)

Usually when I go to the Red Lion Inn I just wander around and admire it on the outside and the inside. But today we actually ate there. I have thought long and hard about how to describe the lunch I had to you and I have come to the conclusion that the deliciousness of the food can only be conveyed with yummy noises, lifted eyebrows, and eyes. I had steak, spinach, and the most luscious onion rings ever. I wish I could share with you so that you could know exactly how they were so you could feel the same happiness I felt. That is why I can never go anywhere alone....how can you not share the joy? We sat at a table outside under a umbrella. It truly was perfect. We took our time and savored every minute.

Something I always marvel at everytime I see the Red Lion Inn is their huge front porch full of wicker furniture. All sorts and sizes. I meant to sit for awhile and people watch but got distracted. We went into the gift shop in the Inn but I did not last too long in the shopping area I heard piano music coming from somewhere and had to know. So I left my friend and wandered out and found the piano. An old man, a guest of the inn, was sitting at the piano with no sheet music in sight playing song after song by memory. I hid around the corner and watched him for about 10 minutes. I wonder what his story was and how he learned all those songs. Several cute little old ladies walked by him and swooned :) It was so sweet. He played so well. I could have listened forever. A huge cat walked by chased by an elderly guest intent on asking the cat how his day was. A funny, fast moving, and not overly observant, chatty lady walked by and asked if I was the piano players wife....I smiled demurely :) What could I say? :) A picture of George Washington peered at me from the wall. It was an indelible moment.

We did a little more window shopping but sadly our real lives reached out and grabbed us and we had to head for home.

But I resolved that I will go to Exit 2 once a week for the rest of the summer and explore something new. It felt so good to have an adventure. To feel the sunshine and be distracted. To be with a great friend who knows way too much about me and yet, still loves me was the frosting on the day!

I See The Moon The Moon Sees Me.

2011-07-13T23:45:00.009-04:00

I am one of those people that has a small-ish obsession with the moon. I remember as a kid driving in the car at night and pressing my face up against the window of the car and marveling that the moon seemed to be following me as I watched it.

I remember sitting on a beach on Washington state marveling at a full moon out over the water.

I could never forget a full moon plus fireworks on a beach in Oregon.

When our kids were little the only way to do a visit to Utah from Kansas and preserve the hubby's sanity was to drive all night and I always got the midnight to morning shift. I love that shift. Everyone is settled and asleep. I put on my favorite music and drive. I will never forget driving over the mountains in Wyoming and Utah with a full moon soaring along with me. Lighting up the oh so empty land and filling me with such longing.

Driving a convertible on a cold night with the top down and a full moon in the sky.

Yeah, I fear I am the biggest fan of the moon that there ever was. Full moons are pretty sensational but I can even see the beauty in just a sliver of a moon too.

A long time ago, when I was oh so little, I learned the song I See The Moon. I grew up hearing my parents sing this song and I, in turn, sang it to my kids. It was one of the memories my son Zach wrote about me once. It surprised me to know it had had an impact on him. In all my travels I had never found anyone else who had ever heard this song until within the last year. I was oh so delighted when I discovered others that knew of this song.

Tonight the moon happens to be full and oh so brilliant and as always I sang the moon song in my head as I was looking at it. For some reason this time I decided to research and figure out, once and for all, the mystery of this song. The words I remember and always sang are:

"I see the moon the moon sees me under the old, the old oak tree. Oh the moon that shines above, shine on the one I love"

So I put Google to the test and once again it came through for me in epic fashion. I truly doubted what typing, "I see the moon the moon sees me" into the search bar would produce.

The first search result was a recording on Youtube of the song by a group from Britian called the Stargazers. It was a little hokey but oh so sweet. It was a number one hit in 1954. I was pleased that some of the words were similar to the ones I knew, and sang, and thrilled to discover that there were more words. You know how that memory thing from when you were a kid goes :)

After the Stargazers rendition of the moon song I clicked on another Youtube link to a rendition of the moon song by Jim Brickman. The song was utterly beautiful but the words were just a constant repeat of a few sentences and it did not feel like home to me. But the music was haunting and I definitely liked it....just no loving it :)

After that I went a little crazy and listened to every rendition of the moon song I could find. I read discussions on the lyrics. Of which there was really no consensus on. And had a general jolly time exploring and learning.

I posted one of my favorite renditions of the song on this blog for you to hear. Let me know what you think :) The I see the moon song is embedded in another song and performed by Chris Rice. I see the moon is a very basic simple song but I loved how it was woven into this song :)

Adoring Movies.

2011-07-12T22:55:00.003-04:00

Do you love going to the movie? I forgot that I adore it. I had not been to a movie in quite awhile but tonight I finally convinced myself that I really needed to venture out of the house and I went with three friends to see Larry Crowne. It was exactly what I had been needing....Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts facing some hard changes in their lives head on...overcoming the fear of change and learning new things about themselves.

I love to be surrounded by the dark. I love to be immersed in the world on the screen. I love that there is a soundtrack to the movie. I need to get me a soundtrack for my life. I need music for when I am staring at the amazing full moon that is following me home. I need music for when I am folding laundry. I need music for when I am driving in my car really fast with my music loud......yeah, I know :) I need music for when my family is all around me talking and I am not listening. I need music playing in the background when I am gardening. Yeah, I love soundtracks. I can not tell you how many times I have seen a movie and gone and purchased the music immediately...Mama Mia....Spirit.....The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe, etc. If you go to the movie with me be mentally prepared for the fact that I usually want to stay after and watch the credits so that I can see who sang a certain song that I am pretty sure is my new favorite song. That happened tonight by the way. And everyone graciously waited and helped me look for the song and performer. And of course now that I am home, I remember the performer and not the name of the song :)

I think movies may have ruined my life. I have some notion that everything can be solved in 156 minutes, involves music, amazing scenery, and always ends happy :) I remember ever so vividly the first movie I ever saw that did not end the way I thought it should and that was Rainman, I felt so discouraged. I think I have matured a little bit and one of my most favorite movies, Spanglish, does not end the way I think it should and I still love it. If you have seen Spanglish then you will possibly argue that I am not mature in anyway because a mature person would want Spanglish to end exactly the way it does :) Yes, now you have to go put Spanglish on your Netflix queue so you can figure out what I am talking about :)

I feel like it was money well spent if I walk away from a movie still feeling like I am in that world. I am trying to remember when the last time was I felt that way. I felt it a little bit with Larry Crowne. I felt connected to the characters and involved in their lives and that is usually a good
sign. But it was not epic....like the way I felt after watching The Titanic :)

Why do we love movies so? I know when the movie is over and the lights go up I always find myself thinking or even.....gasp.... saying out loud....."Well back to real life." That is probably why we love them so much... we can escape. I confess that I felt the urge to stay in the theater last night and watch movie after movie. I have never felt that way before. Thankfully, my friends are realists and did not even indulge me when I mentioned I wanted to do that. Sigh...they are good friends :)

I love the joy that comes from noticing little details in a movie that speak volumes about a character. The way they put on their shoes. The way they shop. You can often see who they are so clearly. I do not know why it endears me to them so. I also dearly love noticing the symbolism in a movie....that, by the way, is everywhere, it always makes me smile.

Wednesday is free movie day at the movie theater and at 10am they have a free showing of a kid movie. So Natalie and I are going to go see Diary of A Wimpy Kid. I wonder if I will feel like I have escaped when I watch a movie about middle school? :) Probably not :)

Do You Smell That?

2011-07-11T20:46:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking about smells lately. How they can instantly flood my mind with so many memories.

When we got our 3 cubic yards of pine mulch delivered a couple weeks ago and it was sitting there in the warm sun and I smelled it and I was so happy. One deep whiff of pine mulch and all of a sudden I was sitting somewhere in a pine forest with my favorite person in the world talking about life. Yeah, one sniff of pine mulch did that to me. Pretty powerful stuff :)

Later that same day I smelled a campfire as I was delivering newspapers with the kids and I realized that a day with the smell of pine mulch and campfire both in it was going to definitely do me in. Those are two of my favorite smells and when someone who never has been, and never will be a realist smells their two favorite smells in the same day....nothing good can ever come from it. Campfire smell....sigh....this one has some oh so happy memories...followed closely by some oh so sad memories. But no matter how painful the memories that campfire smell makes me remember I will never, ever hate it as long as I live :)

I have been noticing smells lately and taking note of which ones make me feel content and what they make me think of. It seems like my life has been so fast and busy that I have not taken time to....smell? :) Strange the things you think of when you have the time :)

As I planted my tomato plants this year that warm tomato plant smell flooded my mind with memories. But warm is the key... cold tomato plant = no smell, warm tomato plant = summer :)

When I went strawberry picking with Tatiana and Natalie in early June and I was crawling down the rows of strawberries deeply breathing in the lusciousness of straw and strawberries. I was immediately transported (yes, can you handle a Star Trek word here? :) back to those summers between my years of high school when I would pick strawberries and make barely $100.00 a summer yet, have the time of my life with my friends. I love strawberry smell.

Today while I was driving Natalie on the paper route we drove into a driveway that had just recently been black topped and Natalie got out of the car to deliver the paper and when she got back into the car we both grinned at each other and declared "that is a great smell." But this is another smell that is simply the best warm.

And while I was sitting here blogging about smells my Madeline walked by with a king size Sharpie marker with the cap off and handed it to me and I did breathe....deeply.....so bad...but fabulous smell that reminds me of moving....you know writing on the moving boxes :)

Tires

Diesel

New Shoes

Leather jacket

Freshly cut grass

Roast in the crockpot on Sunday when you come home from church

All of a sudden I feel like we should be singing about it to the tune of My Favorite Things..... so channel Maria Von Trapp and sing with me.....

Black snow tires and diesel with tractors.

New shoes in boxes and leather jackets on best friends.

Freshly cut grass that melts into spring. Roast in the crockpot's a favorite thing.

So, I did some googling and some reading and smell really can bring back memories, it can influence your mood, and even affect your work performance. When you first smell something you link it to an event, a person, a thing, or even a moment. Your brain forges a link. Your emotional brain and your smell receptors are neighbors in your brain they are linked more closely than any of the other senses, they did not invite the other senses to live in the neighborhood at all. But being such close neighbors does not really do a ton of good. I mean you can't smell a chocolate cake while you are studying for a test and then bring that chocolate cake smell with you and expect it to help you remember what you studied. The memory recall you get with a smell is an unconscious one. DRAT :)

There are some smells that I hope I get to smell again someday. Smells that I know will make me feel like I have come home...unconsciously :)

Submit.

2011-07-10T17:04:00.004-04:00

When was the last time you deferred to another's judgement, opinion, or decision? What about giving or yielding yourself to the power or authority of another? Relinquish much? Surrender much? Yeah, I am spending my Sunday afternoon lying on Miriam's bed thinking about the incredibly frustrating word submit. How did you ever guess? :) The word came up so much in church today that I simply could not ignore it.

When was the last time you did some good, old fashioned, submitting? I confess I am not overly fond of the word. It ruins all my plans. It means that I give something up that I really want because it is the right thing to do.....yeah, definitely loads of fun. The interesting thing about submit is that one of it's synonyms is the word volunteer. So you can't tell people you have done the submitting thing before if you gave something up because someone made you give it up, or they bullied you to give it up, or if they gave you guilt to give it up, or if they used Jedi mind tricks on you to get you to give it up.......if you are currently involved in submitting it is because you have been mature enough to decide to give it up something all on your own. It may only be giving up for awhile or it may be giving up forever but I am pretty sure it is some hard core sacrificing.

When was the last time you volunteered to do something you did not want to do for someone or a situation? I know, I know, it is pretty heavy. I have not met many people in my life that I would volunteer to do anything for.....let alone submit. I fear it has to be a pretty awesome relationship for that to happen. I mean I would not just submit my will to the person scanning my groceries in the grocery store. Or the person trying to convince me to let their little car into the space in front of me on the streets of Westfield. Or the mail lady ( who always mixes everyone's mail up...who would submit to that?) I think there are about two people in my life who if they asked me to do something hard I would bite my lower lip to stop it from quivering and buck up and do it. I have come to recognize lately that I have an enormous amount of will that I must sheepishly admit has rarely had to submit.(Hey, admit and submit...look at me rhyme:)

I think the time has come for 42 year old Jennifer to go back to school and the first class I am registering for will be Submitting 101. Guess what the antonym of submit is? Yeah,...... fight. I wonder if the class will teach me where the moderation is between submitting and fighting? When do you submit and when do you fight? How do you ever decide?

Submitting is easier if you have perspective which I have discovered I often do not have. Submitting means forgetting your own needs which I am not so good at it. But there are some amazing blessing promised to us if we learn how to submit. Now I must clarify that I am not thinking of submitting to the will of everyone around me. So do not come to me looking for my checkbook or my calendar. I am talking about figuring out what Heavenly Father wants me to do and submitting to his will. Remember I only have that awesome sort of submit realtionship with those two actual people and the other is Heavenly Father.

So everyone cross their fingers that my first venture into submitting land goes well and now I am off to see if I can get Natalie to submit to watching something other than Alpha and Omega with me :)

PS. Someone should seriously count how many times I used the words submit and submitting in this blog and graph the results.....goodness gracious can I do anything in an un-epic way?? :) Ahem, do not answer that :)

Pictures To Go With the Words In The Next Blog :)

2011-07-09T17:48:00.009-04:00

Tatiana and Natalie in front of the Palmyra temple.

Aunt Rachel and Aunt Jennifer and Max and Eli.

The field behind the Palmyra temple....pretty amazing huh? :)

The picture Natalie wants you to see :)

Sitting on the tippy top of Hill Cumorah looking down towards the seating for the pageant.....pretty sweet view :)

Palmyra And Perspective.

2011-07-09T15:45:00.003-04:00

So this Friday was a trip that has been on my little old calendar for quite awhile. When I planned this trip and carefully filled in the calendar square with the words Palmyra/Hill Cumorah Pageant I really had no idea how changed my life would be by this innocent looking date. So strange how you plan something in one universe and then when it finally happens you happen to be in another universe. Lots of things made this trip unlike any I have ever taken before and I found myself wondering if my future adventures will look more like this one did. The face of my family and vacations seems to be morphing.

Last time we were in Palmyra was two years ago. At that time we loaded up our fifteen passenger van with our kids and some of our kids friends and headed up to see the Hill Cumorah Pageant, to see the Mormon church history sights, and meet my sister Rachel, hubby,and their 6 kids. This time I loaded my, oh so small, trusty Subaru with Tatiana, Natalie, and myself and took the trip on my own. I love to drive long distances. I have noticed lately that I have a tendency to want to doze off when driving and that makes me slightly nervous but I still love to drive.

The drive to Palmyra is 5 hours for us. In order to fit everything in to this, way too short, weekend we left at 5 in the morning on Friday. When we left our garage at 5 am the sky was showing us some very amazing lightning. We headed west on the Massachusetts Turnpike towards New York State. The first part of the trip is my favorite part because we get to drive through the Berkshires, Albany, and then alongside the Erie Canal. It is all so beautiful. The second half of the trip is not too shabby but just not as noteable, in my mind, as the first half is.

We had been to the library to get books on tape for the trip and we chose way too many....like I always do. We decided to listen to On The Banks of Plum Creek first. I do love the Little House on the Prairie books. Driving along looking at amazing scenery, listening to the simplicity of Laura Ingalls life, her descriptions of places and events while snacking on almonds and apricots made me feel awfully content. Natalie had the whole back seat to herself and Tatiana was in the front with me. Nobody was fighting. Nobody was grumpy. Tatiana and I kept trying to stop grinning at each other over the delight of our situation :)

We arrived in Palmyra at about 10:15. Why Palmyra? Good question, especially if you are not a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Some very significant events in the history of the Mormon church happened here and every July there is a huge pageant held here. And that is definitely the short version of the story :)

This year our trip to Palmyra was happening so that I could meet my sister Rachel and pass off Tatiana to her since Tatiana and Rachel's daughter Emily are going to be flying from Pittsburgh to Oregon together to see Grandma and Grandpa Ord. Palmyra happens to be the middle spot between Pittsburgh, PA (where Aunt Rachel lives) and Westfield, MA...just in case that ever comes up in casual conversation and you need to know :)

We met at the Palmyra temple and walked around with the kids. What struck me about this temples grounds was that there are no other buildings or busy roads around. I searched my mind for any other Mormon temple that I had been to that had a huge open field of grass behind it and groves of trees all around the field. You could only hear the sounds of birds...no cars...no hustle and bustle of city life, just nature, and the temple. Not another building in sight. I marveled at that for a long time and wish I could have sat and enjoyed it forever....well, at least until I got hungry or needed to buy some new clothes :)

After pictures and our walk around the outside of the temple we made a short drive over to the Sacred Grove and the home Joseph Smith lived in. I always want to take a ton of time here. The stillness calls to me. The split rail fences. The coolness of the walk through the grove of trees contemplating events that happened here. When you come during the pageant week crowds are aplenty and I made a mental note to come back in September by myself when I could wander and ponder :) Yes, I made a rhyme :) I wonder what state my mind will be in in September? Life is funny that way :)The crowds do not bother me. It is fun to watch all the people and muse about their lives. But I occasionally even "social Jennifer" does long for no distractions :)

The pageant, that oh so many people come for, does not start until 9:15 at night so we spent the rest of the day walking up Hill Cumorah, sitting in the beautiful sunshine, people watching, and going back and forth to the bathroom with kids. I love the pageant but I confess that by the time it started I kept falling asleep. That, "four o'clock in the morning going to bed at midnight" thing finally caught up with me.

The sky that night was beautiful...clear, full of stars, with a very bright, perfectly half of a moon. When I was awake I spent way too much time staring at the sky. Thankfully I have seen the pageant before since my mind seemed to be elsewhere this year.

After the pageant I left Tatiana with Aunt Rachel and Natalie and I headed west on I-90 towards out hotel...which was an hour and 22 minutes back down the road. We arrived at the hotel at 12:10 in the morning. We both fell into one of the beds and were asleep within minutes. Four o'clock in the morning came way too soon and we staggered back to the car. We needed to be back home so I could play the piano for an event at 10:30 am. Natalie slept the whole way home and I used that time to think, and think, oh and think. No music. No books on tape. Just me, the sunrise, the rising spots of fog, the bursts of morning sunshine. It truly was a beautiful morning drive. I fought the urge to shut my eyes by eating cherries, almonds, and peppermint lifesavers which I try to keep whole in my mouth as long as I can.

So different from any trip I have ever taken. No big white 15 passenger van. No surly teenagers :) I felt so free I contemplated ditching my obligations at home and heading on to Niagra Falls but I decided to behave :)

A Perfect View.

2011-07-07T21:46:00.004-04:00

Okay, before you start reading today think of the best view you ever saw. Have you ever seen a view that took your breath away? Doesn't everyone love a view? Who would not want one? Who tells the realtor that they want a house with no windows? A view refers to whatever lies open to your sight. A view is something that is seen. Views ALWAYS make me cry...but you knew that. I love to be surprised by a view. I love to go on a hike knowing I will get a view at the end. We all seek for views and exclaim with joy when we see one.

A long time ago my parents moved to Cottage Grove, Oregon. I was married and had little kids and had not seen their new house yet. One summer we loaded the car with the little Baird's and headed to Oregon from Kansas. We arrived in Cottage Grove when it was all dark. We all fell into bed not knowing what was around us. The next morning I woke up and wandered into my parents living room and just stood and stared out their three big windows in their living room at the amazing view. It took my breath away. It was so strange to think that that spectacular view had been there the night before I just had not known it was there.

The same thing happened one time when we went to Hawaii for the first time. We arrived in the middle of the night and had no idea what was around us. I could hardly wait for sunrise so I could peak out the hotel room curtains and see the view. And of course it made all my dreams come true :)

Look over to the left side of my blog...do you see that picture of Deception Pass? This is one of my most favorite views. It is a picture I took from the Deception Pass Bridge a few years ago when I was in Washington State. Whenever I get to back to Washington State I drive straight to Deception Pass as fast as I can. Sometimes when I am having"one of those days" in Massachusetts I imagine myself standing on the Deception Pass Bridge, feeling the wind that is often there, staring out into the blue water that has plops of little islands covered with green trees scattered here and there. I have a beautiful, framed picture in my home ( it is sitting in my closet.....long story) of the Deception Pass Bridge partially covered with fog. Views and fog.....they never go together.

I have been thinking a lot about views lately and how views are definitely better when things are clear. But you really appreciate them the most when you come out of a fog and find one..... I am just sure of it.

My favorite movie is A Room With A View. I love to watch the characters in this movie learn to be honest with themselves and understand views. In the movie, Mr Emerson and his son,George, give up their room with a view to an old lady and her charge, Lucy Honeychurch, who do not have a view and Mr Emerson declares to them that he does not care what is outside that his view is within..."that is where the birds sing and the sky is blue. Hmmm is my view inside or dependent on things that are outside? When it is raining, cloudy, or foggy do I still have a view?

While we are talking about movies and views I recently watched the movie Flipped and in this movie the main female character Juli Baker has a sycamore tree at her bus stop that she climbs to see an amazing view. This tree and this view mean the world to her. One day the tree needs to be chopped down to make way for a house and she stays in that tree hoping to prevent the tree from being chopped down. Nothing and nobody can get her out of the tree until her dad arrives and climbs a ladder and convinces her it is time to come down. She cries and cries for two weeks after the tree is cut down. Longing for her view. One day her dad knocks on her bedroom door and presents her with a painting he made of the tree that was chopped down and she talks about how she discovers that she can look at the painting and remember the view and how she felt when she saw it. How Juli had to come to the realization that the view was still there... just inside of her continues to fascinate me :)

I am so grateful for views. For the times I have seen one and yes, even for the times I haven't. ....otherwise I would not know the difference...right? :)

The Second Of July.

2011-07-04T08:23:00.002-04:00

Fireworks are one of my most favorite things. This year I actually had a not so lucid moment and determined that I was not attending the fireworks in Westfield but I am ever so happy to tell you that I pulled myself together and ended up going.

About two miles up the road from our house is a park called Stanley Park and every year Stanley Park has a pretty amazing fireworks show. It is never on the Fourth of July which rocked my little rule following world at first. I mean, 4th of July, not the 3rd, or the 2nd.....4th :) I am happy to report that it did not take me long to be okay with fireworks on a day other than the 4th. One year, due to rain, the fireworks did not happen until the first week of August and I barely survived :) Stanley Park is pretty amazing. And everytime I go there and hang out I wonder to myself, why do I live a mere two miles from this park and not take advantage of it more? But I will blog about Stanley Park and its amaziness another time.

This year the process of getting to the fireworks was no different from any other year. I always want to get there way too early. Everyone thinks I am crazy to need to get there so early but I think they all had a pretty great spot to watch the fireworks because of my need to be early. So at 4:20 on Saturday afternoon I had my hubby drive me, Tatiana, Natalie, my friend, and her three boys up to the park. He was able to pull right into the park parking lot and drop us off. We were loaded with chairs, food, water, bug spray, games, books, flashlights, bubbles and oh so much more. Between Stanley Park and the road that runs in front of it is the most amazing stone wall that runs the whole length of the front of the park. It is flat dark gray stone stacked ever so carefully and neatly on top of each other. I marvel at it everytime I see it. Then there is a row of trees between the wide, huge, open grassy field and the stone fence. The coveted spots on a sunny July day are under those trees so that was my goal, to get a shady tree spot. A lot of the tree spots were already taken at 4:30 but we procured one of the last ones and spread out our blankets, chairs, and posessions trying to take as much room as possible to save a spot for everyone who was coming later.

The day was beautiful. Huge puffy white clouds...brilliant blue sky....every shade of green possible...and in the shade of the tree it was the perfect temperature. I could have sat there forever. The kids ran over to the playground, climbed the tree, walked on the stone wall, and played games, okay, and they whined a few times about each other and what a drag it is to have to have a sibling bothering you. My friend and I talked and solved all the world's problems. The park fills up pretty fast and by the time the fireworks start at dark almost all of the immense grassy space is completely covered with people. My favorite part is when it gets dark and you can look out across the field and see hundreds of glow in the dark bracelets, necklaces, hats, swords and every other thing you can possibly imagine in glow in the dark form. It creates a pretty fabulous picture that I do adore. I have no idea why things like that fill me with such contentment. I am truly weird :)

Before the fireworks start they have a F-16 flyover....which I confess I could just do F-16 flyovers all day. Why does a F-16 flyover make me cry? Actually, fireworks make me cry too. Actually puffy clouds in a blue sky do too. Yeah, you see a trend don't you ? :) Jennifer + anything amazing = crying. It's not rocket science :)

The firework show is pretty amazing. I spend the whole time repressing the urge to drive everyone around me crazy with my constant exclaiming at how I love that one and oh, I love that one too and oh, wait the really loud noises are my favorite. Yeah, I love everything. But I try to keep it under wraps :)

My hubby and the older kids do not come up to the show until the very last minute. They leave the car at our house and walk up. Traffic is definitely something you need to prepare yourself for when you come to the firework show. We have discovered that the easiest way to deal with that is to just leave our car and walk the two miles back to our house. The "sitting in a parking lot waiting for 45 minutes" thing we tried one year and it just about did the man of the house in.

When the fireworks are over we all load ourselves down with all our posessions and walk down the middle of the closed off streets towards home. Every year as I pass all the parking lots and side roads full of cars waiting their turn I find myself grateful that I have the option to walk home.

I wonder about lots of things when I watch fireworks. Who gets to set them off? How they do it? How I can procure that job of setting off fireworks? I wonder how early they order all those fireworks and where they order them from? Do they have fireworks catalogs? I need to get myself one of those :) I wonder what the names of the fireworks are? I wonder why watching them fills me with such longing? I wonder what it would be like to fly in a airplane over them? I wonder if I will ever make it to New York City and Boston to see their firework displays? I wonder where the best firework display in the world is? I even wonder what everyone else is thinking about.....yeah, it is pretty exhausting to be in my head :)

Your Authentic Self.

2011-06-28T09:13:00.004-04:00

I am constantly wondering about things. My latest wonder is about being honest with yourself. I must be honest and tell you that I once again doubted google and did not really imagine that googling "being honest with yourself" was going to produce anything substansial. Well I am not afraid to tell you that I was ever so wrong. The amount of information out there about being honest with yourself was staggering. I learned so much and I am so glad that I finally googled it. I have been longing to understand who I am and what I really want. How can you identify your authentic self and your goals if you are constantly hanging out with deceiving yourself and denying yourself? Which I was doing :)

Have you ever looked out a dirty window? Don't those spots and smudges drive you crazy? Yesterday I was looking out my sliding glass door and noticing all the smudges, from the people I live with, pressing their faces up against the glass. For some reason I got the notion to deal with these smudges at that very moment. So I got the Windex and the paper towels and dealt the smudges an awful blow. Can I tell you how refreshing and amazing it felt to finish cleaning every inch of that sliding door and look out and realize how clear everything was? And then to wonder sadly why I had not noticed and done it sooner?

Clarity. What do you know about it? Clarity in terms of my window washing experience means the state of being clear or transparent. But another way to talk about clarity is to say:

"clearness or lucidity as to perception or understanding; freedom from indistinctness or ambiguity."

Wait, go back, read it again...slowly...I do know what happens when there are a few 10 letter words and 14 letter words in a sentence :)

So clarity is freedom from doubt, something undefined, and something confusing and something uncertain. Boy, would I adore freedom from those things. Did you know that:

"Without the truth of who you really are and what you really want you can not have clarity in life and you can not achieve your dreams because you will not be able to have true direction."

Dude, I know!! Why did my kindergarten teacher, way back in the 70's, not sit me down with a little dixie cup full of apple juice and a napkin with a pile of goldfish on it and teach me this after nap time and before recess?

I have been so sad to realize this morning that I have spent a huge part of my life using Mr. Self Deception and Mr.Denial to avoid having to deal with issues about me, my circumstances with other people, or things from my past. And guess what ? Mr Self Deception and Mr. Denial have made it so I have been locked in a cycle of self sabotage and low self esteem.....(yeah, the more the merrier :) and that has blocked me into a place where I can not move forward and am stopped cold from living my dreams. I am so excited from my newfound knowledge I am bursting. I can not type fast enough. I want to call everyone I know. I want to discuss. I want steak :)

I want to find authentic Jennifer and be true to her. To be strong and able to know what I like and don't like and to express it in a loving but firm way. To not be afraid to do hard things. When you are dishonest with yourself you are saying you are not worthy enough and that you do not really deserve good things. I had a startling realization as I was reading all that google gave me to read that being honest simplifies your life. I could really use a simple life about now :) Not perfect life....I understand that that does not happen but simple.....ahhh that sounds so great.

So, most people are not honest with themselves and they go to a ton of work to avoid reality. I mean who wants to confront their fears and then never give in? The hugest reason we lie to ourselves is fear....hmmm I need to blog about fear tomorrow :) I mean facing my situations and confronting them does not sound very fun but repress, delude, and deny now that sounds so fun :) JK. Yeah, this being honest thing....are you loving reading this? :)

Riding A Bike.

2011-06-27T11:32:00.003-04:00

How long has it been since you rode a bike? I can not remember the last time I rode a bike. Actually just when I wrote that the last time came flooding back into my mind. I was in high school and I went on a bike ride with one of my sisters. We went down Lord's Hill Road and at the bottom of the hill we turned right and we rode awhile that way. I remember it was afternoon and it was a beautiful Pacific Northwest day. I do not remember what compelled us to go for a ride but I imagine it was the beginning of some grand fitness quest that clearly happened as I am now an Olympic cyclist :) JK

I remember when I finally got rid of my bike when we lived in Provo, Utah. Our landlord in Provo had a ton of kids and I gave my blue ten speed bike, that I had bought with my own money in junior high school, to one of his girls.

Lately I have had the weirdest longing for a bike with a basket on the front. It started last Friday when I was trying to figure out how to get to the car place to pick up my car which was finally done being fixed. It was about six miles to the car place and I had this notion that I could do this.

Our garage is full of bikes that for some reason all have problems. The garage for misfit bikes. I beg the man of the house quite frequently to help get the bikes in working order. But the bikes really prefer taking up space and occasionally falling over when I am trying to reach something around them. I feel bad that the bikes rarely have a view of the road and the world.

Anyway, back to my story. Miriam went through a "I am going to ride a bike into town and purchase sugar" stage last summer. She would frequently end up at Friendly's eating ice cream :) But soon the riding bike phase got frustrating for her because she would often get a flat tire in town. I remembered this as I was contemplating my bike ride into town so I called Miriam who is in Idaho at BYU-Idaho. She could not remember which bike it was that got the flat tire. So my gathering information phase was over and I headed to the garage to ascertain my situation. There are three big person bikes in the garage. One is purple and completely and totally missing a front tire. So that was easy to figure out. Bike number two is also purple and had a very flat back tire. I searched for the tire pump and pumped and pumped but nothing happened....yeah, nothing....yes, I am sure the pump was on right...good question though:) So bike number three is red and is a boy bike. I eyed it and the tires all looked happy. I figured out how to lower the seat and then I stood there and sized it up and realized that I was probably too short to ride it comfortably. But that was not going to stop me. It was a misty, rainy evening. It was about five o'clock. I tilted the bike a little to the side and put my leg over it and tried to touch the ground. I could touch with my tippy toes. I informed the long ominous looking bar that I thought we could ignore each other quite nicely and it kept silent in agreement. So standing up on the pedals I set off around the yard. I needed to figure out what all the gears meant, what made the pedaling feel natural to me, and I needed to figure out how to stop without having to recognize that long bar. So I practiced around and around my front yard. I tried all the gears and I practiced stopping gracefully. I knew I needed to try it out on the actual road after about a half hour of staying on my driveway and front lawn. So my plan was to go out on the busy road in front of my house and ride down to a turn out for trucks just a short ways from my house and practice there for awhile. My heart was racing...why?....yeah, I don't know....something about trying something new and not knowing the outcome does that to me :) As I left my driveway in the misty rain and really let my legs really pump hard happiness came flooding over me. I felt free. Geesh, I really should get a life, huh? I rode for another 20 minutes up and down that truck turn out area. I felt the misty rain on my face and felt strangely empowered...like I could go anywhere....yeah, I know I could get in the car and go anywhere but this was different. I could look up at the low clouds covering the mountain. It was very exhilerating. I finally came back to earth and remembered that I was a 42 year old mom and that I should be at home doing mom stuff so I reluctantly headed home with the determination to get up early the next morning and ride on the honest to goodness road for a while towards town to see if the flat tire thing would happen to me.

Saturday morning I woke up at 6:15am and left the house at about 7:10am. Everything was quiet. The road in front of our house follows the Westfield River and I could hear river sounds as I was riding along. I felt like I could ride forever. I was fascinated with this new discovery. As I got further and further from home I became more tickled with myself.

When I got home from my practice run I felt ready to head off on my "pick up the car" adventure. But I forgot the one small detail .....my youngest child Natalie. Who was most definitely not into staying home alone with her 15 year old brother while I rode to the car place. So to make a long story short I ended up never riding my bike to the car place.

But now I have bike riding in my mind. I have decided to ride the 5 miles to CVS every morning starting Wednesday. I will leave about 6am and I will solve all the world's problems as I ride along. And I will figure out how to make enough money to purchase the bike in the picture at the top. This bike is made in Denmark by a company named Velorbis. I am pretty sure it is a need and not a want. I am enjoying ignorance at the moment because the price of the bike is not written in American money :) But all that matters is the bike has an amazing name Dannebrog.....I am going to go practice writing it in cursive.....Velorbis Dannebrog Baird :)

Revenge.

2011-06-22T23:48:00.004-04:00

If you love rabbits you probably should not read my post today. If you think we should be kind to all creatures great and small you should probably not read my post today. Because today is all about revenge and rabbits. A gardeners troubles are constant. The first year I planted my garden it was bugs. The second year I planted it was blight. The third year it was .....hmmm actually that was a pretty good year. This year it is the year of the rabbits....cute, fluffy, evil rabbits.

I confess that one of the biggest reasons I plant a garden is for the peas. I have so many fond memories of sneaking peas from my mom's garden when I was a kid. I have so many fond memories of sitting on the edge of my own garden, with my kids, with a bowl full of freshly picked peas, eating and eating to our hearts content. For some reason my peas in New England have struggled. Oh, I have grown them every year but I just have not received as many as my greedy heart thinks I should have. This year I had the perfect fence for the peas to happily climb and climb to their hearts content. I planted them ever so lovingly. But it was not long before I discovered something was nibbling them....cutting them right off. It was killing me. Everyday there would be more plants that had met their demise. I put up fence around the peas. The next morning....still having trouble. I doubled the fence. Still trouble. And now almost all my peas are gone. I think I could have taken it better if this year had not already been a tough year for me in every way. This is like the last straw. I got serious about this and yesterday I googled "something is eating my peas" and I read and read and I eliminated cut worms, chipmunks, birds and squirrels all from my list of possible most hated animal. And the winner and recipient of all my hate was the rabbit. I need to friend Mr. MacGregor on Facebook. I can not believe there actually was a time in my life I actually rooted for Peter Rabbit to make it out of that garden alive.

SO...... I will not be beaten by the rabbits. I bought more pea seeds. I am replanting. I am making a better fence. I am trying every single thing google said would get rid of rabbits....human hair, catch and release traps, fence three feet above ground and 10 inches into the ground, dried blood meal, rabbit repellent, fox urine, lavender, garlic, catnip, monkshod and foxglove, and last bu tnot least electric fence. I will not rest until I am sitting on my porch with my kids eating peas to my hearts content and rabbits are dead :) These rabbits have no idea how much energy I have to channel to them at this moment in my life :)

Rollercoasters and Life.

2011-06-19T15:01:00.006-04:00

Rollercoasters... I love them. Have you ever seen the movie Parenthood? Yeah, the one with Steve Martin in it. Yeah, I know, it does have some questionable parts :) But I am not bringing those up :) Remember in the end when they are getting ready to head to a school performance for one of their kids and the dad Gil is complaining to his wife about how messy life is? The kids are not doing what he wants, his job is not going well, she is expecting a baby they did not plan for, etc, etc, etc. Remember while he is complaining the grandma wanders through the room and she says, rather randomly:

"You know when I was 19 Grandpa took me on a rollercoaster"

Gil (the dad) says: "Oh?"

Grandma: "Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride."

Gil: "What a great story." (patronizingly)

Grandma: "I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so scared, so frightened, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry go round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster you get more out of it."

They end up at the school and during the play one of their little kids sneaks up on the stage and wreaks havoc on the play. While this is happening you hear the sounds of a rollercoaster and you see the wife smiling, and laughing, and going with the flow and you see the dad looking sick.

I always loved this part of the movie and yes, I can always hear the rollercoaster noise in the background of my life. When I ride on a rollercoaster I scream. I scream. Oh, and I scream. If I am not screaming I have stopped to burst out in delighted laughter for a very quick second. The screaming is very necessary it is my way of taking my mind off of my fear :) Yeah, I figured that out all by myself :) Clever, eh? From what I can deduce...in my life... I just came down that first big hill which always makes me alternate between screaming and laughing... then it goes into a couple of smooth turns which make me laugh delightedly with no screaming. I wish I knew what was next but my adorable roller coaster happens to be in the pitch dark. Yeah, my favorite....(insert sarcasm).

You all probably wish I was a blogger with little kids. So that you could just come here and contentedly see the latest craft I was doing with the kids (hmmm did we ever do that?) or the latest cute thing some teeny tiny Baird child said. Or the matching outfits I made out of duck tape :) Yeah, those days are gone. I have teenagers and adults for children and a life that gets more complicated by the day and is currently staring at me waiting to see what I am going to do.....be assured it will always involve screaming and laughing.

Book Club Last Night.

2011-06-17T07:29:00.003-04:00

Last night was book club. The first time I had ever heard about book clubs was when I was a very young mom in Princeton, New Jersey. I was invited to attend the book club several times and frankly, I am not really sure why I did not go....that is so not like me. But the fact is, I didn't.

The next time book club came on my radar screen was when we lived in Lawrence Kansas and this time I did participate and thoroughly enjoyed it. When we moved to Indiana one of the first things I did was start a book club and that bookclub is actually still going strong. When I moved to Massachusetts I, again,could not resist the urge to start a book club . Wow, time has really flown, book club here has been going for three years. I took a small break from bookclub here and turned the responsibility over to someone else. Sometimes life gets a little full and overwhelming and you have to back off. I missed it but I can not stand to go to bookclub and have not read the book and that was what was happening....um yeah, I confess, it has happened the last two times there has been book club....ugh :) Also, I had a moment where I felt a little insecure in who I was and how I fit in. But my break is over and I am back as fearless book club leader.

It is amazing when I think of all the books I have read that I otherwise, never would have. I confess I like most of what I read. I can not think of a book I have hated. I can always glean something from any book I read. If I just sit in silence for a minute and let titles pop in my mind from 15 years of bookclubs.....Nicholas and Alexandra comes to mind...so fascinating and yet sad how a child's hemophilia affected a whole country the way it did. The Princess Bride....yes, the book is better than the movie....gasp, can you believe I said that? Bookclub is about reading things you would never read otherwise. So many times I have procured the book for the month and just stared at it, not feeling motivated, and then pulled myself together and ended up reading an amazing book. I have been greatly rewarded by giving each book a chance :)

Okay, this blog is not really as surfacy as it seems I have been seriously mulling over the book we read for book club last night....Tuesday's With Morrie by Mitch Albom. Have you read it? Yeah, you should :) I won't summarize the whole thing for you and bore you to death but I am thinking so intently about two thoughts from the book.

Morrie is a college professor who is dying ever so slowly. And Mitch has been one of his students in the past....a favorite? And he comes to visit him on Tuesdays. There are a list of things they talk about each time. Morrie shares his wisdom with Mitch. It is truly amazing. Things you already know but need to be reminded of. Although there is one time that Morrie gives some advice that caused me to stop and really ponder.

They are talking about emotions and Morrie declares that you need to let an experience completely penetrate you because the only way you are ever able to leave those emotions the experience brings is to experience them fully. Yeah, I know, I was lost at this point too. But he goes on to explain how you can take any emotion...love for someone, or grief, or fear, or pain....etc. He says if you hold back those emotions and do not allow yourself to totally go through them you can never get to the point you can be detached from it because you are too busy being afraid. By allowing yourself to dive into the emotion, all the way in, over your head, then you are able to fully and completely experience it. Then you know what pain is. You know what love is. And when you know what something is then you can recognize it. Then you can say "Hey, I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for awhile." It is the strangest idea to me. I can not wrap my mind around what this means. Morrie talks about how he recognizes fear how he feels when it is around...how he recognizes the texture, the moisture, the shiver down his back of fear, and because he recognizes it he can say to his brain, "okay, this is fear lets back away from it." You know how sometimes you will recognize an emotion coming and you stop it because you are afraid of expressing it? I wonder if this is what he means....don't stop it. If you become familiar with it then you can learn how to not let it control you. I am dying to discuss and discuss this idea to death so that I can understand it but no one really likes to play that game with me :)

I know I said there were two thoughts from the book that caught my attention but my little girls need to get on the bus and I have a day with something scheduled every minute so I will blog about the second thought tomorrow and it will be oh, so fun :) You love things to look forward to :)

Happiness Schmappiness.

2011-06-12T14:04:00.002-04:00

Happiness is on my mind today. Is it strange that I have never really thought about it? I just may be one of those people who took happiness for granted and just assumed I had it....gasp, I know!! So we already know that the first thing I simply must do when musing about a word is go straight to the dictionary and today was no different. I was very overwhelmed by the definition of happiness, I had to just stare at the words for a minute...all of my favorite words were there...all having a party without me...bliss, contentment, pleasure, joy, exhiliration, delight...even enjoyment was there..."happiness results from the attainment or posession of what one considers good." So, of course, I started thinking what do I consider good? What makes Jennifer happy?

Making someone else happy makes me oh so happy.
Knowing that someone else knows what I am thinking makes me happy.
The wonder and beauty of the world makes me happy.
When someone around me sees a small detail in me and how I live and acknowledges it I feel happy.
When I do something that I was afraid to do I feel happy.
When I finish something that was hard I feel happy.
Someone unconditionally listening to me as I ramble on and on also seems to create the happy thing for me
Rollercoasters definitely make me happy
And when my seeds come up in my garden I do feel happy

SO, I think that about covers what makes Jennifer happy. Yeah, I do look a little high maintenance huh? :)

I have lots of questions about happiness. If you found complete and utter happiness would you do anything to keep it? ANYTHING? Is it that important to you? Is happiness different for everyone? Does it depend on your personality if you can live with only occasional happiness or if you need complete and utter happiness 24/7 ?

Weeds.

2011-06-10T22:43:00.004-04:00

So what do you know about weeds? Lately my days are all about weeds. I wake up in the morning at about 6:00 am. I lay in bed and think for a little while. I do adore doing that and then eventually my thoughts always end up on my yard and the weeds that are therein. For some reason those thoughts eventually are what gets me out of bed. I pull on the clothes that love to weed....although I confess when I was teaching seminary I would often weed in my church clothes....ever so carefully :) There is something I love about outside in the morning. I usually wander though the yard checking everything before I start weeding and some mornings I get the sprinkler going. I have two spots in my yard that are in desperate need of weeding attention and I tend to go back and forth between them....analyze me if you must :) One spot is my garden. I have a fairly big spot in my garden that I have not had time to plant in and the weeds have taken up residence there quite happily. The other spot is a spot I am trying to take back from nature. I fight it a little each year and it is a tough battle.

Weeding has been a big part of my life. My mom is a master gardener and my parents were always working in the yard when I was a kid. Weeding a row of corn or beans was often the way I would get permission to go somewhere with my friends or the way I earned the right to sit in a quiet spot and read to my hearts content without interruption. Even when I was young I seemed to recognize the joy of removing all the clutter (aka weeds) and seeing the plant all by itself with endless space and air all around it. That does not mean I angelically and willingly would weed when asked :)

Because my life is so busy these days I set a time limit for myself when I start weeding and attempt not to despair when my time is up and I am not seeing an end in sight but must move on to another part of my life. I just keep saying over and over in my head...."an hour at a time will add up." This year the weeds in my garden have truly been in charge. My family has been fairly critical of my weeding methods. As I am crawling through on my hands and knees carefully pulling each weed and putting it in a bucket they often suggest many other seemingly easier ways to get the job done. And that has got me wondering which of the weed myths are true and which aren't. Which you all know led me to Google.

The best way to get rid of weeds is to prevent them in the first place...story of life, huh? :) As I read there seems to be a few thoughts on weeds. One is to spray a pre-emergent spray (NOT a post emergent spray) on the spot where the weeds are coming up. The other thoughts are to lay down newspaper or plaastic on the spot before you plant and that makes it so the weeds do not get sunshine and get that crazy notion to sprout and grow. So darkness will keep them down or posion will keep them down. SO interesting. Taking tons of time to pull them up by hand is a very successful method it is just that most people do not want to spend that much time doing it but, strangely, I do. I love crawling around pulling weeds out while thinking about my life and realizing how many parallels there are to weeding and life.

I decided to try everything and see if I can become an expert :) I have sprayed Round Up in one area. I am spreading newspaper in another area. And I am crawling on my hands and knees in another area pulling them up by hand. I wonder if it will become clear to me which way is best?

This morning when I logged onto my computer my oldest child, Zach, had left me a note on my computer that said, "Mom, when you look at weeds what do you see?" I smiled and immediately began to think...what do I see when I look at weeds? I see something that is in the wrong place. I see something that is trying with all it's might to prevent something else from being successful. And I see clutter.

Have You Been Waiting? :)

2011-06-09T11:31:00.003-04:00

Oh hello blank blogging rectangle I have missed you. So much has happened since November 2010 when we were last together. I am staring at this blank blogging rectangle thinking about all that I could fill it with but there is just too much. I long to write it all but I am going to make an executive decision and just start with today. Maybe in the future the past can hang out with present here in the blank blogging rectangle :)

So if we start with today we should probably blog about the word waiting. How do you feel about waiting? Are you good at it? Can you hardly wait to wait? :) According to Webster ( a dear friend of mine) waiting is defined as a pause, interval, or a delay. I was born 8 days early so I guess you will know that I have never been so good at waiting. I plant my garden way too early. I talk before I think. I only put $20.00 of gas in the car at a time....takes too long to fill it. Too many exciting things to see and do and wonder about to be waiting for the gas tank to be full...right? :)

Strangely, in the last six months I have caught glimpses of a waiting kind of Jennifer. I really like her. She is calm. She is still. She sometimes prefers looking to talking. She is confident and strong. She is in mortal combat with the non waiting Jennifer at the moment. Sometimes it takes her a few days to wrestle impulsive, panicky, fast Jennifer to the ground. Everytime waiting Jennifer finally beats non-waiting Jennifer down I think this is the last time I surely have finally learned to be slow and methodical and "waiting like."

I think the worst kind of waiting is the waiting with no date on the calendar. I mean, to my credit, I did wait seven times for nine months at a time for my children to arrive. I did wait 2 years for my missionary son to come home. But all those had a date I could look forward to. My new state of waiting has just plain old waiting involved.... the kind of waiting I have no control over and the kind of waiting that could end happy or sad....yeah, my favorite :)

So all a girl who is waiting can do at this point is have faith, be patient, and make a list. So here is my to do list while I am waiting:

#1. Lose my last ten pounds (yeah, I lost 20 pounds since I last blogged....do I write like a skinny person now?)
#2. Read Pathfinder by Orson Scott Card
#3. Finish reading The Great Bridge by David McCullough.
#4. Find a sand building competiton on a beach this summer and go to it.
#5. Hike Alander Mtn
#6. Run the 5K runs on Mondays at Stanley Park
#7. Cut out squares for a jean quilt
#8. Blog 5 times a week

I am sure I will think of more things for my list. But for now this gives me something to think about other than waiting. I know you want to ask but don't :) Waiting girl has also recently met quiet girl :)

Meandering.

2010-11-17T10:22:00.002-05:00

I imagine you often wonder what goes through my head....no you don't need to admit it here.....just send me an e-mail later thanking me for taking the time today to give you a play by play of what is going on in my mind. It may explain a lot about me to you :) I chose to write about this today because I have been sitting here at the computer thinking about what to blog for quite a while and choosing one topic and sticking to it is proving to be difficult.

First I was thinking about Uncle Daniel and Aunt Heather who came to visit us this weekend. They live in Idaho. Daniel is one of the hubby's brothers. We have not seen Daniel and Heather in about 8 years. We do not see family very often. Some of my siblings live a little closer to Massachusetts than Brian's do so we see them a little more often. Brian sees his family more often than the kids and I do because he often has business in Utah. It was fun to see Daniel and Heather and kind of cool to realize that they can now picture me somewhere. I have no idea where they imagined me before they actually saw where I lived :) Perhaps I am the only person on the planet who likes to imagine people in their setting :)Yes, if I have not seen you since college it is possible I still imagine you there :)

It did not take me long in my life to figure out that I am not the type that NEEDS to live close to family. I love my family and we all get a long famously so I would have no problem living by them I just do not need too. Throughout our married life I have encountered many couples that could not wait to get to move from where ever they were at the time to go back to be near their family. I have always just created a family where I am. I remember when I was a kid we would have members of our church over for holidays because we did not have family near by and I have continued that tradition as we have lived all over the place. I can not tell you how grateful I am to those people who thought of us throughout the years and invited us to share holidays with them since we had no family to share it with.

Now my little brain has skipped to motivation....why? Very good question. I have no idea why the word motivation would follow the word holidays in my thought process :)

And no sooner had I written motivation than I had jumped ahead to christmas cards. Can I just tell you how painful the christmas card process is? I send them every year. I am social and my relationships mean way too much to me to not send them. When the kids were little christmas cards were a breeze. I would choose their outfits. They would cheerfully put them on. I would brush their hair. They would cheerfully let me. I would write in the letter about funny things they had done that year, they were not be old enough to read it and comment on it or.....gasp....complain about what I wrote......drat, now they can all read :) The past two years we have not even been able to get together to take the silly picture. This year I am determined to get a christmas card picture. It has been scheduled about 4 times and our next appointment is this Sunday right after church scrunched in between the kids Bishop Youth Council after church and Amanda's patriarchal blessing at 3. Deciding what to wear, deciding where to take the picture are on my mind 24/7. I do not want a traditional standing, smiling, perfect looking christmas card because we are not perfect. It takes forever to think of an idea that everyone will agree to. Truly, our best christmas card to date has been the year we all just grabbed each other and fought in front of the camera, we do look pretty amazing when we are fighting :) Yes, I am jealous when I get your card and you are all dressed in christmas plaid, your hair is perfect, you are all skinny, and I can just imagine you all group hugging before the picture but I can not deny who the Baird's are.

Oh drat I just looked out the window and was instantly reminded of leaves. I love Fall. I can just never figure out the best way to deal with the leaves. Some people rake them every time one falls on the lawn....and when I grow up and no longer have to fix dinner and do laundry I will SO be that type. Some people wait until they all fall. Some people mow them up and compost them. Some people put them in bags. Other's slyly rake them into the woods by their house praying they will not blow back in their yard. Some have leaf blowers and awesome, huge lawn mowers with monster bags. For the first time in my life I tried the "mowing leaves thing" this year with my neighbors lawn mower, that has a bag, and I was fascinated with the joy it brought me to dump that very small bag of crunched up leaves on my garden but after having to stop every three feet to have to dump the bag I quickly lost interest. I actually like to rake. It is just finding the time when the weather decides to cooperate. On Monday I marched out there and raked two huge piles of leaves but I had no bags to put them in. By the time I purchased bags ( AKA.....calling the husband to pick them up from the store) it was dark and too late to bag my leaves. Imagine my chagrin when I woke up the next morning to steady rain that fell all through yesterday and this morning. Raking leaves is all about timing. You check the weather, You check the leaves left in the trees. You have to be home. You have to have time. It has to be before the snow falls or you are sunk. It is a minor miracle if it all happens perfectly.

Well that my friends is one hour of the joy that it inside my head. christmas cards, leaves and far away family all packed in tight to one hour wouldn't you love to experience the rest of the hours of the day :)

Tow Companies DO That?

2010-11-08T10:33:00.003-05:00

Do you believe in karma? Do you believe the fruits of your labor come back to you? Well, I think I might believe. A few weeks ago Miriam managed to lock the car keys in our big white van. I was understanding, and realized with every fiber of my being that it can happen to anyone, but the emotion called frustration did cross my mind and I briefly wondered how on earth she did it. I think I have locked the keys in the car twice in my whole life so I should have behaved better. I think it was just all the events in that particular day combined that caused me to behave poorly. SO, if you are thinking about what an insensitive mom I am than you are going to love this story.

I locked the keys in our minivan on Saturday. There, I said it. I had just been thinking, a few days before, about how horrible it would be if I locked the keys to our mini van in the mini van because for some reason we do not have a spare key to that car. I know that that man called husband has set out to get another key for our minivan a few times and I still do not really understand why those excursions were not successful... but I know he has a lengthy reason why there is only one key to the minivan... I just am not clear on what that reason is.

So there I was in Stop and Shop(creative grocery store name eh?) parking lot on Saturday with Tatiana. I knew exactly how it had happened. But I had not even realized it had happened until we got back to the car.

The pros of the situation were that:

It was a beautiful day.
The husband was actually in town and not on a business trip.
I had just run into the store to return something and did not have 6 carts of groceries to worry about.

The cons:

Things like this make the husband a tad grumpy,
The aforementioned fact that, we did not have another key.
There is no bookstore or Ann Taylor Loft next to the Stop and Shop for the convenience of people who lock their keys in the car to browse in while they are waiting for their grumpy husband.

Anyway, I called the husband to tell him the fabulous news about what I had done. He called a locksmith and headed to town to get me. While he was waiting for the locksmith, who said he would be there in 20 minutes, I took Natalie and we walked to the library. I am not so good at the "stand around and not be doing something kind of thing." When we got back from the library the husband and Tatiana were still waiting and that was not a good sign because it had been awhile. After a minute of discussion we decided I would take his work car, drive it home, and he would come home after the locksmith finally came. I had only gone a few blocks towards home when the husband called to say the locksmiths car had broken down and he could no longer come so would I please come back and get him.

After I came back we sat there wondering what plan B was. We discussed breaking the window....actually, really no discussion on this one, he suggested, I declined. We discussed finding another locksmith (it was Saturday the other locksmiths were not at work). It was weird to honestly not know what to do. I called a few friends who always know what to do in situations like this and none of them answered their phones.

Finally, I suggested that Brian drive me over to the police station and let me ask them what to do. It is not manly to ask questions but he felt like transporting the question asker was not violating any rules of manliness so we headed for the police station. He waited in the car while I ran in to ask. While waiting for the one officer on duty in the office on Saturday I met some people who had been scammed by a family member and got my fill of soap opera for the day. Finally, I was able to do the, "question asking thing" and discovered that policemen can no longer help you get into your locked car. But he very nicely suggested calling a towing company. I was surprised to hear that towing companies were multi taskers. I wish they would include that in their name......."Billy Bob's Towing and Getting Keys Out of Locked Cars Company" so I would have known.

So we called the towing company and within 20 minutes and $40.00 later we had our keys.

What did we learn?

Tow truck companies tow AND open your locked car for you.

When your purse happens to be in the back seat and you have to reach back there to get your wallet be sure to put your keys in your coat pocket before getting the wallet if you don't you just might leave the keys sitting in the console between the seats.

Don't assume the extra weight in your coat pocket is your car keys.....it could be your cell phone....so double check before locking the doors.

Tatiana learned about how you should act when your plans get changed by unforseen circumstances and you are stuck sitting in your car waiting when you could be home playing.

Maybe I should just stop locking the car it really isn't anything anyone would ever want anyway.

The First Daughter.

2010-11-04T08:35:00.009-04:00

So tomorrow the 19 year old turns 20. That means two of the seven Baird children are over 20. That means time has flown. The strange thing is I do not feel old. I feel just like I did when I was at BYU in 1987. How does that work?

Madeline was born in 1990 in Provo, Utah on November 5th. She and Zach are 1 year and 16 days apart. Zach was not even old enough to know about jealousy so he and Madeline always got along well. Except for the time he pushed her down our hardwood stairs in Princeton. Oh and the time he tried to get her to stop licking the knife she kept dipping in the peanut butter jar and she threw her sandwich at him. Yeah, maybe I forgot about the bad times ....oh well...ignorance is bliss :)

Madeline has never been afraid of anything. She is the only Baird child to be able to claim this personality trait. She did not even cry when she was born. When we went to the beach when the kids were little Zach would sit carefully on the sand not wanting to touch anything and Madeline would lay down in the sand and experience it. She was never afraid of getting into trouble which made it very difficult to punish her. She was not afraid of going into the nursery at church. She was not afraid to try new things. The thought has never occured to Madeline that she could not do something. Brian loves to dare the kids to do things and Madeline was always up to the challenge. Due to this she can brag that she has ridden in the trunk, stood in a glacier fed lake for 30 seconds, jumped off a waterfall, and many more things. She even taught herself and Miriam to ride bikes.

Madeline is good at everything she does. Violin, piano, dance, soccer, boys, track, rugby, school, and getting what she wants. Everything she touches turns to gold. Miriam even claims that Madeline was the best at playing ponies when they were little. Miriam also claims it is annoying that Madeline is good at everything. But then she quickly had to concede that Madeline is not "in your face" about any of her "mad" skills :)

I confess that Madeline is probably the second most misunderstood of the Baird kids because she is not going to tell you things or do things just to please you. Until she went to college we did not know much about her but I have to say BYU/college worked it's magic on Madeline. That first summer she came home and Miriam stole her seat at the table and she said nothing I thought aliens had abducted my Madeline. She helped me can strawberry jam last summer. She adopted my nasty tomato patch and faced her worst fears there :) She offered to help nonstop. She chided the other Baird children about fighting over seats in the car. She talked my ear off. It took some getting used to to have a Madeline not immersed in her music or non stop texting and actually wanting to talk to me :)

She is in her second year at BYU. She runs on the BYU track team and actually managed to just recently also make the BYU Rugby team. She wanted to be an astronaut but the President of the United States put an end to that dream by discontinuing the program. She is fascinated with Physics and I think she is currently studying Mechanical Engineering.....yeah, I should communicate better.

Oh, she is not perfect... she loves to sleep on the floor and does. She leaves her clothes all over the floor. And falls asleep with her phone right next to her. Hmmm is that all her faults? :)

I love my Madeline dearly. She has grown up to be an amazing young woman. Because of her I never have to wonder if a new music group has come out and I have missed it. Because of her I can brag that I have had a "poor white trash fight" with one of my kids (funny story :) It is a breath of fresh air to have such an easy going child.

Getting Religious On You :)

2010-11-03T08:41:00.003-04:00

Twice a year all members of the Mormon church get the opportunity to hear our leaders speak to us. This occasion is called conference and it happens in October and April. Conference happens in real life in Salt Lake City, Utah and if you live out West you get conference on your tv in your home on local channels. We live in Massachusetts and get conference on our tv also but only because the husband purchased the cable that provides him with the BYU channel because he NEEDS to have the ability to watch BYU sports. If you live outside of the inter-mountain west it used to be that you went to the church building in your area to watch conference broadcasted on the satellite. Yeah, those were the good old days....getting all the kids dressed in church clothes all weekend, packing food for an army, paper and crayons for an army, quiet toys that no one would fight over....for an army. ( impossible don't even attempt it :)

But this blog is not really about the details of conference. It is about something I heard in conference that has been on my mind a lot. Being courageous. One of the speakers in October conference talked about being a courageous parent. And I do not really think I am one of those. Being courageous means you are fearless. I am not fearless. I care that my kids are liked. I care that they like me. Yeah, I know big, fat, red flags everywhere, huh? You probably should call the parent police :) But I have been working on it lately. Being able to say and do what is best for my family so that I can make sure I am not walking around with a guilty feeling about a decision I made or stand I took. I want to have a clear conscience when my kids possibly make bad choices and know that I did my best to teach them what was right.

Halloween weekend was one of the first times that I noticed myself having to make a courageous choice as a mom. Halloween was on a Sunday this year. Mormon's have some pretty good recommendations for how you observe Sunday. You can choose to follow the recommendations and get more blessings or you can choose not too observe the recommendations and get......not punished.... but maybe less blessings? We are all at different points on the wide spectrum of observing Sunday. But Sunday is considered a day of rest so we do not go to the store or get gas or let our kids go to birthday parties....etc. The day is supposed to be different from other days of the week. When my kids were little I would not let them jump on the trampoline when it was Sunday. That rule is long gone...by the way :) But at the time I did indeed have this rule. At the time I explained to them (for the hundreth time) that I wanted Sunday to be different and jumping on the trampoline made the day the same as other days. And the naughty Baird children quickly asked me if they could, "jump on the trampoline naked"......declaring that that would surely make it different from other days :) Do you see why I abandoned the rule? HAHA

Anyway, back to Halloween and Sunday. In other places we have lived there has always been the option to trick or treat on another day or there has been a huge trunk or treat at the church when Halloween has happened to be on a Sunday. So we have never had to face the Sunday/Halloween decision straight on before. But this year we did.

Here is what I heard...over and over again from all my children...yes, even the ones who knew better:

"ALL" their friends were trick or treating on Sunday and they were the only ones not trick or treating.

"They wouldn't have any candy."

"Having Halloween on Sunday was just like having Christmas or Easter on Sunday."

"We weren't buying anything just getting candy for free."

"We would be together as a family trick or treating." (nice try huh? )

I was so torn. I love Halloween. I love trick or treating. And some parents that I really respect were letting their Mormon offspring trick or treat. Was it really that big of a deal? Why was I agonizing over this? We are talking a ton in my Seminary class about whether you make choices because you care more about what people think or more about what God thinks. For me...a sixth generation Mormon...I could not in good conscience let my kids trick or treat on Sunday this year. It was a hard decision for me. And in the end it actually was not my decision I threw it back at the Baird children and let them choose what they wanted to do. They all chose not to go.

I do not think my decision made me any better than any other Mormon parent that may have made a different decision because we all have our reasons for the decisions we make. But it felt good for ONCE in my life as a parent to take a stand and follow through. It is not easy to do that. If you can do it you are a courageous parent. And now I can say that I was a courageous parent once way back in October of 2010 :) I for once was not afraid of what other parents would think. I was not afraid of how it would affect my kids to not have bags and bags of candy....did I just say that? :)

It also took courage to tell you about this because you could take it a million different ways and it could cause you to wonder a lot but it has been on my mind and I wanted to have it on my blog for me and for the day when I am dead and some future great-great granchild is reading things I wrote and wonders what kinds of decisions I had to make and wonders why their parents are so mean :)

Day Two. Truly the Best Day...Yet.

2010-11-02T01:36:00.004-04:00

So waking up in the Waldorf Astoria on your birthday feels a little decadent. I lay there on my perfect mattress, on my amazing sheets, staring at the perfect window treatment on the window, (people staying at the Waldorf never refer to them as curtains :) listening to the horns honking on Park Avenue ten floors down, thinking about turning 42. For the record, Aunt Sarah was out of bed before me. I do find it hard to lay around. I love to get up and get going. Time is always ticking in my head :) But we took the morning slow. I purposely did not take anything with me that would tell me the time and make me feel anxious.

The Waldorf does not offer you a breakfast for free but they do offer you a coupon for a pastry and a drink at the Starbucks in their hotel. It was fascinating to me to realize that rich people do not need a continental breakfast where they could elbow other travelers for their bagel and yogurt. It would possibly be offensive to them that someone would suggest that free would appeal to them :) But none of us were rich so we willingly used our coupons for our free loot at the Starbucks. We carried our food into the Waldorf's amazing lobby and sat on a couch next to the grand piano that Cole Porter composed many of his songs on and ate, feeling a tad famous :)

Finally we headed out into the city. We were on a quest to find a part of Manhattan that had antiques. But we soon discovered that if you ask the concierge at the Waldorf where to find antiques he will send you to a place where they have huge carvings out of jade and enormous eccentric chandeliers. So we abandoned that plan and headed to Canal Street instead. On the subway ride to Canal Street I met a nice man who answered every question I asked about where to find good food and possibly "normal" antiques. And he even threw in where Sarah Jessica Parker lived without me even having to ask :) I have an addiction to asking questions that sometimes serves me well.

On Canal Street I did not purchase anything. I continue to not be able to spend money very easily but I had a great time watching everyone else spend their money. And Aunt Sarah took mercy on me and bought me an amazing scarf. We decided to just wander from Canal Street. So we headed uptown, walking. Which I have decided is the best thing to do in New York City once you have been several times and have seen all the touristy places. So we wandered through Soho and just stopped wherever we felt like it. We admired amazing buildings, spent way too much time browsing in Anthropologie, and asked lots of questions. We decided that for lunch we would eat somewhere unusual and different so we stopped at a teeny tiny Cuban place that seated 40...yes, I counted :) The food was fabulous. Have you ever had a Cuban sandwich? It sounds innocent but I think this sandwich changed my life :)

After lunch we kept walking and headed for 26th Street where we heard there possibly would be our ever elusive antique shops. We passed New York University. We went in a exclusive shoe store. We happened upon a street full of booths of things for sale. We watched a hawk eat a squirrel up in a tree in a park. We admired the Flatiron building, which is an amazing triangle shaped skyscraper that has a very rich history. Finally we found some antique shops. But we concluded that antiques in New York City are different from the antiques we know, and love, in Massachusetts at Brimfield.

Finally we hopped on the Subway and headed for Rockefeller Center. I had spied a Lego store there the day before and I could not rest until I had checked it out. Of course I did not purchase anything(do you see a trend here?) but admiring all the Lego sets and marveling at the Lego re-creation of Rockefeller Center made me supremely happy. After visiting a few other shops there in the center we headed for our last stop which was Magnolia Bakery.....round two.

Sometimes on the weekend in New York city the subway trains change from their normal routes and schedules due to construction and such and it can be a tad confusing to 4 women lugging suitcases, baked goods, and heading for their car. We spent quite a bit of quality time under the ground riding the subway that evening. We had enormous fits of laughter at our situation, we offered our cupcakes from Magnolia Bakery to anyone who would help us figure out which train was express and which train was local. Finally we made it to our stop and climbed up out of the subway with our suitcases in tow....having again exercised with our luggage....I think we are on to something here :)

We left the city at 9:30 at night and arrived home to Massachusetts at one in the morning.

My only regret on my annual New York City trip is that I can not invite all my friends to come on this amazing weekend with me. It kills me to leave anyone out. But reality is always lurking reminding me that it is not possible.

I have already started my list of things to do next time I am in the city and I have a new list of things to show my kids now that I have explored more. I have a deep love for the energy and amazing-ness of New York City. The amount of history in the city is staggering.

Next time you feel the urge to walk until you might drop, feel the need to be around lots of people, want to discover landmarks you have only seen in movies, eat fabulous food, and really just be with me I would drop everything in a heartbeat and take you to the city. As long as you are okay with my need to ask questions and keep things moving :)

Every Last Detail.

2010-11-01T08:35:00.007-04:00

Do you have some time? I finally do and I am so happy. There is no school tomorrow so I do not have to plan a seminary lesson so I can tell you every detail of my annual New York City trip. I am not sure how this tradition started. All I know is it started last year, it involves Aunt Sarah, a few other friends and New York City.

I live about 2 and a half hours from New York City. It is a beautiful and easy drive down there. I told you last year about the Merritt Parkway which is the main road I take to get to the city. I wish you could come and drive down the Merritt with me sometime because it is very hard to convince people that a road could be beautiful. So you will just have to trust me...the Merritt Parkway is beautiful.....especially in the Fall.

Aunt Sarah lives in Georgia and her husband has some great hotel points so he always hooks us up with a hotel in New York City. This year we had to work dates around a little and our New York city weekend ended up being on my birthday.

Last year we discovered that there is a lot of early planning involved if you want to go to the top of the Statue of Liberty. So in July Aunt Sarah was on the ball and got us tickets to go up into the crown of the Statue of Liberty. They only allow 240 people a day into the crown. They only allow 3,000 people a day into the pedestal and the museum of the statue. The other people on the island are allowed to walk around the island. We had to put our names on the tickets to the crown way back in July because they run every background check humanly possible on you before you show up. One of our friends was not able to go up in the crown with us because we added her to our trip at the last minute. But we were able to use Jedi mind tricks to get her into the museum and the pedestal. The tickets to the crown are extremely reasonable. For $15.00 you get the boat ride over and access to everything on the island. The pedestal tickets are $12.00. They told us we needed to be at the tip of Manhattan Island by 10:30 in the morning on friday so we left Massachusetts at 6:30 in the morning. We got into the city by 9:30, parked, walked a few blocks and hopped on the subway and rode for about 20 minutes to Battery Park. The day was beautiful, clouds with blue sky and sun breaking through, and about 50 degrees with a wind. After passing many checkpoints and receiving a special wristband we finally got to the stairs you climb up to the crown. The stairs wind around inside the statue all the way up to the crown. It is 354 steps to the crown and they get narrower and narrower as you go. They start out straight but eventually start curving around and around. Of course the views from the top are amazing. It was well worth the $15.00.

After we left the island we were very hungry so we headed to the edge of Little Italy to a restaurant that Aunt Sarah had read about called Rinaldi's. Rinaldi's was the first official pizzaria opened in the United States and there are pictures all over the walls of famous people with the owner. The pizza really was amazing. Although, I confess that I ordered a calzone. But the yummy noises my three friends were making while they were eating was enough to convince me. Once we got some food in us we were ready to take on the town.

Our next goal was to get tickets for a show on Broadway. So we headed to Times Square to the TKTS booth. The line was not very long and we had several shows to choose between and finally settled on West Side Story because it is leaving Broadway in January and because it had all the original cheoreography in it. We paid $67.00 a ticket and the show started at 8. That meant we did not have much time to get our luggage back to the Waldorf Astoria.

Uncle Jason got us two hotel rooms at the Waldorf for our weekend. We were very excited about that. And the hotel did not disappoint us. But I am pretty sure that the Waldorf expects that people who stay in their hotel do not care how much things cost because to park in their parking garage involved $60.00 a day. We all gulped at that number and chose to park clear across town at our lot on 60th street that cost us $22.00 a day. Yeah, you do the math :) But this decision resulted in way too many New Yorkers seeing 4 women running.....yes, running.... through the streets of New York City with our rolling suitcases flying behind us. We definitely got our exercise. And it was definitely not for the faint of heart :) We needed to get from the hotel on Park Avenue to our luggage on 60th and then back to the hotel on Park Avenue and then to our show on Broadway in a very short amount of time. I know you will wonder about my sanity when I tell you it actually was very invigorating and I think I may film a dvd and start an exercise empire on the idea of exercising with your luggage :) We arrived at the theater with 20 minutes to spare. Thank goodness we had eaten so much pizza 6 hours before :)

West Side Story was amazing. I confess, I do not really like the story but the dancing and the voices of the performers were amazing. The other two shows I have seen on Broadway have sucked me in and made me feel like I dare not breathe for fear of ruining the moment. I did not feel this way after seeing West Side story but it was still very good.

After the show it was 10:30 pm and in the, "city that never sleeps" the night was young so we headed to our favorite spot.....Magnolia Bakery. Cheesecake, cupcakes, cake, bar cookies, pie anything your little heart desires is there and extremely yummy. I mean if you have to wait in line to get into a place at 11:00 at night it sadly means it is worth it. I got mercilessly teased because I did not purchase anything but that does not mean it is not an amazing place it just means I can not spend money to save my soul :)

We got back to our hotel by 11:30 and sat in the lobby and watched people leaving the party in their costumes. It was very interesting. After a short time we headed upstairs and I literally fell into bed. Karen and Gail were in one room and Aunt Sarah and I were in another. I have a reputation for waking up early and wanting to get going, everyone warned me that if I got up early and woke them up I was in HUGE trouble. So we did not leave the hotel the next morning until about 11. But I will tell you about our Saturday in New York City tomorrow. Now I have to go clean my house and get a box ready to send to Madeline for her birthday this weekend. So, I will see you tomorrow :)

Squeezing.

2010-09-28T08:37:00.003-04:00

Hey, blog is that you? Oh my, it has been way too long.....did you lose some weight? :) We need to talk more. Can you believe it has almost been a month? I want you to know I think of you often. I honestly have a ton of blogs composed in my head to put in that blogging rectangle. Please do not take it personally. It is time's fault....it is always time's fault. But before I go off on a tangent about time let me quickly catch you up on what has been keeping me away from blogging every single day about every torrid detail of my life :)

SEMINARY

Yeah, I need to find some balance huh? I had this great vision of me spending two hours a day on my seminary lesson, one hour on house cleaning, one hour on my music, one hour on gardening and an hour on exercising. Yeah, do the math. That is 6 hours. The children have vacated the house by 8:30 am so add 6 hours onto 8:30 am and that takes us to 2:30 pm which is actually perfect because they start moving back into the house by 3:30. But it is not working out like it did on paper. Reality is 4 hours on Seminary, 1/2 an hour on housework, another hour on Seminary, 15 minutes on Facebook, 15 minutes on e-mail, another hour on Seminary, one hour on paper routes, 10 minutes on making pancakes for dinner, 25 minutes on reading with Natalie and doing her math flashcards, two more hours on Seminary then bedtime. Spending too much time on my Seminary lessons? WHO ME? I really hate to be teaching something I do not know about so I have to make sure I am informed about my topic for the day and then I have this little personality that does adore teaching lessons that flow...yeah, I know reality does not flow perfectly but that juicy bit of information never stopped me from trying.

I did squeeze in a trip to visit a dear friend who lives in Virginia. She and I visited Mount Vernon...you know, George Washington's home, the one with the amazing view of the Potomac, the one with acres of amazing gardens and grounds, yes, the one with the brightly painted rooms. I love Mount Vernon. I love history. I can not tell you how many times I checked out the story of the Jamestown Flood from the library when I was 11. Oops, I am getting off topic:) Laurie and I had not seen each other in about 16 years. I am searching for the words to describe how comforting it is to see someone you have not seen in a long time. Someone who knew you at a different stage of your life that you are at now. Someone who can reassure you you are a good person and still the same. We talked, and talked, and talked, like 16 years apart had not even happened. I am extremely grateful to her for entertaining me for 33 hours :) And you probably should be warned I may just call you out of the blue one day and tell you I have a plane ticket to come visit you :)

I also squeezed in painting my front door. You see, my house is gray, my shutters are a dark blue and my front door has been a deep purple....that deep purple has been deeply bothering me. It is funny now that it is red no one remembers what color it was before. I do not mind the shade of red it ended up being but I am not supremely happy so I am going to repaint it. There are so many shades of colors out there and you have to consider so many variables and I feel like the color could be better. So I will have to squeeze painting the front door into my schedule again.

I am trying to squeeze in yard work. I have this one spot in my yard that I need to tame. I have dreaded facing it. It has blackberry bushes, weeds, rocks, yellow jacket nests, guck the builders of the house were way to tired to cart off the land, really there are surprises galore in this spot :) But I find if every other day I spend sometime facing this spot and dragging stuff out of it that it is strangely therapeutic and ever so slowly it is taking shape.

I have a pile of books I am longing to read. I have a pile of fabric calling my name. I have a bathroom to paint. I have a blog I miss terribly but this is the time of my life that I have to focus on other things. But I am not completely gone and I will hopefully be able to blog once a week now that I am figuring out how much time everything in my life really needs.

I feel like I am cramming things in, jumping on the suitcase, struggling with the zipper, searching for empty space, whatever visual you need to see how I am working to fit everything into Jennifer's 24 hours....but I have confidence it will all come out fine I just need a few more weeks :)

Multi Taskers Dream Come True.

2010-09-01T08:48:00.004-04:00

There is nothing that makes me happier than to accomplish two things at once......the dictionary calls it multi tasking and I do adore it.

Nothing makes me feel more fabulous than being on my way upstairs or downstairs and have an armful of things to carry that belong where I am already heading.....(just for the record the children do not get the same happiness from this activity.) I only watch TV if I have something to do while I am watching.....like folding socks or cutting 500 scripture mastery seminary puzzles out....ugh, what was I thinking?

My latest multi tasking venture has me quite pleased with myself. I have figured out how to exercise, read the scriptures, and make money at the same time. It all started when school started on Monday and we realized that Joe's soccer schedule prevented him from getting his paper route done before 5:00 pm everyday. I had no problem volunteering to do that route. I have been eyeing his paper route for a long time, he gets the best tips ever.

So everyday at 11:20 I drive to the paper place in town and pick up the papers. On the way home I fold the papers....shhh it is very safe to drive and fold papers at the same time :) When I get home I get my exercise clothes on and grab the very fashionable Westfield Evening News newspaper bag.....I wonder if I could get Vera Bradley to start a line of newspaper bags? Truthfully, the newspaper bag is the hardest part of this multi tasking venture. But I just say to myself over and over again while I am walking on the 2 busy roads I have to walk on, past tons of cars, with people in them, laughing at the grown up with the newspaper bag, that it does not matter what other people think. It seems to be working.

Anyhow, I load that adorable, "pride killing", bag with 38 papers, the garage door opener, my cell phone, and a water bottle and start walking. The bag bangs against the top of my leg since I am so...ahem, short. The Massachusetts sun, the last few days, has been merciless between 12 and 1 when I am delivering. I have several pretty big hills that give me great satisfaction. The route cover 3 and 1/2 miles....depending on if I cut through yards or not :) I keep track of my time so that I have a record to break from the previous day. Today I am adding my scriptures on CD to the venture so that I can be studying for seminary at the same time. I am loving this discovery of mine. As I walk along the Berkshire mountains are on my right soaring up into the sky. The trees that cover them are starting to think about changing color. The little old people are waiting by their mailboxes to chat and get their papers. All the landscaping that I could only see as I drove by quickly in my car I can now really look at. The neighborhoods are so quiet that I am getting lots of quality alone time with my brain.

You may think that for $40.00 a week it is so not worth it but trust me it really is :)

Joe's soccer ends in November and he has already warned me he wants his route back. I think he may have to arm wrestle me for it. I wonder if I could arm wrestle and read at the same time? :)

Jill G. Would Be So Proud :)

2010-08-17T17:17:00.007-04:00

Jill Gradeless is the queen. I love her. She lived in Indiana when we lived there. Every single thing Jill touched had a theme, tulle, matching colors, sequins and was truly amazing. I longed to be like Jill.... I still do long to be like Jill. I have moments when I am close to being like her. Like when I sanded my table and chairs, spray painted them and then re-stained the top of the table. But Jill will tell you, in a heartbeat, that me attempting to be like her means me needing her to be on the phone with me through the whole project. Me, calling, 24/7 is Jill's most favorite thing :)

Anyway, today was Natalie's 8th birthday and I think Jill would have been proud of me. Usually when I decide to do parties for someones birthday I do games and good food but I never, ever do anything involving that D word....decorate.. or that T word...theme. But something came over me while thinking about Natalie's birthday and I decided to decorate and consider a theme. I do not want you to think I have betrayed you. I honestly will never do it again but I just had to know what it felt like to be one of those people who needs everything to coordinate.

First Natalie and I sat down at the computer and browsed through way too much of the Family Fun website. We printed off everything she loved....yes, it was pretty much everything. Then I sorted through the ideas and decided what I loved :) I LOVE flowers and when I saw the enormous tissue paper flowers attached to bamboo sticks I knew they had to happen....( this feels so surreal telling you about crafts on my totally not crafty blog :) Luckily, I have the most amazing OCD 16 year old who loves to make everything perfect and should have been Jill's daughter and she very willingly took on the tissue paper flower project. I found huge packages of purple tissue paper on clearance at Target for .74 cents so the flowers were purple...(don't you dare loose focus when I say these things...repeat after me..."Jenn Baird is not a craft queen or a bargain shopper she JUST got LUCKY :)" Everyone helped with the flowers at some point and we ended up with 18 or so of them and their job was to line our sidewalk leading to the front door and they performed their job perfectly.

Our next project had to be worked on the night before the party and that was the fairy bower.....I am not sure why they call it a bower...I should google that huh? I found some tulle at Wal mart for .97 cents a yard and bought 5 yards, but it was not enough. Thankfully I had some old sheer curtains, and a huge piece of yellow see through-ish fabric in the basement and between all three pieces and some clothes pins Madeline, Amanda and I created the fairy bower. It took time, inspiration, and okay, a little of Natalie sauntering through our process and declaring, "that is not it." I discovered if you cut apart a cheesy hawaiian lei and let all the flower petals fall off they look amazing on top of a fairy bower. And Amanda thought three of the tissue paper flowers needed to be pinned up with the tulle and such. So it was a group effort that at times had us doubting but when I settled into my bed at 11pm last night I was content and when I woke up at 4 to take Miriam's friend to the airport and looked at it again I was, thankfully, still content.

Natalie had seven little friends come to her party, six girls and one boy. We painted rocks, glued jewels on boxes, frosted and put way too many sprinkles on cookie flowers that were on sticks and some mini cupcakes, popped balloons, and hunted for jewels and candy. I think it will take days for the house to recover but at least I knew better and no glitter was involved in the party....learned that lesson in1998.

I do not have a set rule about the occurence of birthday parties for Baird children. Some years they need a party and some years they don't. I know some people say only a party every other year for their kids. Some say only a party if the month before your birthday had a full moon on a Sunday. Some people say only a birthday if your favorite color is orange. I did not make any rules because there is always an exception and someone...cough, cough...one of your kids.... is always patiently waiting to call your attention to the date, and time that you made an exception.

I remember my first boy/girl surprise birthday party when I turned 12 in Southern California. It made all my dreams come true. I hope my kids have at least one birthday moment that they feel like the day truly was different than others and that they will remember. I am not sure if this is natalie's or not but the other kids and I sure had a fun time preparing for it.

Wingaersheek Beach

2010-08-09T09:11:00.005-04:00

About a month ago Miriam decided that for her 18th birthday she wanted to load up our big white van with kids and spend a day on the beach. She convinced Amanda that she wanted the very same thing for her birthday. And she presented her plan to me. So we talked about the precious 15 seats in our van and how they should be filled. We talked about a day. It had to be a Saturday because most of the teenagers invited all work during the week. I hate to take guests into the unknown so I chose Crane Beach as our destination because I have been there several times and I know how to get there. I know what it looks like. I know they have showers and bathrooms. I know it is beautiful. There is hardly anything to worry about when you go somewhere you have already been and know what to expect.

But on August 6 the day before their party I learned that Crane Beach was having their annual sand castle building contest. Something I definitely want to see someday but not with 13 teenagers planning on a beach party. There are tons of people that attend the sand building contest so I knew we had to change our beach plans. And that meant choosing a beach I had never been to before. I am okay heading into the unknown all by myself, or with my family, but when it has to be done when I am trying to entertain 13 other people it stresses me out. Because my number one, totally realistic, priority, is that you have fun.....I always forget that important part that really you decide whether you are going to have fun or not I instead assume it is my responsibility and I take it way too seriously :)

I got online and googled, "top ten beaches in Massachusetts" and started reading. Information can give you power but can also cause you to think about things you may not have thought about otherwise, like beach parking lots filling up before you get there, leaving you stranded with no beach to go to. I finally decided on a beach called Wingaersheek Beach because I called and talked to the people there and they said if the parking lot was full when we got there we could always go into town and catch a trolley to Good Harbour Beach. I do love to have a Plan B. We had already set our time to leave and it could not budge because of paper routes that needed to be done. So we just had to hope that by 10:30, which was our estimated time of arrival, the beach parking lot would not be full.

Saturday was a beautiful day and from exit 5 on the Massachusetts Pike clear up to exit 13 off of Route 128 it took us almost exactly 2 hours. The parking lot was not full. But they did make me pay $35.00 to park my big 15 passenger van. I tried to give them my sweetest smile and use my Jedi mind tricks to persuade them they really did not want to do that to me but they were not going to budge. So I consoled myself with the fact that I could not take 15 people anywhere else for 4 and a half hours for $35.00.

There were three choices for getting to the beach. All numbered. We chose door number three. It was a short walk and we discovered that door number three was just perfect. Numbers 1 and 2 were all more crowded and seemed to be considered more the main beach. Usually when you go to the beach you look out and you see only water. But this beach was in a sort of inlet so you looked out and saw land across the way. That was the only part that disappointed me. I do love to gaze at the ocean. There were huge boulder rocks along part of the shore and water was around them. We had a huge spot around us with no people occupying it. The kids immediately went out to explore. We were all so surprised to see that the water was super clear. You could see your feet. The bottom was sandy and so amazingly clean. We could walk around most of the boulders and have the water come, at the most, up to our thighs. So we climbed on boulders, jumped in the water, and had a great time. The water was very, very cold but hey, that's Massachusetts ocean for you :)

I sat on the beach reading while the teenagers played and played. They kept talking excitedly about the tide going out and I knew from looking at the rocks we had played on earlier that it was going out because there was now no water around the rocks we had been climbing on and jumping off of. But the kids finally got me curious enough to get up and actually walk around the rocks and look and I could not believe what I saw. Usually when the tide goes out it goes straight out from the shore and it was doing that BUT there was a huge, super long sandbar showing that was parallel to the beach. Sadly, you had to be there to get the whole effect. But it looked like a, "Moses parting the Red Sea" moment. This sandbar went clear out and there was water on both sides of the sandbar. People were all walking out to the end of this bar where the waves were crossing. We looked like zombies walking aimlessly to no end. When you got out to the end and could keep walking on this sandbar that still had water on it and it looked like you were walking on water. It was very cool. There was a lifeguard standing out at the end of the sandbar because the actual shore was quite a ways away.

So Wingaersheek Beach was a success. There are always things that could be better...like not having to pay so much to park at the beach :) Can you tell I am still haunted by that memory of handing over $35.00? And the only other bummer was returning to the car to realize they had parked a million cars super close to my 15 passenger van, clearly, not realizing you can not turn those huge cars on a dime :) But luckily I am trained in 1,000 point turns and we got out fine :)

The picture on the left is Madeline and Amanda and the picture on the right is Miriam and Madeline.

Breaking Things.

2010-08-01T16:36:00.003-04:00

Have you ever broken a bone? I have. I broke my nose twice. I don't really think breaking your nose counts towards anything though because it does not involve a cast, an x-ray, or crutches....at least mine didn't. When it comes to broken bones the only child I have that that ever came close was Zach who fractured his distal clavicle twice, ended up with surgery, and a metal plate. But none of his experience involved a cast or crutches either.....it did involve lots of x-rays though :) What I am trying to say is that considering that we own a trampoline, have owned it for 16 years, have no rules for the trampoline, no safety net for the trampoline, and considering that we have seven kids, our visits to the ER and our total number of casts has been very, very low....well actually non existent. So this weeks events were bound to
happen....sometime.

It happened Friday morning. Natalie has had a hard time finding friends who can have play dates this summer and Friday morning all the "Play Date God's" smiled on us and her little friend Spencer was able to come over for a few hours. They played and played and played. I never heard a peep from them until Natalie came crying at the sliding glass door with her arm hanging limply from her side. You know how sometimes you wonder about the nature of an injury? Sometimes you think ER or not? I knew immediately what I should do:

We drove Spencer home.
With tons of tears involved got Natalie out of her swimsuit and into some ER worthy clothes.
Grabbed fruit snacks.
Called someone to come and pick up Tatiana and her two friends.

Then we drove into town to our little hometown Emergency room. It was not very crowded. But I knew the minute I got there and had four different people direct me as to where I should go first that the efficency of this trip was not looking good. I am going to be so bold as to say that I could run a very efficent emergency room if given the chance. At least I know enough to know that you should probably do all your paperwork at one spot.

Natalie is a very anxious child as all the Baird children...except Madeline have been. Baird kids do not like the unknown. And a broken arm was definitely unknown to Natalie. If you need numbers I would say the unknown caused her to have tears flowing down her little cheeks about 75% of the day on Friday. She could hardly walk because of the pain her arm caused her so she had to sit in a wheel chair....that made her cry. She cried so much in the x-ray room that she made the technicians cry....they felt horrible for the pain they had to cause her to get the skeleton pictures. She cried when they put her in a hospital gown.(Any outfit with the back wide open for the world to see is bound to make you cry.) She cried when they wrapped her in two hospital gowns to go home in. She cried when anyone just looked at her arm with their eyes...let alone their hands :)

I have that "mom feeling" about the whole experience. You know the feeling....the one where the mom thinks something is not quite right? Yeah, I never let that feeling go. So next week I will be on the phone, a ton, calling orthopedics guys, and calling the x-ray guys, and the pediatrician guys, and if I am bored I can always put a call into the Obama guy just to chat about healthcare since I will most likely be in the mood.

I know you are fighting the urge to comment on the fact that the trampoline was involved in the accident but in the trampolines defense I want to tell you that Natalie was not jumping she was accidentally pushed off the trampoline by Spencer. It was, "part of the game" :)

We are going to have to decide what to do about her upcoming baptism on the 20th. Last time I checked a cast from your armpit down to your fingertips, baptism outfits, fonts full of water, and the word immersion don't all go together very well.

She is sad, sad, sad about the fact that she has not been to Six Flags yet and now her chances are not looking so good. She is sad about the fact that she can not hold books in bed while laying down. She is sad that I have to help her in the bathroom. She is sad about not swimming for awhile. But life is full of disappointment. And we have already had the chat about what would have been worse than breaking an arm.....you know it is all about perspective:)

Summer.

2010-07-19T10:19:00.005-04:00

Summer...yea. It is not the way I remember it. If someone told me ten years ago when my oldest kiddo was 10 that in 2010 my summer would not involve reading Little House on the Prairie books out loud, going swimming in the afternoon, doing the library reading program, taking 3 week long road trips, and making job charts for the kiddos I would have thought they sure have a lot of nerve. But as it always is with the future....it happened. Summer is busier than when school is in. No one is in any classes or camps but it is still busy. Girls camp was one week and EFY is one week. That is all the Baird children are doing this summer and I still had to schedule a day for Six Flags, a day for the beach, a day for NYC, a day for the LEGO exhibit in Springfield, and a day to go to the Ben and Jerry's ice cream plant in Vermont. And notice I did not even get an "s" on the end of my use of the word day? I only have one day at each place. I was hoping for DAYS.

But despite my complaining....or is it whining? And my adorable high expectations of myself I have accomplished a lot of things so let me tell you all about them so that maybe in doing so I can feel better.

The little girls bedroom is painted a lovely shade of lilac tan. Lilac tan? Yeah, I do not know who named that one.....maybe they thought lilac written all by itself on the little paint swatch looked boring and while they were thinking about how they needed to get a tan they accidentally wrote tan next to lilac? All I know is everyone in the house likes the color and it is done.

A long time ago when we lived in Kansas my friend Alane gave me a table and 8 chairs. When we were getting ready to move from Indiana to Massachusetts I got a notion to spray paint them. Of course the notion came when I was also packing up my house but trust me when those notions come, you acknowledge them, and act. Especially when you are me...which you aren't are you? :) Anyway, I spray painted the chairs red. My dear friend Joan sanded the top of my table and we stained it. And I painted the legs of the table red. It turned out beautiful. But since I was in the middle of packing... it is possible that some parts under the chairs never got spray painted red and you did not know that when you sat in my chairs but I did and it has been driving me crazy. So about two weeks ago I set the chairs in the backyard and spray painted them again. And now if you come over and feel the urge to check under my chairs you will see they are indeed ALL red :)

Once a week we have been going to the free movies at the movie theater. I have never done this before. But it has turned out to be a really fun thing for Tatiana, Natalie, and Amanda and I to do. Some of these movies I have always wondered about but never had enough time to sit down and actually watch them.....you know how that happens, right? So far Planet 51 has been my favorite. And this week is Cloudy With A Chance of Meatballs.

We have picked raspberries, strawberries and blueberries and all experiences were absolutely perfect in every way. Not too hot. Lots of berries. We actually just picked blueberries last Sunday evening. We took the whole family and some friends came along too. We drove up Skyline Trail to a secluded, abandoned blueberry patch. It was 7:00 in the evening and the temperature was perfect. Everyone had a container and went their merry way....except Joe who spent his time trying to scare us all with the thought of bears. It really was a perfect evening.

Seminary occupies a pretty big part of each day. I have been reading a ton of stuff trying to figure out how I want to do everything this year. Besides educating myself on church history. I have read seminary blogs, I have asked all my old seminary teacher friends. Basically anyone who will talk to me I have asked about their ideas :) I really, really, really love to gather information before I make decisions. Last Sunday was my opening Seminary meeting and as I looked at the room full of 16 Seminary kids and saw them laughing, chatting, and smiling at each other I felt so happy. I am really looking forward to this year.

The yard has occupied a lot of my time this summer. For the first time since we have lived here my garden has really taken off and done what it should. Last year I fought slugs, bugs and blight. This year I have bunnies and birds but we seem to have, strangely, learned how to co-exist.....although Joe's airsoft gun is always in the back of my mind :) All of my plants are huge and healthy and I have SO many green tomatoes I am going to be very busy in a few weeks canning like crazy.

So I know my list was supposed to make me feel better but I confess all I can think about is that I still need to:

Paint my front door
Paint the bathroom
Prune the raspberries
Move the three boxwoods to the back yard
Plant the three grasses in the boxwoods old spot.
Move the linum
Get Joe and Amanda ready for EFY
organize the storage room

Yeah, you know the list could go on and on don't you?

Word Of The Day

2010-07-19T09:52:00.000-04:00

Okay, the word of the day is "drama." I must get to the bottom of this. People use the word drama all the time. Yes, I am one of those people. I have been using it so much that the other day I stopped and realized I needed to find out more about what drama really means.

Do you associate the word drama with good or bad?

Did you know there is a town in Northeastern Greece named Drama?

There is a drama section at Blockbuster and I am always a little interested in which movies end up in the drama section. Sometimes I tend to think it is just where they put everything else that does not fall in any of the other categories.

My best friend dictionary.com says that drama is : "any situation or series of events having vivid, emotional, conflicting, or striking interest or results."

Okay, what about if we add the word queen? Drama queen. Do you know one? By today's standards Scarlett O'Hara from Gone With The Wind was one, just in case you need an example.

I was so relieved when I read all about drama queens because I thought I had five of them and it turns out I don't. I had even started to wonder if I was one, and it turns out that...drum roll please........ I am not....whew. I do love being wrong. My five girls are emotional. But what girl isn't?(actually, I even know some seriously adorable drama kings). If the Baird girls were actual drama queens they would be self centered divas. You would have to walk on eggshells around them.

A drama queen over reacts to "seemingly minor life experiences".... it is that word "seemingly" that gets me every time. Did you know it means, "appearing, whether truly or falsely to be as specified?" So that must mean that someone else who is standing around watching you is deciding from the appearances of things whether your life experiences are minor or not? Someone who has not lived your life and had all the experiences you have is deciding whether you are over reacting or not and then labeling you a drama lover accordingly.

According to the all knowing internet drama queens are not really very good people. It seems that they wrote the bestselling book on "selfishness", and the follow up bestselling book on "making unreasonable demands." I have never and will never label someone a drama queen. I am not them and I have not lived their life, it is possible that I have gone through two or three of the same experiences they have but it will never be enough to understand them enough to label them a drama queen. Besides, all they really need is someone to talk to and help them through some tough times. It may be a couple of years worth of tough times or it may be just a day of tough times. But I am a sucker and I will be there for you through it all.

So what do you think? Am I way off base? Too much drama? :)

Just Catching Up With Pictures

2010-07-04T15:37:00.006-04:00

Miriam and Gage in a box.

Tatiana and Natalie at a waterfall by our house.

Joe, in the blue shirt....done with Middle School!

Garden 2010

Preconceived Notions.

2010-07-02T20:43:00.003-04:00

I have high expectations.....sigh...there I said it. What happens now? Do you know what expectations are? Yeah, I am not sure myself. Let's see if in the course of writing about it I can figure it all out. Did you know that if you are human you have expectations? There is no way out of it, you can't ever avoid that old pal expectations. And just to make it extra fun the studies say that we are only aware of a small number of our expectations the majority of those rascally expectations stay hidden. You have expectations of:

yourself,
your kids,
your friends,
your spouse,
your job,
the weather,
your hydrangea,
your cat,
your food you order at a restaurant.

Just to name a few......honestly the list of things you have expectations of is endless....that means eternal which means it goes on and on and on :)

I have been asking the question lately, of everyone I can, "Where on earth do our gosh darn expectations come from?" I mean it...I really need to know. So finally, tonight, when I gave in and asked all knowing google,"Where do expectations come from?" the answer that appeared made everything clear.....it said "expectations generally come from our past experiences." Yipppeee, I can yet again, blame my perfect parents for my current woes...parents really dig that :) I really did have the best childhood ever. After I blame my parents for my high expectations I should probably blame the entire 1986 graduating class from Snohomish High school...they were so accepting and nice to me....voted for me to be a Senior class officer, nominated me the most friendliest for the yearbook....got me through high school with a great self esteem so you can see that at the very young age of 17 I already had high expectations of life.

How do you get rid of high expectations? Did you know that there are people who try with all their might to go through life claiming to expect nothing? I have been known to fall in this category.....especially around my birthday time when I declare to everyone that I have no expectations for my birthday. I did not know if you knew that if you have no expectations then you avoid disappointment.....but living life without preconceived notions and expectations would be extremely difficult so it would be a minor miracle if you truly and honestly had no expectations....yes, I may be calling you a liar....but what did you expect :) So since you can't get rid of the velcro like expectations what can you do? GASP......you can go with the flow! Crazy? I know.....who does that? Who makes the best of whatever happens?

Steven James Ord

2010-06-23T07:50:00.005-04:00

I can't believe that I forgot to call my dad on Father's Day. I remembered and then I forgot...multiple times. I used to be the favorite child in the family but I think I am going to have to relinquish the spot :) The only thing I can do to make it up to him is embarrass him and tell you all about him. Honestly, everyone in the world should have had a dad like mine. (I am not just saying that so I can get back the favorite child spot...or am I?)

My first memory of my dad is watching him do jumping jacks and situps in the morning before he went to work when we lived in Sedro Woolley, Washington. Soon after that first memory comes the memory of him playing the piano and singing silly songs while my siblings and I danced around the living room. He used to play "Johnny Get Your Haircut"....haircut...haircut. And "Let's Go Hunting Said Risky Rob" and so many more.

My dad has ruined everything because he really is perfect so I expect everyone else to be. He always dealt with everything with us kids with a sense of humor I remember the first time I ever saw him lose his temper and I was already married and had one kid and we were visiting my parents in American Samoa. Even then it was a pretty minor loss of temper. I have never heard him swear and he always seems to be in control of himself....something I greatly admire.

My dad always wants you to feel his muscles in his arms and then he wants you to punch his stomach to feel his muscle there too. He has very flat feet so I will never forget how his walk looks and I was so happy when I realized that my oldest son Zach walks just like him.

My dad was born and raised in California. He is the only one of his siblings to move away from California. He went to BYU Provo, served a mission for our church in England and then went to the University of Washington to get his MBA. I remember when he got his CPA when I was a kid and we were living in California. He always knows everything about numbers, taxes and mortgage rates I am pretty sure all of us kids always call him for financial advice. I did not recieve his gift for numbers. He spent many a long, frustrating hours working on Math with me.

Because of my dad I often chant the phrase "Hubba Hubba woo woo woo chacha lacha ching ching choo choo choo." And when I do chant it to my kids I remember my dad doing this little dance with his arms stretched out from his sides and his feet shuffling back and forth while he would say it. I also remember him telling us this story when we would beg for a story...."It was a dark and stormy night and a band of men were sitting around the campfire and the captain said boys lets tell a story and this is the way the story goes...It was a dark and stormy night"......You get the idea??

My dad is always working in the yard with my mom. Actually my dad and mom are always together. They grocery shop together, they go on windjammer cruises together, they go to England together, they are on a mission for our church in Hawaii right now....together.

When trampolines first became popular we were one of the first ones to have one. One time we were all jumping on it and ( much to moms chagrin) he casually tossed a lit M-80 firecracker off the deck next to the trampoline where we did not see it and when it went off you should have seen all of us kids jump :) He laughed and laughed. I got my love of really loud fireworks from him. He would go to the Indian reservation when we were kids and ask for the big, illegal, not allowed for home use fireworks that were used by the loggers. The ones that were hidden behind the counters.

My dad is a reader and he can concentrate and read anywhere. All of us kids would be running around where he was reading being loud kids and he would be sitting there reading like nothing was going on.

He loves to play jokes and was always teasing us kids. He would get on the roof and drop stuff and we would not know where it came from. He loved to mess with our minds :) He would write me extremely embarrassing notes when I was late or absent from school. The ladies in the office would laugh and laugh when they got his notes. One of them said "Please excuse Jennifer for being late she had rigor morits of the cranium" And another one he signed but under his signature he wrote "signed under duress"

I really am amazed as I sit here and write it all out how much I could go on and on about my dad. He was always the last one to the car on Sunday after church because he is so social and friendly. Yes, I inherited the social part of me from him :)

I really can not think of any faults he has...well other than not writing me more checks :) He has always set an amazing example to me of how to deal with people in a kind way. He as always made our religion his first priority and set a great example of how to live it.

So dad I am eternally sorry I forgot to call you on Sunday. But since I call you every other day of the year I am sure it is okay that I missed one day....(just have to make my siblings nervous :) HAHA

I love you dearly...oh, and mom I love you too :)